• Sun, Jun 1 - 11:03 am ET

Lifetime Movie The Secret Sex Life Of A Single Mom Should Have Stayed A Secret

Lifetime movie Sex Life of a Single Mom May 2014

I don’t think I was the target audience for Lifetime’s new movie The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. It seemed to be aimed at people who are waiting impatiently for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. And Lifetime could not have been more obvious about marketing this as a basic cable Fifty Shades if it tried, from the commercials saying it’s based on a “bestseller” that started a “phenomenon” to the fact that the Christian Grey stand-in lives in Seattle — which is apparently a hotbed of men ready to provide sexual awakenings.

Unfortunately, despite the TV-MA rating and the constant reminders that “viewer discretion is advised,” this movie was one of the least sexy things I’ve ever watched. The package of cheese crackers I ate while watching was more arousing. I’m guessing that it was rated MA simply because they use the word “panties” more than once. And I agree, that word should always come with a warning. But alas, I’m afraid people tuning in for hardcore sex and scandalous dirty talk would have been sorely disappointed by all the introspective voiceover narration and chaste tumbles in the sheets.

This is the true story of Delaine (Ashley Jones), a stay-at-home mom whose husband Robert (Scott Gibson) disrespects her. So far, so Lifetime. Robert does just about everything on the “terrible husband” checklist, from cheating on her to blaming her for the cheating to demanding she be more sexual to reprimanding her like a child to chastising her for getting his wardrobe wrong to acting superior because he makes the money to wanting her to get a boob job. So obviously Delaine starts hooking up with her bestubbled Enrique Iglesias lookalike acupuncturist Graham (Jeff Roop). Their affair is accompanied by a plethora of guitar riffs and a dangerous amount of sexytime candles.

Delaine believes she and Graham have a “spiritual” connection, and she’s so happy with him she separates from her husband before checking if Graham in in any other relationships or has any babies on the way. But oops, looks like he does, as Delaine learns from a fellow single mom who knows the baby mama. Before she gets a chance to confront Graham about the fact that he was being unfaithful to her while she was being unfaithful to her husband, she makes sure to slide down a wall with her face covered in mascara tears. You’d think this movie could afford some waterproof eye makeup.

Because Delaine somehow has plenty of time on her hands for hook-ups even though she’s now a single mom raising two kids under the age of 10, she immediately starts talking to her friends about what her next step should be. One friend thinks she should take things slow, while the other one is like, “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” After she gets stood up on a date with a guy she met online, prompting an embarrassing, mascara-tear-covered trip to Graham’s house to bang on the door with her shoe, she decides to go the “SEX SEX HAVE LOTS OF SEX!” route. She gets an email from “The Duke” (Alex Carter) a guy who’s into domination/submission.

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  • Elizabeth

    This review was so MUCH better than the movie! I had to watch it to the very end – similar to a train wreck. I cannot believe any actor would agree to this farce. It was so stupid, it was actually funny.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thanks for reading. Lifetime is the premier source for train wrecks.

  • JustSaying

    This movie was based on another book, not 50 Shdes! It’s a memoir by the same name and it’s wonderful. Lifetime recked it. But the book is more than worth a read. True too. It’s by Delaine Moore.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Oh I know it’s based on a different book, I was just saying that Lifetime seemed to be advertising it to play into the Fifty Shades obsession.

  • Sigh

    i loved this review SO much! thanks for the laugh. I was really disappointed in this movie – it was completely pointless and didn’t make any sense. I thought it was funny and kept cracking up just because it was so dumb. the title for this article is too fitting.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thanks for reading!

  • Cbalducc

    Looks like Ashley Jones, who played the lead trainwreck, is a Lifetime repeat offender, having played Mrs. Wronged Woman in last year’s “A Sister’s Revenge”.
    If Lifetime wanted to serve us some more cheese, why did they have to make it limburger? Another “Trashcanadian” production, no doat aboat it!

  • her7

    #1: I look forward all week to your reviews of Lifetime movies. I don’t even watch them, I just really enjoy what you have to say about them.
    #2: I would absolutely watch a movie called Please Shut Up, Delaine.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thanks for reading! I’m glad you enjoy. And that really would have been a better title for this one.

    • Luvee

      True dat girl. True dat. I ask god that why the hell her secret was ever revealed for us to suffer through that…. He he he…

  • mm girl

    I am at the other side of the coin . The actor playing the Dominant was very convincing in the way he changed his tone. Gave me chills but I have experienced this lifestyle . And if you understand anything about submission you would know its liberating for both parties. I wish this movie was more intense with the situations between the Dom and sub. It was nice to see bdsm in a positive light .

    • mdd43

      To me, this movie was more of a caricature of d/s. How safe or sane is it to let some man you “met” online order you to do things like take your clothes off in front of an open window when your neighbors are nearby? (Perhaps he really wanted to bring the cops to her door?)

  • Totallyoff

    I’m on the other side of the coin too. If u’ve experienced D/s and understand what it is, this movie will speak to u. Lifetime was brave to put a toe in these waters. If you’re vanilla it’ll go over your head. I like how it handled divorce issues too cause this film isn’t just about sex. When she told her husband that her sex life had nothing to do with ability to parent, I was like good on you. Your opinion will depend on the filter of your own experiences or lack thereof.

  • Penelope

    When do these Lifetime Movies even air? I never see them On Demand!

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Sorry for the late reply, just saw this. The new ones are on Saturday nights.

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  • TWL

    Seriously, the WORST. MOVIE. EVER. At the end I had the most confused look on my face like, what the hell did I just watch? There was absolutely no point to this movie. None at all. I couldn’t wait to hear your review because I knew you’d feel the same way!

    • speakingfromexperience

      Just curious but how did this movie have no point? There are some good points that come out of a divorce. As far as I know she had become happier after the divorce to a disrespectful man and it points out how co-parenting in separate homes is healthier than parenting in a unhappy marriage.

    • Just Sayin

      I agree. Divorce can be a hard, life changing experience. Especially when you get to keep the house and not have to worry about having a job. Don’t get me wrong, her ex husband was a real dick. But in the grand scheme of things, her life wasn’t as bad as say a single mother having to raise two children by working like two jobs or some shit like that. This movie was some bullshit.

  • The Duke!

    I love your reviews… I have five words for you: TONY GOLDWYN IS WARREN JEFFS. President Fitz has 50 wives. MUST. WATCH. CANNOT. RESIST.

    • Jill O’Rourke

      Thanks for reading! And oh yes, that will be interesting.

    • Jenni

      This is happening??

    • Jill O’Rourke

      YES. June 28.

  • Wtf?

    She has no job and got to keep that nice ass house in the divorce……man life is so hard