• Thu, May 22 - 10:00 am ET

Justin Bieber Is Sexing His Way Across The Globe, Starting With Victoria’s Secret Models

Justin Bieber attending a party at Cannes May 2014Now that Justin Bieber has retired from his equally illustrious passions of singing and egging, I bet you’re wondering what he gets up to all the time. I mean the kid has demonstrated a love for Instagram that knows no bounds, and we know he has plans to go to prom for a couple hours tomorrow night, but these are not 24/7 hobbies, so he obvi had to pick up another one — SEXXXXXX.

Even though I can’t imagine there’s a single woman on the face of this earth who still wants to let Justin near her private parts, there obviously are. I may not be affected by his particular brand of scrawny, but apparently one group of women is, and they’re Victoria’s Secret models. After having previously been linked to Miranda Kerr and Barbara Palvin, who supposedly broke up his relationship with Selena Gomez, Justin was seen hanging out in France with Adriana Lima a few days ago as well. Must be something in the underwire.

According to a source with Hollywood Life:

“All Justin cares about right now is having as much sex as possible with as many beautiful girls as he can meet. The more famous the better.”

Great. That’s just great. I can’t wait to hear how this goes. Although I am slightly comforted to discover that apparently there was nothing romantic about his hangout with Adriana:

“Justin and Adriana took the picture and hung out for a little bit but not as much as he would have liked. He has told his friends over and over that he wants to bang as many models as possible and he honestly believes he can. There is no relationship between the two, nothing brewing but he would hook up with her in a heartbeat.”

Blegh. Blegh blegh blegh. That’s an ambitious itinerary, but Justin is on board, committed to spending this year ’sewing his wild oats all over the world’. TEN THOUSAND POUNDS OF VOMIT.

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  • M_G

    …..you know what? I can’t even be mad (HELLA SKEEVED OUT, yes, but not mad). He’s young, rich, famous….go for it. It’s a far better use of his time than what he’s been up to thus far. And you know there’s a line of gorgeous women willing to….*chokes back the vomit*….well, you know…..

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      STOP TALKING STOP TALKING CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA!

    • FauxRealFaux

      Seriously, Alexis. I think you are totally jealous of Justin Bieber’s underwear because they get to snuggle his tater tots and you sooooo wish it was you doing the snuggling. Bieber is totally awesome and I don’t blame women for wanting to rip his totally hip clothes off his amazingly hot body!

      Admit it, Alexis!

  • belieber4life

    Leave him the fuck alone, you slut.

    • M_G

      Shouldn’t you be in school right now, young lady? Your teachers and parents aren’t going to be happy that you’re skipping your 8th grade English class to leave comments like this on the internet.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thanks so much for the kind words! And for knowing that ‘slut’ is a totally appropriate thing to call someone!

    • CMJ

      I don’t think the word slut means what you think it means.

    • M_G

      Exactly. Because isn’t a slut someone who likes to sleep around indiscriminately with many different people? You know…..like Justin Bieber? It amazes me that the Beliebers can’t see that fact.

    • belieber4life

      haha guys cannot be sluts you moron. and he’s not slept with many women he’s only slept with one!!! you wanna know who a proper slut is? Selena gomez and that shitface ugly whore best friend of hers who ruined jelena taywhore slutwift.

    • M_G

      Re-posting a variation of your previous comment doesn’t actually make those words make sense. Just an FYI.

    • Nbl

      Guys can’t be sluts? Well that’s news to me. Tell then, what do you call a male that does the same actions as a female you would categorize as slut? A mutt? A malt? Mult? Help me out here.

    • FauxRealFaux

      Oh my gosh! You like totally read my mind! Justin Bieber is totally awesome and doesn’t have time for old skanks like Taywhore. I mean seriously people like get a freaking clue!

  • M_G

    Okay, I see you have a problem with terminology (and with intelligence in general, but we’ll get to that in a minute). Justin Bieber is a lecher, which is an old-fashioned term for a womanizing male slut. Because when someone sleeps around indiscriminately with many different people, that’s what they are. I mean, to each their own. Let Justin’s freak flag fly high. But yeah. Just an FYI.

    Now, as to your other…..points? Ramblings? Psychotic blithering? I am thrilled that you are so well versed in various swear words and derogatory terms. Your parents must be so proud. But I have come to expect that from, well, most of the Beliebers out there. Like the rest of them, either you’re a petulant teenager, or you’re just an unintelligent buffoon, because in between all of the swears and insults, you cannot offer me one single piece of evidence to support your arguments. Your posts, much like Justin Bieber, lack any sort of substance or insight and therefore, again like Justin Bieber, cannot be taken seriously.

    • Nbl

      A think “rouge” and “cad” would be in there as well. Now I want to re-read Pride and Prejudice.

    • M_G

      You know, I just don’t think those words evoke the right level of disdain. My goal is to have the word “Bieber” become synonymous with “male slut”. For example, “Oh duuude, I wanna bang those chicks in the corner.” “Whoa! Man, calm down. Stop acting like such a Bieber.”

    • Nbl

      I think Joss Whedon beat you to that by using the word “Biebered” to mean the complete opposite of being humble. :)

  • alaina

    l don’t believe