Mean Girls is the movie that spawned a thousand cries of “SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!” And for that, we are forever indebted to Lindsay Lohan. While we don’t know if we’ll ever get that reunion that was once teased, we do know that we can talk about the movie forever. And ever. So today we’re recasting it with men, because WHY NOT! Maybe they’re the ones who can finally make fetch happen.
Caleb Landry Jones as Cayden Heron
I had to go with a ginger on this one, since it’s Lindsay Lohan‘s signature color. I thought this kid was funny in X-Men: First Class, but more importantly, he looks like he could go through a dork to cool kid transformation and lose his morals along that journey. He basically just looks like a puppy just waiting to be corrupted by the Plastics.
Dane DeHaan as Reggie George
The king plastic himself is an actor on the rise that hasn’t quite made his big break yet, despite being in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. My favorite thing about Dane is that he has an extreme bitch face and kind of looks like he’s always plotting something behind those baby blues. I want to see him let loose and channel his inner mean boy and there’s no better part to do than Reggie George.
Zac Efron as Gregory Wieners
This one is a total no-brainer to me. Let’s just put him in this movie and make sure he always is taking his shirt off when it’s unnecessary and we’re golden. I don’t think his father, the inventor of Pop Tarts, would like it if you disagreed with me on this one.
Channing Tatum as Kameron Smith
Even though he is clearly not even remotely close to looking like a high schooler, everyone suspended their ability to disbelieve in 21 Jump Street, so you can deal with this one too. Channing Tatum has the best resting dumb face I have ever seen. He looks completely vacant behind the eyes attached to his big potato head and delicious stripper body. Can’t you see him squeezing a pec and predicting the weather? Boo, you whore. And if Channing isn’t available, my second choice is Ryan Lochte, since he’s basically a Karen with fins.
AnnaSophia Robb as Anna Samuels
She’s cute in a non-threatening way, and definitely looks like she can be the token sweet high school crush. Doesn’t her hair look sexy pushed back? Anna Samuels will always be there to ask you what day it is on October 3rd, and you bet your ass you’ll never forget it.
Ezra Miller as Jacob Ian
There’s literally no one in Hollywood who could play this role other than Ezra Miller. He’s got a dark coolness about him that occasionally explodes into weirdness, so yelling “Your mother’s chest hair” just makes sense to me. He can play comedy and drama, which makes him a good fit for Janis. Plus, I want to see him in more movies because he’s great and an unapologetic queer actor.
Rebel Wilson as Danielle
Casting a female Damian was also a hard one, because she needs to be lovable AND hilarious. She’s awesome in Pitch Perfect and that awful attempt at a network comedy needs to be put out of our minds immediately. Let’s all just give Rebel another vehicle to shine and hope that her funny Australian goddess career continues to blossom.
Seth Meyers as Mr. Norbury and Maya Rudolph as Mrs. Duvall
I have to keep it in the Saturday Night Live family for this one. Even though he’s a little busy with his own talk show right now, Seth would be great as the math teacher who tried to teach the guys a lesson about not being terrible people. And can’t you see Maya Rudolph wielding a bat when the high school erupts into Burn Book jungle frenzy? And can’t you not unsee it now?
Mindy Kaling as Kelly Gnapoor
This casting choice is wholly because I want to see Mindy rapping at the Christmas Show. I don’t care if she’s a bit older than the rest of the cast, she would probably love to be Kelly G for a night.
Glenn Coco will be played by Glen Coco (David Reale, who never even got paid for it), because there is only one Glen Coco.
And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.