At this point I think we all have to face the fact that Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are not getting married any time soon. They’ve been engaged since 2012 and still haven’t walked down the aisle. The wedding just keeps getting postponed and their relationship keeps being rumored to be on the rocks. Tabloids would have us believe it’s because of everything from Brangelina jealousy to Jen wanting to lose 10 pounds first. Seriously, that’s the latest report. Because if anyone could use to lose 10 pounds, it’s Jennifer Aniston.
Because these two are taking forever to get themselves hitched, I thought it would be helpful for us to look at the timeline in relation to the rest of the celebrity world. While Jen and Justin are busy not getting married, plenty of things are happening with other celebrities. So here are some things I think are likely to happen before we see these two get married. You might want to print this out for your records, because I’m a regular Nostradamus.
1. Jessica Simpson will have two more babies.
Actually, two’s being a little conservative. This is Jessica we’re talking about. Interestingly enough, these pregnancies are also likely to occur before her own wedding, because birth control schmirth control.
2. Justin Bieber will be held accountable for his actions.
We’ve come so close to seeing Bieber face serious consequences for his behavior, but ultimately he’s just allowed to return to his douche ways. Give it time, though — the amount of time it will take Jen and Justin to wed — and we might finally see it happen.
3. Brangelina’s kids will be adopting kids of their own.
They’ll be all grown up and in their own high profile relationships, adopting kids from various continents and maybe making a few of their own. And then they’ll all get engaged, so Jen will have to wait even longer. It never ends with those Jolie-Pitts.
4. The Big Bang Theory will be canceled.
In case you missed it, this show was recently renewed for three more seasons. There’s no end in sight, just like with this engagement.
5. We’ll all go a day without singing “Let It Go.”
In other words, this wedding is never, ever going to happen. Ever. LEEEET IT GOOOOOO.
6. Lindsay Lohan will wear a bra.
LiLo’s side boob is currently praying this happens sooner rather than later, but something tells me it’ll have to wait a while. You can’t just train Linds to support her breasts overnight.
7. Harry Styles will be in a real relationship.
We might have to wait until at least December 7th to make a judgment, though. Think Jen can wait that long? Yeah, she can.
8. Jon Hamm will wear underwear.
Haha, yeah sure. That’ll happen when Jennifer Aniston gets married. (See what I did there?)
9. Willow Smith will become old enough for those bed photos to be appropriate.
Just to clear things up, Willow is currently 13. If we’re saying she needs to be 18 before it’s okay for her to pose in bed with a shirtless 20-year-old, then that means we’ve got five years to wait. Sounds about right.
10. Adele will show us a photo of her baby.
And I mean a photo of her baby that was not taken by photographers and includes his face. So in other words, Jennifer Aniston is never getting married. Sorry.