Has anyone else become sort of disillusioned with Ariana Grande lately? When I first heard about her, all I knew was that she had an incredible singing voice and catchy songs, starred on a Nickelodeon show I’d never watched, was super pretty, and had a funky sense of style. Aaaand then I started to read and watch interviews with her, and things got weird. She says some strange, confusing, whatcha-gettin-at-there-Ariana type things. The alleged cheating and the collaboration with Chris Brown (which ended up not actually happening) didn’t help.
It’s sort of like how everyone laid eyes on Ryan Lochte and screamed, “Abs!!! He must be my husband immediately!!!” And then he started talking and showing just how few brain cells he has and everyone simmered down and pretended they were never attracted to him. It just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover… or its Mariah Carey-esque singing voice. Ariana’s young, so I guess can cut her some slack, although I’m frankly tired of slack-cutting. That still doesn’t mean I’m not gonna outline a few of the weirdest things she’s said. In the words of the Dixie Chicks’ conservative haters, shut up and sing.
1. When she tweeted she had a bone removed from her head.
“I just had a bone taken out of my skull how’s ur day.”
Ariana tweeted this yesterday, and it kinda sorta sounded like something her fans should be concerned about, since having bones removed from your skull doesn’t sound like great news. But turns out it was just a wisdom tooth extraction. Perhaps laughing gas was involved in this one.
2. When she talked about cow tits.
“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk with nutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”
I… don’t think that’s how health works. I’m certainly no doctor, but neither is Ariana. I also don’t think “cow tit pus” is a technical term, but what do I know? This was for an interview where she stripped down to a strange set of undies to add to the weirdness.
3. When she referred to music as her “dharma” in the same interview.
“Music is my dharma. It’s what makes my heart smile and what I feel like I am meant to do. I understand music more than I understand human beings and the English language.”
Yeah, that seems very apparent, which is why you should probably focus more on the music and less on the talking. I hate to be all judgey (except I totally don’t), but people who talk like this are going to end up being responsible for my eyes permanently rolling into the back of my head. And then they’re going to get a strongly worded letter.
4. When she got weirdly defensive about her ponytail.
“So as annoying as it is for y’all to have to look at the same hairstyle all the time, it’s all that works for now (AND I’m comfortable for the first time in years)…So PLEASE gimmie a break about the hair (or just don’t look at me lol). IT’S JUST HAIR AFTER ALL. There are way way way more important things.”
Ariana Grande’s ever-present ponytail will no doubt mystify the world for decades to come. She wears it all the time, and when she actually posted a photo of herself with her hair down, she subsequently deleted it. So she explained that bleach and hair dye for Victorious destroyed her hair and she had to get extensions and doesn’t like the way it looks down. Okay, no need to get touchy. We just wanted to know what you’re hiding in there.
5. When she tried to defend Justin Bieber, but it didn’t really work.
“He can do whatever he wants! He’s doing the same thing as every other boy in the world right now, he’s just under a microscope, and he’s being scrutinized by people who don’t know him. I know him, and he’s a good person. He really is, he’s a nice person. And everybody’s like, ugh, it’s, nevermind, but, it’s, he’s a good guy and he doesn’t deserve what he’s going through.”
Not only is Justin not doing the same thing as every other boy in the world (partly because he isn’t a boy), but Ariana couldn’t even complete her defense of him, because it’s just that fruitless.
6. When she said she doesn’t even like acting.
“I never liked acting. I auditioned for TV just to get a platform to get a record deal and then I fell in love with acting because it was fun. After I’m done playing Cat Valentine I don’t see myself doing much acting, but I would do a scary movie or a musical.”
Okay, so you don’t like acting except that you do, but you don’t ever want to do it again? Huh? Acting did help you get a record deal, Ariana. That’s the exact reason you shouldn’t be telling us that you don’t like it, even if it is true.
7. When she said she’s Kabbalah.
“It is the practice of being a good person and how that will manifest good things in your life. People don’t really realize that if you are kind you can make all sorts of things happen for you.”
You know, that trendy religion every celebrity in the early-2000s subscribed to for like five minutes and then everyone forgot about. Well apparently Ariana wants to bring it back into style… before she inevitably gets sick of it and we never hear about it again. But good to know that in order to be kind you have to practice Kabbalah.
8. When she said she gets her clothes from sex shops.
“Brigitte, my stylist, always turns up with her arms full of cool outfits; I don’t even know where she gets them from. Once, we were shopping for Halloween costumes with a friend of mine and we accidentally ended up in a sex shop. The girl who was working there was like, ‘Oh, I make your costumes!’ I was like, ‘What?’ and she said, ‘Yes, this is where Brigitte gets your outfits from!’”
I just… what is this girl’s life?! I cannot get over her insistence that she “accidentally” ended up in a sex shop. Suuure, just like I “accidentally” ate that entire family-size bag of potato chips the other day.