• Mon, Apr 21 - 9:54 am ET

Jon Hamm Would Do Anything To Get Us To Shut Up About His Penis…Except Wear Underwear, Apparently

Jon Hamm attending premiere party for Mad Men season seven April 2014

I have a mystery I need solved, and it has to do withΒ Jon Hamm‘s penis. There are two conflicting points of view: we doΒ like talking about it, andΒ Jon doesn’t like us talking about it. Which is honestly a perfectly acceptable reaction to have when discussion of your genitalia is so rampant, but stay with me here.

The reason we talk about it is that we can see it…pretty much at all times. Approximately 100% of the times that you have an unobstructed view of Jon’s crotchal view, said view also contains a through-pants rendering of his penis in precise anatomical detail. This is unique to Jon Hamm, which is why we discuss it. I have plenty of male friends whose undercarriage I couldn’t sketch, mostly because I’ve never been able to make eye contact with it through layers of clothing. SO WHY CAN I SEE YOURS ALWAYS. Is it honestly so large that there isn’t some sort of…basket contraption that can contain it? What is happening down there and how has it been happeningΒ for two and a half years?

Anyway. We all have our thoughts on the matter, and here are some of Jon’s, posed to Men’s Fitness in a recent interview:

“Would you want people walking up to you and pointing at your dick…? I can’t believe I’m still talking about this…The fact that I’m painted as this exhibitionist is a little annoying.Β It’s become a meme.Β Being someone who people want to photograph, you have to open yourself up to the positive and negative. It is what it is. If I get mad at it I’ll look like a douchebag. But it’s silly.”

I can’t believe we’re still talking about it either! Mostly because if there wasΒ one photo of me sporting an especially pronounced camel toe, I’d spend the rest of my life strapping those labies down like you wouldn’t believe.

(Photo: Apega / WENN.com)

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  • Kaitlin Reilly

    Do people seriously walk up to Jon Hamm, point to his penis, and walk away? Because that’s a weird reaction to seeing him.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hopefully accompanied by shouting, “PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!”

  • J_Doe5686

    Well, I can do the female version of the “stare”. I’d sit & stare at the hammaconda while I talk to him. But my advice to him is to strap it to a leg or something.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hammaconda. Brilliant.

  • Olivia Wilson

    Labies. LABIES. Please, someone contact The OED immediately. I have a brand new entry for them.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hahaha. A combo between labes and ladies. Thank you for noticing.

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  • crawdadjenny

    Jon Hamm has a penis. He’s not letting it flop out under short-shorts at a children’s playground. He’s walking around wearing normal everyday clothes. There’s nothing for him to be ashamed of and nothing for everyone to make a fuss over, either. It’s a penis, lots of people have them. Why should he “contain” it?
    I feel sad that you wrote “Mostly because if there was one photo of me sporting an
    especially pronounced camel toe, I’d spend the rest of my life strapping
    those labies down like you wouldn’t believe”…
    Why are you ashamed? Think about how sad it is that you would actually cause yourself physical pain for that. What a horrible thing to tell yourself.

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