• Fri, Apr 18 - 1:52 pm ET

Transcendence: An Overly Complicated Science-y Movie About Johnny Depp Catfishing A Sad Lady

kate mara blonde hair paul bettany transcendence

(NYDN)

Then Sad Eyes Ev runs off with Will, who you should know is now just a hologram head on her iPad. So henceforth he should be known as The Hologram Head Husband. The Hologram Head Husband hacks the entire internet, gets Sad Eyes Ev all the money she’ll ever need and then helps her to build a state of the art underground facility to advance computer science. No one questions the fact that a wealthy woman with sad eyes chose to build a huge underground facility in the middle of Bumblefuck, America. Seriously, it raises NO red flags for anyone. Not in the local paper nor in the science community. Everyone just goes about their lives, ignoring the fact that there’s a giant solar power field emerging from the ground.

Fast forward two years and Sad Eyes Ev and her Hologram Head Husband are living blissfully in their underground paradise. By day they’re making mindblowing technological advances and by night they’re having weird Skype dates either each other. But, just like Paul Bettany predicted, Hologram Head Husband gets drunk with his unlimited powers and starts implanting computer chips in people’s heads. How? Um, nanotechnology, duh! (Please refer to the time I asked you to stop asking questions about the science in this movie.) The only people monitoring this amazing development are Kate Mara and her rag tag group of do-gooder terrorists. After spying on Sad Eyes Ev and Hologram Head Husband for two years, they finally get video evidence that there are major science shenanigans going on underground. Such as people being implanted with computer chips and suddenly getting superhuman strength. Also did I mention Hologram Head Husband can now access the body of anyone with an implanted computer chip. It’s super neato!

“Do you think they’ll care now?” Kate Mara asks in the same way she asks every question in every thing she’s ever acted in in her life. Which is in a deadpan voice that elicits no emotion.

“YES!” I screamed at the screen, “I think the FBI would’ve cared two years ago when a Hologram Head Husband hacked into the back end of the Internet and started making insane scientific advances.”

But alas, I’m wrong. The FBI’s only vaguely intrigued by the fact that there’s a Hologram Head Husband implanting computer chips in people’s brains. Intrigued just enough to send one whole FBI agent to Bumblefuck to investigate. The FBI agent is not happy with what he sees when he gets there. This Hologram Head Husband has figured out to control the weather. (Again, I’ll ask you to refer to the time I recommended you not to question any of the science in this movie.) He enlists Paul Bettany and Morgan Freeman to help figure out how to shut the Hologram Head Husband down.

Naturally they determine that the only way to stop the Hologram Head Husband is to shut off the internet. ALL OF THE INTERNET. There is actually a line in this movie where a human being says, “we have to shut down the internet” with a straight face. They also place a quick call to Nev Schulman and tip him off about the fact that Sad Eyes is being catfished by a maniacal Hologram Head claiming to be her husband. “It’s not Will,” they keep telling Sad Eyes during their intervention. And she keeps being like, “umm, yeah it is. Don’t you think I would recognize my own husband in hologram form?” With the exception of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail, it’s the most twisted online relationship to ever be filmed.

But back to the action. And ooo boy is there action! Also random things being blown up because why not spend MORE money on this travesty of a movie. The FBI agent, Morgan and Paul shut the Internet down and effectively kill the Hologram Head Husband. They also destroy humanity because the internet is off now, everywhere. The movie ends a few years in the future with Paul Bettany walking around the set of Revolution, tripping over people who now live in the middle of the street, just reminiscing about the time when the Internet existed and technology was still a thing. He walks into the Caster’s abandoned house (because I guess people don’t even remember how to use houses without the Internet?!) and sets up the movie for a sequel.

So in conclusion, technology was a good thing that people needed? Also a horrible thing? Also WHAT WAS THIS MOVIE?! And most importantly, how did Johnny Depp manage to find a movie that he could do from the comfort of his couch? “Hello agent, this is Depp here, I’m looking for a role that literally only involves my head, you got anything for me? Oh you do, it’s a computer movie? Great, make sure Morgan Freeman and that chap from Wimbledon signs on and I’m in!”

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Dumber than Forever Love, or whatever it was called???

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      ENDLESS LOVE.

    • Jenni

      Endless.

  • Vera

    So not a movie worth bleaching your hair for? *looks up at the Kate Mara pic and tut-tuts*

    • Jenni

      There was no reason that she had to have Draco Malfoy hair in this movie.

  • Karen M.

    wait I thought this movie was an adaptation of drake’s sprite commercial? the trailer is so misleading…. http://motionographer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/sprite1.jpg

  • eworld

    Apparently most of the bad reviews about this movie was because those so called “reviewers” never really understood the plot, as evidenced by all the wrong conclusions in this article. Well such things had happened in the past. Personally I think this movie might get a cult following in the future when more people actually understand it.