Today is Bob Saget‘s birthday, and it really got me thinking about his Full House years. Back when I was an avid watcher of the show (Who am I kidding…”was”? I wish) Danny Tanner did a lot of things I understood to be corny, but not necessarily wrong. I was a cynic from a young age, but once upon a time I did get a warm, gooey feeling from watching the show. Now, as a 28-year-old woman who sometimes watches re-runs on Nick at Nite, I realize that there were plenty of instances where Daniel Tanner was either a.) creepy or b.) totally wrong or c.) both. Allow me to state my case:
1. Letting his brother-in-law and best friend live in his house for nearly a decade, rent-free.
Let’s just cut right to the chase. I mean, I shouldn’t have to spell out how ridiculous this is. I understand that Pam Tanner died tragically and left behind three young girls and an overwhelmed, grieving husband and father… but come on. Do you have any idea how much money these freeloaders probably saved on rent in San Francisco? Man, if someone had let me live in their gigantic house in a beautiful city for free FOR MANY YEARS, I probably would have had time to really hone my craft and go after my dreams too, Jesse and Joey. Must be nice! I could have made 50 Japanese pop star music videos by now. Damn.
2. When Danny made Stephanie feel like shit for seeing a shrink.
Remember when San Francisco experienced an earthquake, and Danny was nowhere to be found? Stephanie basically had a mental breakdown over it, and clung to Danny for dear life for awhile. Rather than address his own parental decision-making as being the root of his daughter’s issues (working crazy hours, leaving her alone with two incompetent men in the wake of her mother’s death, being psychotic about germs and cleanliness, giving her a such a crappy little sister, etc.), he sends her to a therapist where she paints one depressing picture and WHAM! she’s cured. Hmmph.
3. Letty Vicky go. Twice.
Are you crazy, man?! You found a career-driven, beautiful woman who is not only totally cool with your…ahem…alternative living arrangement and three pieces of first-marriage-baggage, but you let her slip away? TWICE?! Vicky simply had needs and wants like any other respectable woman does, but Danny simply refused to fulfill them. You think a Disneyland proposal is appropriate for a forty-something woman? Do you think the shit fit you threw over her mother updating your way-too-old-for-stuffed-animals daughters’ bedroom was okay? No. But Vicky did. She tolerated it because she loved you, Danny. And you threw her away like yesterday’s dirty dishwater.
4. Verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusing a young neighborhood girl.
Nine-year-old me thought Kimmy Gibbler was weird. But only because Danny, Joey, and Jesse convinced me she was! And when you’re a kid, an adult’s word is the law. Now, a much older and wiser me thinks Kimmy Gibbler is awesome. Her style, her personality, her sass, her flair for pissing off those three men…classic. She was way cooler than all three Tanner girls put together. So what if she had smelly feet? Look, after I wear a pair of flats all day my dogs are barkin’ too, you know what I mean? Please.
5. Infantalizing Michelle while ignoring the needs of D.J. and Stephanie.
One can only take so many instances of “You got it, dude” and “I want ouce cream” and puffy-legged, floral toddler jumpers before one says to oneself, “I think this girl is about two years away from puberty now, so what gives?” Treating Michelle like she’s God’s gift to cute children did not serve her any favors. I don’t even want to know what reading-level she tests at these days, because it’s probably stuck somewhere around 1992. No wonder D.J. was hanging out with thirteen-year-old Milwaukee’s Best drinkers, and Stephanie drove Joey’s car into the house… Michelle was always cutesy-ing her way into their personal space. I’d act out too, ladies.
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