I know you woke up this morning before your alarm went off in a cold sweat, heart racing, worried that you would never in your lifetime get to watch a video of Jessica Simpson hobbling drunkenly into and out of a nightclub. But I’m happy to inform you that there’s nothing to worry about, because TMZ has answered your hopes and dreams and prayers by releasing that exact video. It’s titled “These Boots Are Made For Stumblin’,” so that should give you some idea of what you’re in for.
It all happened Sunday night when Jessica pulled up to Warwick nightclub in Hollywood. As TMZ points out, although they didn’t really need to, it would appear this wasn’t the first stop on the Jessica Simpson Sunday Night Party Tour. Something is… off. I mean, something’s always kind of off with Jessica Simpson, whether it be using up way too many brain cells trying to decide whether it’s chicken or tuna or not fully grasping the concept of birth control. But this time I mean something’s off in a “sorority girl with messy hair and a dazed expression having to be dragged in the right direction by her girlfriends because she did too many shots after midterms” kind of way.
The cameraman’s voice says it all as Jessica exits the car. Everything has a question mark at the end of it, even when it’s not a question. Once Jessica goes inside the cameraman just waits there until she leaves, and when that happens — one food run later — her balance isn’t any better and her eyes don’t seem to be any more aware of her surroundings. Her fiance has to support her all the way into the car like she’s an old woman. An old woman with very messy hair and a very sloppy smile smeared across her face. I can just imagine the scolding she got from Maxwell and Ace when she got home.