More than I hate the fact that Scandal’s devolved into a horribly convoluted and confusing secret spy show about god knows what, I hate Fitz. Oh I’m sorry, I mean President Fitz. I would certainly hate to disrespect him by not referring to him as the President. After all, he does remind us every, single, episode that he’s the most powerful man in the world. You know, on the slight chance that we forgot why he’s allowed to sit in the Oval Office all day, every day.
After watching last week’s tie-inspired temper tantrum with Mellie, I suddenly realized who Fitz reminded me of, and spoiler alert, it’s not George Washington or Abraham Lincoln or even that schmuck, James K. Polk. Nope, it’s Justin Bieber. In fact, he reminds me so much of the Biebs that I started to wonder if the two of them were in fact the same person. Or at least played by the same person, Parent Trap style. And the more I wondered, the more I realized I might just be right.
So with no further ado, I give you 9 signs that Justin Bieber and President Fitz are the same person.
1. They’re both overgrown babies prone to throwing temper tantrums
Sure Fitz doesn’t walk around in Bieber’s signature “room for diaper(s)” pants, but we can’t rule out the fact that he probably wears diapers. Seriously, can’t you see him whining about not being allowed to sex Liv while Cyrus changes his diaper on top of the Oval Office desk. Then can’t you see Cyrus giving him a bottle of warm milk and telling him everything’s going to be okay. (And then Cyrus leaving to go blackmail and/or murder whoever he needs to for everything to be okay.)
2. They both make romantic gestures at wildly inappropriate times
Bieber felt the need to declare his love for his on-again-off-again Selena Gomez on Instagram by awkwardly reposting someone else’s photo and calling her an elegant princess. And Fitz felt the needs to declare his love for Liv when he was married. To SOMEONE ELSE. WHO HAS DONE NOTHING BUT SUPPORT HIS CAREER. I really can’t think of a time more inappropriate than that to make a romantic gesture.
3. They both think the world revolves around them
May I direct you to the time Justin Bieber peed in a restaurant mop bucket and expected the staff to be overjoyed? Then may I direct you to President Fitz’s behavior during every single episode of season three? Hey dudes, bad news, you’re not the sun. [insert the buuurrrnnnn noise right here.]
4. They both surround themselves by people who help convince them them that the world does indeed revolve around them.
Justin Bieber somehow found and retained human beings who didn’t not think it was at all beneath them to carry him up the Great Wall of China. And Fitz has a team of “heck yeah, we’ll rig a national election for you” cheerleaders, led by Cyrus, the great and maniacal Wizard of The White House. Why would we ever expect them to behave like adults when they’re surrounded by people like that?
5. They both have bad dads
Justin Bieber’s dad just emerged from nowhere and seems to be his son’s new favorite enabler. And well, we all know what Fitz’s dad did to Mellie. Also to Fitz’s self-esteem. Overall, they could both use a little R&R with a qualified therapist who specializes in daddy issues.
6. They both like breaking up and getting back together with their girlfriends when it’s clearly not good for anyone
Dear Selena and Olivia,
Stop picking up their calls. It’s never going to get better. Ever. Seriously, look at them. Have they in any way improved since the last time? Exactly. Stop.
7. They both blame everyone else for their failings
Anyone else want to punch their TV when Fitz blamed Mellie for his affair. How about wanting to punch your computer during Justin Bieber’s deposition? Yeah? Cool, me too.
8. They both buy things they don’t need and can’t take care of
Um, Fitz did not need that Vermont Barbie Dream House and Justin Bieber did not that monkey. Or that other monkey. Just because you can buy something, doesn’t mean you should. So boys, leave your complaints about your purchases going to waste at the door. Or in Justin Bieber’s case, Germany.
9. They’re never in the same place at the same time
As if I need to elaborate on this one.