I want you to close your eyes and think of a moment you’re particularly proud of. Not a run-of-the-mill one, but something really solid. Or at least, something so impressive that you can high-five about it. I have no idea what you came up with, because the two of us don’t know each other, but Chelsea Handler, for one, thinks driving under the influence is pretty high-five worthy, so I guess we’re setting the bar pretty low.
Chelsea recently had Jason Priestley on the show to promote…self-tanner? Suits with sneakers? Nothing? Who knows. But anyway, Jason wanted to tell the story of the time he spent five days in jail with a bunch of Russians playing card games, and it turns out that he had to do that because of a DUI he got in 1999. And while he’s explaining that, he points at Chelsea and seems to remember that she’s had one as well, so he asks her. To which she responds:
“Yup, yup, yup. High five.”
Girrrrrl come on. I have no doubt you’re kidding and that you’re not actually proud of endangering yourself and the people around you, but listen to yourself! A high five? What, because you didn’t kill anybody? And it only gets worse from there:
Jason: “I mean come on, come on. [Audience cheers.] Thank you. What self-respecting Los Angeleno doesn’t have a DUI under their belt?”
Yeah? Really? ‘Self-respecting’ is the phrase we wanna use there? I kinda felt like you meant something more little more like ‘irresponsible’, but you do you, man.
Chelsea: “The important thing is not to get two. Once you get one, then you don’t get one again. I’ve never had one — you’ve never had one.
Jason: “So you get one, lesson learned.”
Would we call that the important thing, Chelsea? Not to get two DUIs? It wouldn’t be to ‘have the common sense not to get in a car while intoxicated in the first place’? That’s not the important thing? Nope! Turns out that one is the perfect amount of DUIs, because then you get to learn a lesson that others somehow absorb simply because it’s A. a law and B. common sense. I don’t like murdering people with a two-ton vehicle, ergo maybe I should get a cab tonight. SCIENCE!