There are few things in this world that I love more than children’s movies. Do I melt at the sight of an adorable father-daughter duo in matching suits? Yes, I’m not a monster. And do I revel in the moment that I find out that a celebrity is way more hilarious than I thought? Of course. But there’s just something about movies that were intended for people one-third my age that makes me feel a very specific set of feelings.
And, since How To Train Your Dragon 2 (which boasts a cast including Jay Baruchel, Cate Blanchett, and Gerard Butler) is hitting theaters this weekend, I guess I’d better start preparing to feel them all really soon. Because, any time that anyone who is not a kid watches a kids’ movie, they’re probably most definitely going to feel these 10 things. It’s elementary science, people.
1. “I feel very old.”
Because it’s hard not to, when everyone else in the theater smells like Fruit Roll-Ups and has a spelling test in two days that they have to study for. But you watch that movie and you watch it shamelessly.
2. “What is this tingly feeling? I think it’s called ‘joy and genuine happiness’?”
Alternately: “So, this is how the world was meant to be.”
3. “Do adults actually suck this badly in real life?”
Fun fact: all adults in any children’s movie ever are bossy, terrible people. It’s one thing to be watching it while still cloaked in beautiful youth, because you probably agree a little. But, as an adult, the experience involves a little less affirmative nodding and a lot more existential-looking-around.
4. “Which of my neighbor’s kids can I bribe to come and see this with me a second time?”
I’m always concerned about being that lady who keeps coming to the movies to watch children’s movies but never comes with a child. Bribery is the answer.
5. “I sort of want to be best friends with everyone in this movie.”
How are they infiltrating my emotions and taking them over this way?! Which brings me to…
6. “I wonder if anyone’s judging me for my non-stop crying.”
You just can’t escape the tears. Happy tears, Sad tears, I’m-Low-On-Popcorn tears. I would honestly like to challenge another movie to make me cry as much as kids’ movies do. The only rule is that The Fault In Our Stars is not allowed to join this contest, because it has an unfair advantage as the Saddest Movie in History.
7. “I’m on this adventure with the characters and it’s magical.”
And I’m having a wonderful time forgetting about real-world problems, like student loans and making my own doctor’s appointments over the phone.
8. “How in the world are kids supposed to understand that joke?”
Either a new race of super-genius children are being raised at the moment, or a bunch of jokes in kids’ movies are way out of their range of comprehension. Prepare to watch these movies in 10 years and say, “Oooh, that’s what that meant,” little ones.
9. “How is it possible that this soundtrack is so great?”
Yo, all other movies, I’m really happy for you and I’mma let you finish. But children’s movies have the best soundtracks of all time. Of all time. (Hell yeah, I just quoted Kanye West circa 2009 in the year 2014.)
10. “I legitimately will never not love children’s movies.”
And no one can make me.
How To Train Your Dragon 2 opens in U.S. theaters this Friday, June 13.