Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kids Were Caught Eating Fast Food, Aka This Divorce Is Getting Ugly

Gwyneth Paltrow giving side eye at the Toronto International Film Festival September 2012(Photo: Ian Wilson /

I do have a slight tendency to meddle in celebrity relationships, and if you read this site often you know that, but even I need to apologize for the messiness of the divorce that I’m going to dive into. It’s the one between Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, and it just got really down and dirty.

…because Chris let the kids eat fast food. I KNOW. I know, you guys. I’ve been peering out my window shades all day to see if Gwyneth is storming down the streets like a MUTO to retrieve her children, drawn by the siren song of hot oil and trans fats. I haven’t seen her yet, but she must be on her way.

Gwyneth Paltrow screaming on a plane


After all, she usually keeps them on a gluten-free, low-carb diet, the better to feel the occasional hunger pang (it builds character!), so this is destroying all her hard work! And who’s to say there isn’t wiggle room in their dieterary restrictions? On cheat day, they get to walk by a bakery and smell the air! Does Chris Martin have no respect for that way of life?

Apparently not, because according to In Touch, a source spotted Apple and Moses going to down at a fast-food restaurant in Santa Monica called Reddi Chick. THAT IS DECIDEDLY NOT THE NAME OF A LOCALLY-SOURCED VEGAN RESTAURANT.

“They were shoveling handfuls of fries into their mouths. It was like they’d never eaten anything so good in their lives! They were loving every second of it.”

Oh yeah? Is that the way we’re gonna play it? We’re gonna let our kids have a real childhood now, just to punish each other? Well fine! Maybe I’ll take them to the beach tomorrow, and you see how you like it! But seriously guys, I hope those fries were good, because once Gwyneth finds out her kids ate them, she’s gonna turn Chris into a tree.

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    • Jill O’Rourke

      There is really no other appropriate verb for eating fries other than “shoveling.” Whether you’ve eaten them before or not, that’s the only way to go.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        And no utensils. Hand-shovels only.

    • keelhaulrose

      Chris Martin annoys me a little less right now.
      Still not gonna listen to Coldplay.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hahaha, you’re within your rights!

    • keetakat

      That video is cracking me up.

    • Kay_Sue

      I can’t imagine what it must be like for these kids to eat it for the first time. Glorious.

      • Alexis Rhiannon


      • Kay_Sue

        It’s sorcery. Delicious, trans fatty sorcery.

    • Darling Dewey

      “She’s gonna turn Chris into a tree.” Hahaha! That line has me cracking up!

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hurrayyyy! I am pleased!

    • Darling Dewey

      Seriously, though, I feel bad for the kids. I’m sure she’s going to give them the mother of all lectures about eating junk food. She’s probably trying to figure out just how much trouble she’d be in if she went ahead and had them get colonics to clean their systems out.

    • JJ

      Those kids are impure now that they have been tainted by the dreaded greasy fast food. I hope you enjoyed that fry freedom kids because you won’t have that again till your over 18 again. It’s nothing but all natural asparagus and organic pesticide free super expensive Kale and spinach salad for you for now on.

    • markmywords

      If they do have allergies (as I’d read), they sure did have a good time afterwards.