Mother’s Day is here, and it’s time to celebrate the joys of bringing life into the world. We could talk about the universal benefits of parenting (getting to dress a powerless creature in any ridiculous outfit of your choosing, having an excuse to repeatedly watch Kung Fu Panda without fear of being judged, etc.). But instead we’re going to discuss a parenting perk limited to celebrities: the ability to make a crap-ton of money off your kid.
See, unlike non-famous, useless babies who can only do things like poop, ruin a plane flight, and connect with you on an spiritually-awakening level, celebrity babies can actually net their parents profit. They generate clothing lines, book deals, endorsements, etc. So really, when celebrities give birth to a baby, they’re also giving birth to a new car and summer house in the Hamptons. Procreating for them is akin to Ed McMahon knocking on their front door and handing them a human Publisher’s Clearing House check. (And if you don’t know that reference, I’m officially old and need to start learning Coachella bands or something). Let’s look at the celebrity moms who’ve turned motherhood into a business, because parenting should be about more than just nurturing your flesh and blood into a thriving person, right? It should be about posting pictures of your baby to Facebook every time he/she yawns. Wait, that’s not right either. Oh well, let’s move on.
1. Alicia Silverstone
For years, I forgot about Alicia Silverstone until I noticed everyone under 20 dressing like Cher from Clueless. Sigh, if I had kept all my crop tops from the ’90s I could open a Forever 21 right now. Anyway, Alicia recently popped up spouting the perils of meat, diapers, tampons, cribs, and basically every modern innovation that separates us from animals. Alicia wants to go back to 1896 and if you want to poop indoors and use antiseptics, you’re gambling with your LIFE. She doesn’t have many acting projects coming up, but now that she’s writing books telling people to avoid vaccination, she’s found a higher purpose (and paycheck). And thank God. Because without her qualified medical opinion, we wouldn’t have the solution to all of mankind’s health problems, which is: just eat green stuff. Seriously. Got fertility issues/insomnia/Lupus? Alicia says organic, locally-sourced kale will clear that right up.
2. Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba was great in…actually, I can’t recall any movie she’s been in, but I can tell you exactly how many inches she cut off with her last haircut, because girl is all over paparazzi pictures errry day. That isn’t actually a criticism of her as much as it is of me, because I’ve just admitted that looking at pictures of celebs coming out of Whole Foods is my favorite hobby, second only to my more productive hobby of watching paint dry. Anyway, Jessica’s most critically-acclaimed role was playing herself in a L’Oreal commercial, so she’s stopped acting and parlayed motherhood into an eco-friendly wellness company. It’s a good strategy. I imagine her team reflected on her career, conducted research, and were like, “Bad news: after months of crunching data, we found that no one can tell the difference between you and Jessica Biel. The good news is: They think you’re super pretty and want to know what face wash you use.” Voilà!
3. Gwyneth Paltrow
I don’t know how she does it, but this woman gives me the combined anger of all 4 dudes in Rage Against the Machine. We’ve all been told what to do by Gwyneth more than our own mothers, so you know what I’m talking about. I used to actually enjoy her acting, but since she had kids and started
Poop Goop, her job seems to consist of equating processed cheese consumption to black-tar heroin use, and you know what? If that’s the case, I appoint myself the kingpin of a sophisticated cartel that traffics in Kraft single slices and slips those intoxicating plastic-like rectangles into sandwiches all up and down the border. Yeah! You wanna mess with the Kraft King, Gwynnie? You get a broken wing (or something else that rhymes and sounds way more intimidating).
4. Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson seems sweet and I remember her having a decent singing voice, but I’m pretty sure her only real skill is the ability to make any sentence sound like a line from Little House on the Prairie. Despite this limited range, she is a multimillionaire. How? Because even though she thinks it’s acceptable to wear a muumuu with heels, she has managed to create one of most successful fashion empires in the world. Jess also had kids, which landed her a Weight Watchers contract, which made her more money than all the people who are trying to cure cancer make combined. But you know what? I have to give her credit. 99.9% of the time I come across a cute shoe in a department store, it’s a freaking Jessica Simpson shoe. Well played, Simpson.
5. Tori Spelling
I’ll give Tori Spelling one thing: she’s created a range products that all pun on her name, and for that, she’s been vicTORIous. (Now please excuse me while I remove all the mirrors in my house because I can’t look at myself after that joke). The thing is, Tori really, really craves press coverage and she’s not afraid to broadcast sordid family secrets that will ensure her children have a hard time looking people in the eyes. Example: her latest show is about her husband cheating. It’s presented in such an exposed way, it makes the Kardashians look like one of those classy high-born families from Downton Abbey who’re obsessed with discretion. Tori also has a clothing line for kids, because nothing prepares one for fashion design quite like appearing as a minor character on a 90s TV show. Hopefully it’ll make her money before we get a show all about her bowel movements.