I want you to close your eyes and think of a moment you’re particularly proud of. Not a run-of-the-mill one, but something really solid. Or at least, something so impressive that you can high-five about it. I have no idea what you came up with, because the two of us don’t know each other, butÂ Chelsea Handler, for one, thinks driving under the influence is pretty high-five worthy, so I guess we’re setting the bar pretty low.
Chelsea recently hadÂ Jason PriestleyÂ on the show to promote…self-tanner? Suits with sneakers? Nothing? Who knows. But anyway, Jason wanted to tell the story of the time he spent five days in jail with a bunch of Russians playing card games, and it turns out that he had to do that because of a DUI he got in 1999. And while he’s explaining that, he Â points at Chelsea and seems to remember that she’s had one as well, so he asks her. To which she responds:
“Yup, yup, yup. High five.”
Girrrrrl come on. I have no doubt you’re kidding and that you’re not actually proud of endangering yourself and the people around you, but listen to yourself! A high five? What, because you didn’t kill anybody? And it only gets worse from there:
Jason: “I mean come on, come on. [Audience cheers.] Thank you. What self-respecting Los Angeleno doesn’t have a DUI under their belt?”
Yeah? Really? ‘Self-respecting’ is the phrase we wanna use there? I kinda felt like you meant something more little more like ‘irresponsible’, but you do you, man.
Chelsea: “The important thing is not to get two. Once you get one, then you don’t get one again. I’ve never had one — you’ve never had one.
Jason: “So you get one, lesson learned.”
Would we call that the important thing, Chelsea? Not to get two DUIs? It wouldn’t be to ‘have the common sense not to get in a car while intoxicated in the first place’? That’s not the important thing? Nope! Turns out that one is the perfect amount of DUIs, because then you get to learn a lesson that others somehow absorb simply because it’s A. a law and B. common sense. I don’t like murdering people with a two-ton vehicle, ergo maybe I should get a cab tonight. SCIENCE!