(Photo: Steve Searle / WENN.com)
Today is a holiday, y’know, and not the one you’re thinking of. You can have as many Coronas at your desk as you want, but that celebratory guac will turn tasteless in your mouth when I tell you what else today is – Justin Bieber‘s trial date.
You’d be forgiven for asking ‘what for?’ in this context, because Justin’s been getting into quite a bit of trouble as of late. But this particular trial is for the charges of driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license, for that whole drag-racing thing in Miami this past January.
But the fact that it could’ve been a trial on any number of charges on any number of continents got me thinking about this kid. He’s had a pretty busy couple of years on what he refers to as his Believe Tour, but what I’ve lovingly termed his ‘International Offense Tour’, so why not document it?
The United States is already on the map with this DUI charge and the $200,000 in damage from that egging incident, and there are a whole bunch more countries with Bieber beef, so let’s take a look at the wreckage Justin has left in his wake as he’s bratted his way across oceans, through airports, and around laws, with just a quick stop in a brothel for good luck!
Hope you brought your Passport, because we’re gonna be all over the map and in no particular order, okay Carmen Sandiego? Let’s go.
He never got in trouble for it, but Justin certainly raised some Polish eyebrows when he stripped down in Lodz Airport in March 2013 and started wandering around with no shirt on in freezing temperatures. And nope, it wasn’t for a security checkpoint either, as an airport staffer clarified in an interview with someo of my favorite phrasing of all time:
“He wasn’t told to take off his clothes. He had no metal objects on him. He’s quite skinny so I assume he was probably freezing.”
No we didn’t tell him to undress. No of course he doesn’t have any muscles.
In April 2013, Justin made his now-infamous visit to Anne Frank House in The Netherlands, which now functions as a museum-ode to the teenaged Holocaust victim’s final hiding place. Pretty deep, dark stuff. But luckily Justin wasn’t bothered, taking a moment to sign the guestbook and remarking that ‘Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.’ Facepalm.
In May 2013, Justin had the bright idea of trying to sneak his pet monkey Mally through German customs without the proper paperwork. Because when they ask you to take off your shoes and belt and remove any change from your pockets, implicit in that statement is, “You can hold onto your monkey, tho. As long as you don’t tell us about it.”
Miraculously, the customs agents were able to determine with their cutting-edge technology (read: eyeballs) that Justin was secreting a living creature on his person, so Mally the capuchin was confiscated. The country made several requests for his to return and claim his pet or at least to provide funding for her upkeep, but he never responded. And since Justin missed the deadline, Mally was deemed officially abandoned, and turned over into the custody of an animal sanctuary, where she will hopefully live out her days without the fear of having tattoo art practiced on her.
In yet another airport caper in May 2013, Justin got in trouble at Istanbul’s Istanbul’s Sabiha Gökçen Airport when he and his friends ran through the Passport-processing area without…getting their Passports processed. Kind of a no-no for us normals, but I guess Bieber figured he could breeze right through.
Apparently he and the rest of his entourage went straight to their cars after landing, and airport officials had to pursue them on foot until they were able to catch up to them and do the security check outside. Guarantee that if anyone else had gone running through a checkpoint at an international airport, they would’ve been tased, but of course Bieber just had to have security come to him.
Justin started things off with a (very confusing) bang in South America in October 2013, when he spray-painted the phrase ‘Free Breezy’ on a wall in Colombia. He wasn’t specifically breaking any laws, other than the moral ones that instruct most of us not to demand the freedom of an admitted abuser like Chris Brown, because as it turns out, graffiti is technically legal in that country. As soon as Justin left, however, the native graffiti artists there started a protest against the government, because any time they’d tried to exercise their artistic freedoms in the past, they’d been arrested, beaten, and in one notable case, shot and killed.
But yeah Biebs, if you feel like you want to do graffiti today, just jump right on into a volatile political situation like that. Don’t you worry about a thing, because your needs come first, okay buddy?
Just two stops into the South American leg of his tour in November 2013, Justin was apparently already pretty tuckered out, because he decided to kick back hardcore. And what better way to kick back than by visiting a Brazilian brothel, taking the world’s most famous nap in front of an alleged-prostitute, and wrapping it all up (pun intended) with more graffiti?
It’s nice that Justin was finding solace in art or whatever, but as it turns out, graffiti is a little more illegal in Brazil than it is in Colombia, and Justin was hit with a vandalism charge and a fine. WHOOPS.
In November 2013, Justin got himself a little double-whammy in Argentina. Not only was he kicked out of his hotel when his fans stormed the grounds trying to meet him, but he also gave offense to pretty much the entire country when he kicked their flag along the ground and off the stage during a performance. Maybe you weren’t aware of it, because most countries love it when their flags touch the ground or are disrespected by the feet of a teenage billionaire, but — OH WAIT JUST KIDDING NOBODY LIKES THAT.
Even though he was reportedly searched for drugs in the Brisbane airport in December 2013, authorities didn’t find anything, and Justin wasn’t charged. But the real reason Australia is on this list is because they deserve our undying respect, for being one of the first continents to see through Bieber’s bratty ways.
While all that nonsense was going down in South America (see above), ticket sales for Justin’s Australian concert dates started to lag, and previously-sold tickets even began appearing online, as attempts at resale were made. And not by scalpers, either! People reported seeing tickets being offered at less than half price, and some that didn’t have even a single bid. Welcome to the ball game, Ozzies. We’re glad to have you.
Justin can’t even hold it together in his home country, apparently, because he was arrested for the December 2013 assault of a limo driver in Toronto. Apparently this driver picked up a group of six people outside a night club, and an altercation started somehow.
It’s not clear exactly who was involved or how specifically Bieber figures in, but during the altercation, someone hit the driver in the head multiple times, and even though the driver stopped to call the police, the perpetrator and the rest of the group fled the scene before police arrived.
Regardless of how and if he was directly involved, Justin was called in for questioning, so nice to know he’s great at picking friends and cohorts as well as getting into trouble himself!
In April 2014, Justin posed in front of an extremely controversial building in Tokyo known as the Yasukuni Shrine. It’s a beautiful structure, aside from the fact that it houses the remains of over a thousand war criminals, convicted of heinous acts of torture and unbelievable atrocities, most specifically against POWs during World War II, and Chinese citizens during the Nanking Massacre, also known as the Rape Of Nanking.
But Bieber didn’t know all that! All he knew was that it was a shiny building and that he wanted to pose in front of it and put the picture on Instagram! So he did, although he later deleted it and posted the following half-assed apology to his fans:
“While in Japan I asked my driver to pull over for which I saw a beautiful shrine. I was mislead to think the Shrines were only a place of prayer. To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan”
I didn’t know okay I didn’t know!!!!
Um, yeah. See above.
And thus we come to the end of of our international tour — at least so far. Stay tuned for added dates in the event that these ones sell out!