I’m about to give you a serious blast from the past, but it’s Breckin Meyer‘s birthday today. You may not remember who that is off the top of your head, but he was very important to me for some of my formative teen years. Which is just a fancy way of saying I had a monster crush on him, for whatever reason.
I figured that Breckin was a good bet for me because he seemed nice, funny, and not too far out of my league on account of his general floppiness, and I set about mentally planning our lives together. I had no doubt that we’d grow and change together, my tastes growing more discerning as his movie roles grew more mature.
Except, as we all know — that was not to be. Sometime after fourteen and before twenty, Breckin and I grew apart. After all the time I’d dedicated to loving him, he betrayed me in the harshest, most devastating way he could: by not being famous anymore. It was a let down of the type I’d experienced before, but never quite so severely, and even though at the time, I thought I’d never get over it, now I can barely even remember that Breckin and I ever shared those precious moments, with only a television in between us.
But even though he’s the first person who comes to mind when I think of Fallen Off The Map Syndrome, he’s far from the only sufferer. So why don’t you check through this list and see if you find any of your long-forgotten crushes buried in here as well. Maybe dust them off, take them for a spin on memory lane? I have a feeling they’d appreciate the chance to get out of the house for once.
1. Breckin Meyer
Oh Breckin. We hardly knew ye.
2. Josh Hartnett
He’s making a pseudo-comeback right now on the show Penny Dreadful, but that doesn’t explain AT ALL where he’s been for the past, what, ten years? For a while there he was brooding his way through every single romcom, and then all of a sudden nothing? What, were we supposed to wait around for you, Josh? YOU NEVER CALLED.
Oh my sweet prince! After such gems as She’s All That and Head Over Heels, I thought we were supposed to be together always. Never…let it…DROP. But then you had to go and fall for that Sarah Michelle Gellar lady and start a family, and you ain’t hardly been seen around these parts since. Except in those rare moments when I see him do a cameo in something and am like WHOA GRAY HAIR CONFUSING HELP.
4. Shane West
Remember when all it took to be a bad boy in Hollywood was spiky hair, an unbuttoned shirt, and a sneer? Like, you could do the movie A Walk To Remember with goddamn Mandy Moore and end up in a Seventeen photoshoot with ripped denim and studded leather. Those were the days, an, and I thought they’d go on forever. Except I haven’t seen Shane since 2002 and I’m worried something happened.
5. Hayden Christensen
I’m sure Hayden did movies after Star Wars, but I have absolutely no idea what they were. I used to get him mixed up with Ryan Gosling because I felt like the two of them were equally crushable, but you best believe I’d never make that mistake in 2014. Because how can you be confused about someone’s identity if you never ever see them in anything?
6. Tom Cruise
GUYS. I know he’s still around so you might think he doesn’t count, but HE DOES. There was a time when we all had crushes on Tom Cruise, and it honestly wasn’t that long ago. Think back to an era before Scientology, before Katie Holmes, and before couch-jumping. It’s Tom hovering over the ground in Mission Impossible, and it’s all the the more precious because we can never go back there.
7. Ryan Philippe
Hunktown, population Ryan Philippe. I kind of feel like getting divorced from Reese Witherspoon was the worst move of his career to date, because all of a sudden he had this weirdly rakish reputation for cheating and I couldn’t see him in movies the same way. And not only that, he couldn’t live in my rich fantasy life the same way, because my dream husband would never cheat on me with Abbie Cornish. Just never.
8. Jesse Bradford
If this name isn’t familiar to you — SHAME. Go home and watch Swimfan and Bring It On, and it’ll all come rushing back. That goddamn toothbrush scene with Kirsten Dunst…that was some rich shit. I could not handle that. But where ya been, Jesse? Probably off somewhere getting jowly, so it’s probably best that I remember you in your floppy-haired innocence before all that.
9. Luke Wilson
Anyone who watched Enlightened would have been reminded of their crush on Luke all too vividly, but for most people, Luke is tragically absent from their Hollywood fantasies because he’s just never around. We’re left with Owen, who sure, has the blond hair and the blue eyes, but who was never any match for old Luke. YOU REMEMBER.
10. Tom Welling
You were Superman on Smallville, man! How are you not the most famous person in the world right now? Everyone was obsessed with that show, and everyone was obsessed with HIM. How does a guy with dark hair, piercing blue eyes, and chiseled features seriously not make the leap onto my adult crush list? I don’t get it.
11. Josh Duhamel
He’s probably the most recently- and consistently-working actor on this list, but I can feel him slipping away by the hour. I’m of the opinion that Josh is the most clinically attractive person in Hollywood, though, so any year that goes by without him being in five romantical movies feels like him falling off the map.
12. Jonathan Taylor Thomas
And finally, the most obvious list-member of all. Everyone had a crush on him fifteen years ago, and nobody has a crush on him at this exact moment. How is that possible? What mind-erasing tricks have been used on us? #RIPJTT