Selena Gomez Is A ‘Born Again Virgin’ Now, Which Is A Reasonable Reaction To Justin Bieber’s Penis

Selena Gomez GIF saying 'come on' grossed out face blue background(via)

Selena Gomez has allegedly become a ‘born again virgin’, but before you jump to judgement over that sentence, let’s have a moment of silence for the things that vajay has seen. Namely Justin Bieber‘s genitalia. Under the circumstances, asking the lord to seal her back up again so that she can forget and begin anew is a pretty measured reaction.

None of this has been confirmed, but the rumors state that Selena is so over the drama of relationships that she’s decided to swear them off altogether. According to Hollywood Life:

“Selena has told friends she’s completely swearing off men until she’s married. She wants to be a born-again virgin. Selena has done a complete U-turn in the past month and has gone from partying constantly to attending Bible study with a new hyper-religious groups of friends. They’ve told her it’s OK to save herself for marriage and it will be healthier for her.”

Supposedly this was all triggered by Selena’s best-friend-of-fifteen-minutes Kylie Jenner hooking up with Justin. Although the two of them weren’t together at the time, they’d been off-and-on for a long time, and Selena reportedly felt the Jenner-Bieber union as a big time betrayal and needed help dealing with it. The kind of help that you don’t have to make a repeat trip to rehab for.

“She’s swapped drinking and partying for all things Jesus.”

But as great as it would be if Selena truly is avoiding drugs and alcohol, it sounds like a lot of her friends are worried that she’s merely moved from one addiction to another.

“They’re worried she’s just transferred her obsession from one thing to another. No one’s sure if this is just a phase or the way Selena will continue to live her life long-term.”

I mean, I totally get the running and screaming away from Justin’s peen as fast as your little legs can carry you, but before you get too sucked into this new lifestyle…maybe just call your grandparents, yeah? They can’t give you back your spiritual hymen, but they can give you some actual advice and support. It’s up to you to decide which is more useful to you at this moment.

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    • J_Doe5686

      Sounds like it’s a phase. It’s great that she’s quitting drugs and alcohol and found Jesus but will it last?

    • wispy

      The hyper-religious bible friends sound just as scary as the Biebs to me.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I tend to agree with you.

    • Olivia Wilson

      I…I’m just confused as to how this re-flowering happens?

      • Nbl

        Much like Dorothy, you close your eyes tight, click your heels together and say “There’s nothing like an intact hymen”. You’ll wake up in your bed and realize just how much more tampons suck as a virgin.

    • Mai Linh Phan Le

      I can imagine Justin calling Selena and telling her that he’s the Jesus she’s been searching for. I bet this is gonna be the next story!

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