Mother’s Day is mere days away and we couldn’t be more excited to celebrate. With other people’s mom. Specifically celebrity moms. In honor of their big day, we’re talking about all the wild and crazy ones who were tamed by their babies.
Let’s be real: in our youth, we all at some point wake up wearing a sombrero next to several stolen garden gnomes with a full-length back tattoo. Right? (Seriously, I need validation or details from someone who was there that night, because the police report offered nothing). Anyway, the point is, we all get those adolescent brain messages that tell us to dye our hair pink, or drink until we’re arguing with a tree. UN Important Person Angelina Jolie has gone through it, even your chino-wearing dentist who scolded you last week for not flossing has gone through it.
Luckily, we snap out of the party lifestyle when we start acquiring responsibilities and having kids (and when we can’t eat Flaming Hot Cheetos without immediate regret). That biological imperative of having to be an adult and keep a child alive will definitely switch your Friday night routine from booty-popping in a club to trying out Pinterest recipes. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, let’s look at the former Hollywood hell-raisers who transformed into Williams-Sonoma-loving adults in one (9-month-long) fell swoop.
I’m proud to say I never watched Jersey Shore. I often use this as a psychological ruse to trick myself into thinking I’m better than others when in fact I have consciously recorded other horrifying shows like Hoarders, and have eaten frosting directly out of the can with no pretense of putting it on something. However, since I didn’t spend 2009 watching tacky bros murder their brains with Jaeger, I’m don’t know much about Snooki. I do know she seemed like that girl we all knew in college who would mix 5 different kinds of alcohol, pick a fight with a bouncer, then finish the night by eating everything in your kitchen that wasn’t a vegetable. (And actually, even that old jar of pickles that was 90% water wasn’t safe from her grips). But Snooki eventually got pregnant and turned her life around. And that fetus must have been made up of an X chromosome, a Y chromosome, NicoDerm, and a kale detox because she hasn’t looked back since.
2. Sienna Miller
In the early 2000s, Sienna had everything: A nauseatingly symmetrical face, Pantene-commercial hair; chic outfits that seemed so effortless that it looked like she got dressed in the middle of an earthquake and threw together a runway-ready outfit from a dish towel and garbage bag. Then Sienna spiraled. There were probably many factors, but I blame her former boyfriend Jude Law. He’s the type of guy you know will cheat on you as soon as you turn away to sneeze for a second, but his charm makes you believe him when he says he’s texting his mom at 2:30 a.m. Thankfully, Sienna swung a 180 and ended up having a child with a low-key actor. The guy looks like the hipster barista at your local coffee shop who rolls his eyes when you order a Gingerbread Latte, but they seem happy.
3. Nicole Richie
Nicole used to be considered more useless than Paris Hilton, and not for nothing. She spawned a fame model that changed society in such a way that Kim Kardashian dying her hair an imperceptibly different caramel hue is now considered BREAKING NEWS. Nicole must have realized she was the patient zero for terrible shows about famous people’s daughters, because she withdrew from the limelight. Then she went through a scary phase where if you had put her in one of those Sally Struthers ‘fund a child’ commercials, I would have been like OMG THOSE HUNGRY 3rd WORLD KIDS NEED ALL MY MONEY AND THIS BURRITO I’M EATING. WHERE’S AN ENVELOPE. Eventually Nicole got pregnant, stopped driving the wrong way down freeways, and even released a fashion line I self-loathing admit to loving. She essentially became a cool hipster mom I want to have brunch with and talk about how we sooo don’t need more mimosas (but we’re totally going to order more mimosas).
4. Drew Barrymore
Drew is basically a sentient Om-patterned shall worn with Birkenstocks. If she weren’t an actress, I’m pretty sure she’d be the lady in your town who owns a crystal shop that doubles as an astrology center who’s always giving you free incense and suggesting you come in Saturday for the “Opening Your Chakras” seminar. Drew wasn’t always a happy hippy though. She forged through the trials of addiction, stage parents, and marrying Tom Green. It’s a miracle she’s not on one of those TMZ lists that are like, “Where are they now? Mock these former stars because they’re unemployed and don’t look 22 anymore!” Instead, Drew worked hard and started a family of old-timey-named children. At 39, she still thrives in an industry where actresses who develop one wrinkle at 29 are relegated to playing the moms of 23-year-olds.
5. Angelina Jolie
Today, Angelina Jolie is a sacred deity children pray to at night to ask for world peace and PlayStation games. But not so back in the day. 12 years ago, she was considered a seductress so powerful, she could seize your man merely by farting in his general direction. Then an adoption changed everything and renovated her image with staggeringly effectiveness. In fact, I think that if her PR team had been hired by Anthony Weiner after his “oops, I showed my penis to every woman with a cell phone” scandal, Weiner would currently be President of the World. Her management is that good. Not that I think Angelina is feigning her desire to give every child in need a badass Mohawk and warm home. I’m just saying, the UN doesn’t usually offer ambassadorship to people who made out with their brothers on TV, so well done.
And that’s the power of motherhood. These moms have risen from the rubble of the past to change their lives (and diapers), so they deserve a salute this week. I’m sure they occasionally miss getting so wasted that they take their heels off in the middle of a 7-11–but hey, that’s what babysitters are for.