I don’t think I was the target audience for Lifetime’s new movie The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. It seemed to be aimed at people who are waiting impatiently for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. And Lifetime could not have been more obvious about marketing this as a basic cable Fifty Shades if it tried, from the commercials saying it’s based on a “bestseller” that started a “phenomenon” to the fact that the Christian Grey stand-in lives in Seattle — which is apparently a hotbed of men ready to provide sexual awakenings.
Unfortunately, despite the TV-MA rating and the constant reminders that “viewer discretion is advised,” this movie was one of the least sexy things I’ve ever watched. The package of cheese crackers I ate while watching was more arousing. I’m guessing that it was rated MA simply because they use the word “panties” more than once. And I agree, that word should always come with a warning. But alas, I’m afraid people tuning in for hardcore sex and scandalous dirty talk would have been sorely disappointed by all the introspective voiceover narration and chaste tumbles in the sheets.
This is the true story of Delaine (Ashley Jones), a stay-at-home mom whose husband Robert (Scott Gibson) disrespects her. So far, so Lifetime. Robert does just about everything on the “terrible husband” checklist, from cheating on her to blaming her for the cheating to demanding she be more sexual to reprimanding her like a child to chastising her for getting his wardrobe wrong to acting superior because he makes the money to wanting her to get a boob job. So obviously Delaine starts hooking up with her bestubbled Enrique Iglesias lookalike acupuncturist Graham (Jeff Roop). Their affair is accompanied by a plethora of guitar riffs and a dangerous amount of sexytime candles.
Delaine believes she and Graham have a “spiritual” connection, and she’s so happy with him she separates from her husband before checking if Graham in in any other relationships or has any babies on the way. But oops, looks like he does, as Delaine learns from a fellow single mom who knows the baby mama. Before she gets a chance to confront Graham about the fact that he was being unfaithful to her while she was being unfaithful to her husband, she makes sure to slide down a wall with her face covered in mascara tears. You’d think this movie could afford some waterproof eye makeup.
Because Delaine somehow has plenty of time on her hands for hook-ups even though she’s now a single mom raising two kids under the age of 10, she immediately starts talking to her friends about what her next step should be. One friend thinks she should take things slow, while the other one is like, “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” After she gets stood up on a date with a guy she met online, prompting an embarrassing, mascara-tear-covered trip to Graham’s house to bang on the door with her shoe, she decides to go the “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” route. She gets an email from “The Duke” (Alex Carter) a guy who’s into domination/submission.