How old would you guess Madonna is? Probably about a hundred, hundred and fifty, right? She’s actually only fifty-five! But she looks about half that on the cover of V Magazine, so you were way off.
In theory, Madonna is sharing the cover with Katy Perry, but Katy only has about a third of the real estate, positioned behind Madonna and encased in some kind of tacky leather-like substance up to her neck. It’s Madge who really commands the attention, on account of the fact that her taut bosoms are spilling out of her leather bustier, as she spreads her legs so the ‘V’ of the magazine’s logo can slot neatly into the ‘V’ of the singer, becoming one extraordinarily eye-catching ‘V’.
But for as long as my eye was caught by vadge and bags (the name of my upcoming folk album), it did eventually tear itself free and go roaming up toward THE MOST ABSURDLY PHOTOSHOPPED FACE I’VE EVER SEEN. I’m well aware that Madonna looks good for her age, but as previously mentioned, her age is fifty-five. So when Madonna looks good for thirty-five or even twenty-five on a magazine cover, I’ma take a little issue with it.
Look…at her effing…face. There’s not a line on it. Not one. They actually Photoshopped her younger than Katy Perry, who’s only twenty-nine. She at least was allowed to retain the echo of one of those parentheses that surround her mouth, while Madonna was turned into some sort of unblemished android. Nothing under her eyes, around her mouth, along her forehead, nothing in the jowl department…absolutely nothing to hint that she’s been a human being in the world since 1958.
At this point, why even bother having Madonna on-set for this shoot? Why not just do a painting of her? It would probably require less time and art-skills than transforming Maddona the person into Madonna the face-infant, with zero percent of the diva demands. All I’m saying is consider it before you ask me to believe in another Photoshop fairy tale like the one you just spun.
(Photo: Steven Klein for V Magazine)