First of all, I’m sorry about the title. I don’t really have an excuse for a pun that egregious, other than it being before noon in the first few days after a four-day weekend. You can’t see it, but I’m hanging my head in shame right now.
BUT. On to the meat of this meal, which is that in a last-ditch effort to cancel their nuptials, Kim Kardashian‘s wedding dress tore justttttt before she and Kanye West were about to exchange ‘I dos’, or chaste giggles, or whatever it is that seals a non-televised marriage between two people who are finding themselves off-camera for the first time. (“Your eyes. I’ve never really seen them before. What was your name? Kimye, is it? Or is that both of us? I do.”)
Anyway, in the clothing equivalent of running in screaming ME YES I DO when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage, this poor beleaguered dress tried to throw a wrench in things the only way it knew how, by ripping. We of course know now that this ploy was unsuccessful, but you can’t fault him for trying. According to an In Touch Weekly source who supposedly attended the wedding:
“Just before the wedding was about to begin, you could hear loud screeches and screams from back in a private area. [Kim] literally was screaming bloody murder.”
Of course. Of course she was. Kim Kardashian is probably the only human being in the word who genuinely thinks that a dress can be murdered.
“She said ‘OMG, my dress is torn’. [She] kept her dress on and someone had to rush and hand-sew her back into it.”
Nice try, dress. That’s a solid A for effort. But as we all know, the dress (with Kim safely inside it) sadly was able to travel down the aisle in all its doily glory. Better luck next time, dress. Because there will be a next time.