Happy birthday to Lena Dunham, self-proclaimed voice of our generation and extremely gifted writer, creator, actor, and producer of the show Girls. For as much as I don’t enjoy watching it all that much anymore, I do recognize the amount of talent, vision, and flat-out hard work that it takes to create something that’s so polarizing in our culture. (A lot.)
You either love Lena or you hate her, and for as insincere as this sounds — I really admire Lena for that. It takes some serious balls to just be yourself, which is why very few people put themselves out there like Lena does.
But that said, just because I admire her work and her work ethic doesn’t mean I want to spend a couple hours with her drinking bubble tea and talking about existential crises. There are plenty of celebrities I’m obsessed with and totally want to meet in real life, just Lena doesn’t happen to be one of them. I feel like we’d have to sit around constantly reaffirming our places in the world to each other and trading complaints about how much our parents love us, y’know?
So bottom line, Lena is right exactly where she should be — on my television. For as talented and great as I think she is, I’m glad to have that little glass barrier dividing us, because my (uninformed) suspicion is that she’d get pretttttty annoying in larger doses. She and the rest of this list have that in common.
1. Lena Dunham
It seems like it would be so difficult to be her friend, and that she kind of even revels in that. But of course, I’m basing all of this almost entirely on her Girls character Hannah Horvath, so do what you will with that information.
2. Jon Hamm
All I have to support this claim is a gut feeling, but I don’t get the best vibes from Jon Hamm. He’s played a disinterested asshole too many times to ignore, and spent the last couple years or so hearing “you’re so hot” and “I can see your penis and it’s giant” from all sides. That has to change a person.
Ultimately, the thing that Beyonce is best at is presentation. She has the image that she puts out to the world down to a science, so any real life experience you had with her would end up being a letdown. And if there’s one thing in the world that I can’t handle right now, it’s being let down by Beyonce. Especially with all the Solange Knowles stuff flying around.
4. Justin Timberlake
I don’t know about you, but I don’t really see myself needing to spend that much time with someone who recently said ‘I am America’. Those types of people tend to grate on my nerves, so I think I’m just fine sticking with ‘Suit & Tie’ on repeat if you don’t mind.
5. Daniel Day-Lewis
A. He’s widely known to never come out of character, so that would be…a lot to deal with. And B. do you really want a friend who you had to constantly refer to by their full name? There’s no way anyone’s getting away with calling DDL ‘Dan’ or ‘Danny’. Who would you even be talking about?
She was intense enough when she was younger, but as Madonna ages, she gets more and more terrifying. If you don’t believe me, just spend ten minutes cruising her Instagram. The woman is clinging to sexiness kicking and screaming well into her fifties, and if you plan on prying it away from her, it’ll have to be out of her cold, dead hands.
7. Leonardo DiCaprio
You know those friends you have where you go to a party with them and they’re always looking over your shoulder, trying to see if someone more interesting came in? I feel like that’s how it would be with Leonardo all the time, in between him bemoaning not having an Oscar yet. Plus any time you wanted to see him, you’d also have to see whatever twenty-something Victoria’s Secret model he’s dating at the time. I’ll pass.
8. Mindy Kaling
She makes really great points about everything from body image to gender norms to hypocrisy, but as someone who’s taken a good solid look at her Instagram, I think I’d die of boredom actually hanging out with her. It’s all about which designers gave her what to wear and who she saw and doesn’t she look wonderful? One of those situations where her words are worth a thousand pictures.
9. Alec Baldwin
As exhilarating as it would be to be buds with someone who could get arrested on a simple bike jaunt from home to wherever, I think I’d rather settle down with someone a little less…volatile. And who doesn’t use the word ‘fathead’, if I get to make more than one wish.
10. Katy Perry
Please, PLEASE don’t argue with me on this one unless you’ve read some of the quotes she’s given about John Mayer‘s brain. She’s obsessed with how smart he is, to the point that it makes my skin crawl. Girl knows how to sell an album, and pretty much every song she makes gets up to #1, but I feel like she’s pretty lacking in common sense or street smarts or whatever, and I imagine that would start to grate on me.
11. Johnny Depp
Again, such a great actor, and capable of such amazing character transformations, but no thank you. How can you ever expect to know where you stand with Johnny when he’s always doing something to out-weird himself? It’d be exhausting.
Maybe she only does it to people she doesn’t know that well, but I feel like hanging out with Lorde, you’d have to be extra aware of everything that came out of your mouth. Because the first thing you said wrong she’d be calling you out on Twitter and starting a slow clap from people you thought were your friends! This is my nightmare.