16. When Mama Corrine (Heather Graham) orders the infamous attic to be closed off during renovations.
There are starey mannequin eyes involved, so it’s quite upsetting.
17. When Carrie goes to Cathy’s ballet and gets felt up by Julian backstage.
Chris sees them and is all, “Only I’m allowed to seduce my sisters!” Okay, so he doesn’t actually say that, but I’m sure he was thinking it.
18. When Cathy drives away with Julian, and the view outside the window is like something from a 1940s movie.
Seriously, I’m pretty sure movies made in the 1970s had better special effects than this movie set in the 1970s.
19. When Cathy tells Julian that she’s pregnant with his baby.
Well at least it’s not her brother’s. Or is it? It’s definitely not her brother’s, is it? SOMEONE CLARIFY THIS.
20. When Julian gets distracted by the baby news, and a truck barrels into the car, killing him.
Yeah, a lot of WTF happens in a very short span of time.
21. When, ten months later, Chris says the baby has his dead little brother’s eyes.
Is that because the DNA only came from one family? Please clarify if this is an incest baby or not.
22. When Carrie says she’s the devil’s spawn and doesn’t deserve to marry the preacher who proposed to her.
It’s okay, Carrie. I know lots of preachers who married devil’s spawn and were very happy together. Don’t you worry.
23. When Carrie goes to visit her mother, gets rejected, and kills herself with poison donuts.
It’s poetic, because that’s how her twin brother died. But at the same time… WTF?!
24. When Cathy starts getting revenge on her mother by sleeping with her husband Bart (Dylan Bruce).
Not exactly incest, but you know, it’s a mom and daughter sharing a sex partner, so that’s also not so great.
25. When Cathy throws up and then calls the doctor for test results of some kind.
Oh no. It can’t be. There’s no way. She cannot be pregnant again. Stop right there.
26. When Cathy arrives to be the maid of honor at Chris’ wedding, and they end up kissing.
Whoops, I know you’re getting married and I’m busy sexing our mom’s husband, but it’s a really good idea for us to make out at this particular moment.
27. When Chris’ fiancee walks in and catches them kissing.
Did I mention that the fiancee’s dad is Chris’ doctor boss? Needless to say, he’s now missing a fiancee and a job.
28. When it’s confirmed that yes, Cathy is indeed pregnant with her mother’s husband’s baby.
Say that five times fast. And then throw up, because eww.
29. When Cathy shows up at her mom’s Christmas party and reveals all the evilness in their past.
And also that she’s pregnant. That’s probably the biggest revelation.
30. When Granny (Ellen Burstyn), who’s bedridden after a stroke, shows Corrine what’s been in the attic all these years.
SPOILER ALERT: It’s the body of Corrine’s dead son, which was never buried. That’s some very bad hoarding right there.
31. When Corrine goes insane and thinks she’s pregnant with Chris’ baby.
Chris. Her son. The son who also happens to have had sex with his sister, in case you forgot.
32. When Corrine sets fire to Granny’s room.
Chris, Corrine, and Cathy escape, but husband Bart runs upstairs to be a hero. So it’s assumed that he and Granny die. As all this is happening, Cathy says increduously, “What have I done?” If you need help remembering, please refer to this entire post.
33. When the movie ends with Cathy and Chris living together as a couple raising Cathy’s two kids.
One of the neighbors comments on how perfect they are. If you mean perfect… ly related to each other by blood, then yes, they are.
And guys, this isn’t even the end of it. They’re making movies out of the next two books in the series as well. Like Granny says to Cathy at one point, “You can never escape this family.” Apparently not, because Lifetime won’t let us. As someone who’s never read this saga, to say I’m terrified would be an understatement.