It’s Chris Evan’s 33rd birthday today! Since I’m not quite sure WTF is going on between Chris Evans and Sandra Bullock, he’s still fair game and on the market as far as I’m concerned. So you know what that means? Everyone across the globe will be playing dead for their chance at getting rescued by the bulging bicep machine that is Captain America.
If you didn’t know, or weren’t informed already ladies, I have first and last dibs on Mr. America. But do not fret, citizens! There’s more than enough hotness to go around with my list of superhunks. So… be right back, just gonna go dive off the nearest skyscraper and see which of these handsome heroes will come to my rescue first:
1. Captain America (Chris Evans)
I’ve never wanted to “be a superhero” but I have no objections to having a superhero for a husband. In the words of Sara Bareilles, I choose you Chris. (P.S. I’d kill to be any of those woman’s four fingers right now.)
2. Kick-Ass (Aaron Taylor-Johnson)
Hi, Kick-Ass. And hello, all six of Kick-Ass’ ripped abs that are obviously begging to be licked upon. Don’t mind me, just trying to keep all of my hormones from exploding.
3. Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.)
It took some getting used to when it came to falling head over heels for Tony Stark but there’s something about narcissists that I’m attracted to. Maybe it’s just my misguided taste in self-righteous men but I can’t resist how bad I want to touch and caress his BIG, HARD SUIT!
4. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)
So it’s practically destined that we be together given the not-so-uncanny connection you and I have: You’re Wolverine and I just so happen to be from the Wolverine state. I hope you know where I’m going with this, Mr. Logan. Oh, you do?! Wonderful. I was thinking the room down the hall… but there’s always the woods.
5. The Dark Knight (Christian Bale)
Notice anything particularly different or special about those last hundred Bat-Signals lately? The ones with the address and phone number written on the marquee? In case you were curious, Mr. Wayne, those weren’t Bat-Signals… those were mating calls.
6. Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner)
Say whaaa?! It would be your “genuine pleasure” to make all my fantasies of you and I come true? Phew! Don’t worry about that intergalactic war waging over there, it can wait. For now, let’s go someplace where we can get to know each other on a more deeper, personal and perhaps naked level.
7. Peter Petrelli (Milo Ventimiglia)
Raise your hand if you’re excited about the new Heroes Reborn reprisal? ZOMG!! If you know anything about the Heroes series then you know this sexy mo-fo right here. Ladies (and gents), if you really wanna go out in true damsel in distress style, there’s no better arms to die in than Peter’s.
8. Young Magneto (Michael Fassbender)
Okay, no matter how much you might think of Magneto being pure villain material, you have to consider that he was one of the good guys before he became so power-hungry. In any sense though, who could ever resist a man that can manipulate metal with his hands and melt in you in your pants on command with his gorgeous face alone?
9. Cyclops (James Marsden)
You haven’t forgotten about Cyclops have you? He’s a total babe with and without the shades. What’s that, Scott? Jean is in Phoenix mode again and you need a place to crash? No, it’s totally fine. Make yourself comfortable here, relax and take off your visor and everything else. It’ll be our little secret.
10. The Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds)
Though I never could take Ryan seriously as a superhero of any kind, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mind being Blake Lively for a day (or forever). Don’t worry, babe. Just gonna sit here and die in bed until you’re done rescuing the world. I’m sure you’ll think of interesting ways to bring me back to life again while you’re away.
11. Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield)
Sorry Tobey Maguire, but Andrew’s got you beat by a long shot with this one. And here’s why: he’s got the winsome smile, the panty-dropping accent and probably weaves one hell of a web that you’ll never want to escape from!