Last night I watched Lifetime movie Petals on the Wind, and now I need an adult. This was the sequel to January’s Flowers in the Attic. That’s right. The first one was in January and there’s already a sequel, based on the next book in V.C. Andrews’ series. If there were an Emmy for “fastest turnaround,” Lifetime would win it every year. Just to catch you up, the plot of the first movie went a little something like this: Evil mom. Evil Grandma. Locked in the attic. Incest. Little brother dies. Escape.
If you thought that was an insane plot, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Unless you watched last night’s movie, in which case you’ve seen a lot. (Want to start a support group?) Just when you thought the story couldn’t get any more ridiculous or disturbing, ten years pass and it does. I will say that, just like the last time, the 1970s costumes and sets were great, if you could ignore the sibling makeout sessions long enough to appreciate them. But those makeout sessions barely scratch the surface of my WTF moments list. Brace yourself.
1. When the movie starts with a viewer discretion message.
Okay, so I guess they’re gonna continue with that incest thing then. Good to know.
2. When Heather Graham shows up with her dead starey mannequin eyes.
I’d already seen them in the last movie, but that doesn’t mean I was any less disturbed to see them reappear.
3. When incest sister Cathy (Rose McIver) is introduced to ballet dancer Julian (Will Kemp), a walking advertisement for the 1970s.
Sure, I enjoyed the period clothes, but nothing could prepare me for those bell bottoms. Or that hair. Or that low-cut T-shirt. Or that British accent.
4. When Cathy returns from a date with Julian and promptly has sex with her brother Christopher (Wyatt Nash).
You just had a date with a walking ’70s Halloween costume. What do you do now? Sleep with your brother, of course. What kind of dumb question is that?
5. When Chris asks Cathy “What’s the matter?” afterward.
Ummmmmmmmm…… she just had sex with her brother. Maybe that has something to do with it?
6. When Cathy talks about the miscarriage she had after being impregnated by her brother.
They almost had an incest baby. And yet they continue to have incest sex. Glad they learned from that experience.
7. When little sister Carrie (Bailey Buntain) eavesdrops on Cathy and Chris talking about their incest baby.
And she can hear the conversation because the door is ajar. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the first rule of having sex with your sibling is to close the door. And lock it. And maybe not have sex with your sibling in the first place.
8. When Cathy moves to New York with 1970s Julian to become a ballet dancer.
At least he’s not related to her, but has she seen that hair?
9. When Chris walks in on Carrie undressing.
Great, just what we need. Incest with another sister.
10. When Carrie asks Chris if he thinks she’s pretty, then acts jealous of Cathy.
Even Chris looks weirded out by this. And he slept with his sister. Multiple times.
11. When Julian drunkenly slams Cathy into the wall and gives her a black eye.
I told you that haircut was bad news.
12. When Cathy attends Chris’ med school graduation and is jealous of his girlfriend.
Honey, he is your brother. And you told him to move on. Take a step back and look at your life. Really look at it. Yeah, I know, I told you it was insane.
13. When Cathy goes back to New York and forgives 1970s Julian.
It’s not clear whether she forgives the hair, but it’s implied that it’s a package deal.
14. When Cathy has Julian stick broken glass in her rival’s toe shoes.
He uses a very fancy-looking red scarf to protect his hands while doing it, though. Always 1970s fabulous, that Julian, even when he’s plotting to injure someone.
15. When the mean girls at school lock Carrie in the storage closet.
OH NO! She’s not good at being locked in small spaces! We learned that from the last movie!