I don’t know what Pharrell Williams‘ deal is this week, but he can’t stop won’t stop dropping stories into my lap. First he said he couldn’t be a feminist because he’s a man (insert eye roll), then he created backlash by wearing a Native American headdress on the cover of Elle, and now he’s admitted that he’s mystified by women because this funny thing with bleeding happens to us every month and he just. doesn’t. get it.
Pharrell went on the Elvis Duran and The Z100 Morning Show today, theoretically to explain the inspiration behind his album GIRL…but actually to win back some hearts and minds of the group of fans most likely to buy said album — women. Step one? Learn the definition of feminism.
“My album is not perfect because I’m a man. And I’ve been asked the question too, ‘Are you a feminist?’ If feminist means stands for equality, then yes I am. I don’t personally think I reserve the right as a man because I know I’ll be flawed at times. Women go through things that we’ll never understand, dude, like once a month they go through something we’ll never understand.”
I hear you, man. I’ve never understood it myself. Once a month I just stand over the toilet shrieking, thinking I’m being murdered by tiny warriors in my organs. I’ve never bothered to look into the science for why a bunch of blood drops out of my body every twenty-eight days, because I know it’s too much to possibly comprehend. So I don’t fault you at all for not grasping it, but yeah, I’ll totes buy your album though.
“At the end of the day, I hope women hear this album and what is at the bottom of the pot is you understand my intention. I’m just saying thank you, you’ve been so good to me.”
Because it turns out, this whole album is FOR US (!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Has a demographic ever been so lucky??
“The executives at Columbia said, ‘Do what you want to do.’ I instantly knew. First of all I’m humbled that you guys want to hear what I think and what’s on my mind. [...] I thought let me give back to the demographic that has been supporting me since the very beginning over 20 years, and that’s women. So I named my album ‘Girl’ and I capitalized all the letters and I put two spaces in between each character because I wanted it to read differently in the text and I wanted people to ask me questions like this. The reason why is because, okay there’s one side of me like, ‘Oh, her eyes, her body, ooh her curves, oh her booty!’ You know that, you know that of me. But what you don’t know is the other side is, how much I appreciate and how much I listen to women over the years and their plight.”
Is it weird that that’s my favorite pickup line? “Girl, I noticed you from across the bar because of your eyes, your body, your curves, your booty. BUT DAT PLIGHT DOE.”
“Women don’t make as much as men. I think it’s like 77 cents to a man’s dollar. That’s wrong. That needs to change. So I promised myself that I would as much as I make no apologies for how I love women in every kind of way, I really do, there are some important issues that should be addressed and I’m going to use the platform that they have given me and this opportunity to talk about these things.”
You mean to tell me that you didn’t realize his entire album was a feminist platform? Can’t believe you missed that.
“You know, we’re pretty successful as a species, as human beings, we’ve got rovers the surface of Mars, a space station that’s been up there for over 20 years. But we’re also the same species that tries to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies. That’s gotta change. A woman reserves the right to choose because if they all decided right now, that they wanted to shut down the economy and don’t go to work and don’t come home. If they ever really got fed up with us and said you know humanity sucks, they could just hold hands and decide that we’re not having any more children and we’d just be done as a species.”
Ladies, if you have a second — do you want to all hold hands and decide that we’re done as a species? Don’t say yes unless you’re sure, and P.S. the holding hands part is really important.
“So I feel like that we should treat them with that type of pertinence in public, we should treat them to this way when it comes to laws. Women actually are the centerpiece of humanity and the reason why we’re here. We need laws that reflect that and we need treatment like that.”
…said the man who produced and co-wrote the song ‘Blurred Lines’. THIS IS ALL FOR YOU, LADIES! Now please buy my album, because feminism.