As you’re hopefully aware, Bey and Jay are going on tour together this summer for what they’re calling the ‘On The Run Tour‘, but what I’m choosing to lovingly refer to as the ‘Please Release The Barclay’s Center Date So I Know How Much $$$ I’m Throwing At You And When Tour’. But regardless, when superstars of their magnitude join together for a series of concerts, you know they’re gonna have some crazy ass requests. Justified, because people will be selling their homes and firstborns to get tickets to this extravaganza, but still crazy.
Probably not as crazy as this fake rider though, which is a real tragedy, because I want to live in a world where Beyonce requires ‘one (1) porcelain bathtub enclosed in a private, adjacent room, filled halfway.’ SURFBORT. SURFBORT. Every item on this joke list is uniquely hilarious and brilliant, so please read every inch of it, but here are some highlights:
- Exactly four (4) cigars, embossed with the numeral IV, served over ice.
- Four (4) hard-boiled eggs, peeled and rinsed, to be eaten whole by Beyonce, in complete silence.
- A twenty-two (22) course vegan buffet should be present, but should never be visible to Beyonce.
- Lighting should be designed so that an outside observer, upon entering the room, would exclaim, “GIRL, IS THIS HEAVEN?”
- Tina Knowles’ feet may never touch the ground.
If this isn’t word-for-word real, I want my Illuminati membership back and I don’t want to live in the world of mortals anymore. Take me away from here, Jayonce!