• Fri, Apr 18 - 1:52 pm ET

Transcendence: An Overly Complicated Science-y Movie About Johnny Depp Catfishing A Sad Lady

transcendence movie poster johnny depp

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Transcendence single-handedly sets science back approximately four hundred years. So naturally I’m obsessed with it. If you’ve read any of my recent reviews, you already know I love bad movies. Maybe even more than I love good movies. There’s just something so incredible about sitting in a theater and watching complete and utter nonsense on the big screen. With all the incredible creative minds in the world, I’m constantly amazed at how much money Hollywood spends to make absolute garbage.

Unless you like setting fire to your money, you should not see this film. You should however know what happens in it. Why? Because it’s the dumbest movie I’ve seen in a long time and I want to share that dumbness with others. So here goes…

Will Caster (Johnny Depp) and Evelyn Caster (Rebecca Hall) are brilliant computer scientists. They’re also a married couple who are head over heels in love with each other. (It’s also important to note that Evelyn has very sad eyes for 99% of the movie. So going forward, she will be referred to Sad Eyes Ev.) In most movies being in love is a good thing. In this movie, it is a bad thing, a very, very bad thing. But we’ll get to that in a second. First let me set the scene. Will and his buddies Morgan Freeman and Paul Bettany are working on creating artificial intelligence with a soul. Which is cool. I also saw Jude Law Sex Robot in A.I Artificial Intelligence back in 2001, so I get why someone would be interested in making that a reality. Unfortunately Kate Mara and her terrorist friends think artificial intelligence will lead to the world ending because they’ve studied this stuff and have seen how quickly it can go wrong So they come up with a really good plan to make sure it never gets off the ground.

And by really good, I mean illegal and unnecessary. Despite having incredibly powerful anecdotal evidence for why we shouldn’t pursue artificial intelligence, they choose not to go to the media with it. Even though the media would eat this shit up. I mean, we’re talking about monkeys screaming endlessly because they’re in so much pain from the testing. Show me an animal in pain and I’ll show a story that Upworthy will post immediately and get spammed on newsfeeds across America. But no, they instead choose to just start blowing up scientists working on the technology. Which is the equivalent of killing a fast food worker at a drive-thru to protest childhood obesity. Sure it makes headlines, but it has absolutely no impact. Also it makes you a murderer.

Part of their plan involves shooting Will and killing him. Luckily before he dies, Sad Eyes Ev uploads his conscience to a computer. Which means that even though his body is gone, his mind lives on. How does this work? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. Because the second you start asking them in this movie, you won’t be able to stop. Just go with the very advanced science and pretend like it’s at all possible. Paul Bettany warns Sad Eyes Ev that this won’t end well. But she’s in love goddammit and she’s not going to listen to anyone. So she goes ahead and uploads Will to the Internet and does everything he tells her to do. Paul’s like, “seriously Sad Eyes, that’s not Will giving you these insane instructions. This is a computer monster who is capable of destroying everything.” And Sad Eyes is like, “seriously Paul Bettany, how did you get stuck in this movie? Escape while you can and take ole Morgan Freeman with you. I would say grab Johnny while you’re at it, but he’s filming this entire movie from his couch, so leave him be.”

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Dumber than Forever Love, or whatever it was called???

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      ENDLESS LOVE.

    • Jenni

      Endless.

  • Vera

    So not a movie worth bleaching your hair for? *looks up at the Kate Mara pic and tut-tuts*

    • Jenni

      There was no reason that she had to have Draco Malfoy hair in this movie.

  • Karen M.

    wait I thought this movie was an adaptation of drake’s sprite commercial? the trailer is so misleading…. http://motionographer.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/sprite1.jpg

  • eworld

    Apparently most of the bad reviews about this movie was because those so called “reviewers” never really understood the plot, as evidenced by all the wrong conclusions in this article. Well such things had happened in the past. Personally I think this movie might get a cult following in the future when more people actually understand it.