I just finished binge watching season two of Orange Is the New Black. On a related note, I also just overdosed on pizza and Diet Coke. Something that both myself and my imaginary personal trainer will hate me for this week. But it was all in the name of getting through season two without moving off my couch. (Litchfield girls aren’t the only girls that get to pee in a bucket.) And tell you what, it was totally worth it. This season was so, so good!
And if you’re reading this, I’m guessing that you also just finished binge watching it. Which means two things. One, you want to talk about it for the rest of the day. Two, you’re going through some stuff right now. That’s okay, I am too. No one watches 13 hours of OITNB straight and comes out symptom free.
So in celebration of my swollen liver and my blurry eyes, let’s begin with your symptoms.
1. You’ve already trained three roaches to fetch you water…
All in honor of dead Yoda. May he rest in peace.
2. You remember what it’s like to hate Alex.
Telling the truth during a trial never felt so wrong. Then again, it led to Piper finally getting revenge on Alex.
3. You like Pennsatucky’s new teeth!
Like you’re seriously impressed with how good she looks. Throw in her character development this season and you’re practically in love with the girl.
4. Your hatred for Larry is forever unshakable at this point.
But maybe it’s good that he finally grew a spine? At least enough of one to tell Piper to her face that he’s in love with someone else. Even if it is her married best friend, Polly.
5. You’re still deciding to join either Team Vee, Red or Gloria.
Just kidding. You have no choice but to go with the team won’t trick Crazy Eyes into thinking she killed you…AKA Team Vee. (And nope, she doesn’t get an RIP like Yoda.)
6. You’re still looking for Jack. Sad face.
Am I the only one crying over Jimmy still and worried sick about what happened to her?
7. You’re still waiting in line for your turn with Officer Bennett.
Storage closet? Now? Tonight? Whatever time works for you! I’LL GLADLY HAVE YOUR BABY AND KEEP IT A SECRET! Unlike, someone else who’s obsessed with “morals.”
8. You’re questioning why you feel so bad for Pennsatucky.
That convo between Pennsatucky and Healy during the Valentine’s Day episode changed everything. Well at least some of my hatred toward the bible-thumping Pennsatucky.
9. You wish Daya would stop moping and just go away.
Okay, this one might be personal. But seriously, I want her in the SHU or the delivery room already. Enough is enough with her whining.
10. You’re still disappointed there wasn’t enough Sophia this season.
What the eff! I mean, we’re happy that she reunited with her son, but that was not enough Laverne Cox! Hey producers, we better be seeing a whole more of her in season three.
11. You were actually glad to see Mendez again.
I’ll be the first (and maybe only one) to admit I’ve missed Pornstache, even if he was taken away right after he returned. There’s something about Pornstache in love that’s just so fun to watch.
12. You’re pretty sure you spent the last 13 hours eating food like this.
And that’s okay, because it was totally worth it to get through the whole season and be able to discuss it right now. Which is what I plan to right now do. I’ll I’ll kick it off with some starter questions to make it easier for your tired brain and let you do the rest of the discussion in the comments.
So here goes! Why the heck doesn’t my German sound as sexy as Poussey’s? How did Jimmy find her way out of a penitentiary when I can barely find a hot date to cuddle-watch with this show with? And can someone PLEASE slap the hell out of Taystee for being so Vee-washed? Glad she finally came around, but it took waaaay tooo long. Finally, how excited are you for season three and how can we speed up time to make it get here already?