I know the week is just getting started, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already discovered the most devastating image to come out of it, at least in the celebrity world. It’sÂ Lindsay Lohan‘s side boob, and it’s about to seriously harsh your mellow.
Anyone who watched LiLo’s OprahÂ docu-seriesÂ LindsayÂ or is familiar with herÂ Instagram accountÂ knows that she’s not a big fan of wearing bras, but I didn’t understand the true ramifications of that concept until I saw the dress she wore to an event called Gabrielle’s Gala which was held in London earlier this month. Most people can only not wearÂ one bra at a time, but based on this photo, I’d guess that LiLo is not wearing at least three.
The dress itself isn’t that offensive, I guess? If you catch her head-on, Lindsay doesn’t lookÂ that offensive, I guess. She’s wearing far too much makeup, which we should all be used to by now, but her hair looks pretty nice and the coloring of the dress is theoretically great. It’s a bright kelly green intermixed with a cerulean blue, which is surprisingly nice against her skin tone. But sadly, that’s where my compliments are going to stop, because everything else about this look makes me want to put my head down on my desk for a quick sad-nap.
Basically, it all comes down to the side shot, which points out some very unfortunate things about the dress’ cut. For one thing, you completely lose her waist with the way those boxy panels covering her boobs come down to meet the skirt portion. It’s all straight lines and square edges and SO MUCH SIDEBOOB.
Girl, I Â know you’re anti-bra, but you gotta treat those honkers with some respect instead of plastering them down flat. Or if you’re totally married to the idea of pancaking them down like you have, at least cover it up on the side so they I can live my life in ignorance of the fact that yourÂ sideboob starts in the same place as your armpit.
And then just to round things out, there’s that tattoo, which if you can’t read, says,Â ’Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife / I feel like I’m in the prime of my life’, which is a line from a Billy JoelÂ song and also a devastatingly inaccurate representation of the yearÂ 2011, which is when she got the ink done.
I’m all for taking risks, and this is admittedly a lot more fashion snark than I was anticipating coming out of me, but girl. GIRL. Don’t treat your poor old pups like that! Is that not painful? Are there not nerves in those mammary sacs? They need love too.
(Photo: i-Image / PacificCoastNews)