• Tue, May 20 - 12:35 pm ET

Lindsay Lohan’s Side Boob May Just Be The Saddest Thing You’ll Ever See

Lindsay Lohan showing side boob in green dress at Gabrielle's Gala May 2014 full

I know the week is just getting started, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already discovered the most devastating image to come out of it, at least in the celebrity world. It’s Lindsay Lohan‘s side boob, and it’s about to seriously harsh your mellow.

Anyone who watched LiLo’s Oprah docu-series Lindsay or is familiar with her Instagram account knows that she’s not a big fan of wearing bras, but I didn’t understand the true ramifications of that concept until I saw the dress she wore to an event called Gabrielle’s Gala which was held in London earlier this month. Most people can only not wear one bra at a time, but based on this photo, I’d guess that LiLo is not wearing at least three.

The dress itself isn’t that offensive, I guess? If you catch her head-on, Lindsay doesn’t look that offensive, I guess. She’s wearing far too much makeup, which we should all be used to by now, but her hair looks pretty nice and the coloring of the dress is theoretically great. It’s a bright kelly green intermixed with a cerulean blue, which is surprisingly nice against her skin tone. But sadly, that’s where my compliments are going to stop, because everything else about this look makes me want to put my head down on my desk for a quick sad-nap.

Lindsay Lohan showing side boob in green dress at Gabrielle's Gala May 2014

Basically, it all comes down to the side shot, which points out some very unfortunate things about the dress’ cut. For one thing, you completely lose her waist with the way those boxy panels covering her boobs come down to meet the skirt portion. It’s all straight lines and square edges and SO MUCH SIDEBOOB.

Girl, I  know you’re anti-bra, but you gotta treat those honkers with some respect instead of plastering them down flat. Or if you’re totally married to the idea of pancaking them down like you have, at least cover it up on the side so they I can live my life in ignorance of the fact that your sideboob starts in the same place as your armpit.

And then just to round things out, there’s that tattoo, which if you can’t read, says, ’Clear as a crystal sharp as a knife / I feel like I’m in the prime of my life’, which is a line from a Billy Joel song and also a devastatingly inaccurate representation of the year 2011, which is when she got the ink done.

I’m all for taking risks, and this is admittedly a lot more fashion snark than I was anticipating coming out of me, but girl. GIRL. Don’t treat your poor old pups like that! Is that not painful? Are there not nerves in those mammary sacs? They need love too.

(Photo: i-Image / PacificCoastNews)

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  • mich_nicole

    usually i envy her outside side boob…but in this case you can only attribute her inside side boob…this dress is not flattering

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Not even a little bit.

  • J_Doe5686

    She needs a new stylist.

    • Jenni

      Or a stylist. I have a feeling that now it’s just a bottle of wine and a mirror.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I think she fancies herself one, which is likely part of the problem.

  • Kathy

    Oh my, this dress was obviously designed to be worn with a short-sleeve t-shirt, or clingy blouse underneath. And a bra, of course! If I were the designer I’d be embarrassed.

  • NYCNanny

    Wow. I hate this author. Seriously. All negativity. All snarky. Lindsay looked great and stfu
    About her boobs. Isn’t this supposed to be a faux feminist site…? Where’s the “she looks happy and healthy so who cares about her saggy boobies…”????

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I’m not sure what ‘faux feminist’ site even means. Can you explain that?