So if you live in one of the very few locations in which it’s playing, Only Lovers Left Alive is opening this weekend. What is it, you ask? Why just your average vampire movie starring Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston as the romantic leads. NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.
Except that’s extremely out of the ordinary, and we all know it. No matter how their chemistry is in the movie, that’s one of the least-believable couples I’ve ever heard of, and I don’t care who knows it.
But since we’re talking about oddly matched movie couples, why not talk about a few more? Because there are some real gems out there.
1. Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel, Sex Tape
Best friends from college? Maybe. People who have ever or will ever or would ever be together romantically long term? Absolutely not.
2. Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez, The Fast And The Furious
I see your lips touching, but I don’t know that we can call that making out.
3. Julia Roberts and Nick Nolte, I Love Trouble
These two star as rival detectives, but the real mystery is how they came to be paired opposite each other. Nick’s twenty-five years older than Julia, after all.
4. Woody Allen and Mira Sorvino, Mighty Aphrodite
Sorry, no time to talk. Gotta go finish vomiting in my mouth.
5. Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf, Transformers
Sorry, but let’s not pretend that Megan was in this movie for any reason other than to give teenage boys hope that one day they could swap spit with someone that beautiful. If Shia can do it, anyone can.
6. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, Gigli
The fact that this union somehow took place in real life as well doesn’t make it any more plausible.
7. Kevin James and Rosario Dawson, Zookeeper
Is everyone else in the world seeing a different version of Kevin James than I am? How is he pulling these dime pieces?
8. Claire Danes and Steve Martin, Shopgirl
I get that this was intentional juxtaposition to make Jason Schwartzman look better, but still. C’mon.
9. Lily Tomlin and John Travolta, Moment By Moment
Nope. Can’t do it. Can’t even imagine it happening, make it stop.
10. Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, Just Go With It
Of all Adam’s egregious pairings, I’d say this one is the worst. And that’s saying a lot for someone who’s been paired with Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale, and many many many many more ladies with whom he couldn’t rustle up even a spark.
11. Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel, The Happening
WHAT IS THIS HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS. Honestly never heard of a weirder pairing in my life.
12. Ashley Judd and Dwayne Johnson, The Toothfairy
Fairly confident she could fit in his pocket.
13. Christian Bale and Katie Holmes, Batman Begins
And finally, such a poor match that Katie actually had to be replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal in the next film. Them’s the breaks!