I love TV. I love it so much that I found a way to make watching it part of my job. So I completely understand being obsessed with a TV show. I also understand wanting to watch a plot unfold without knowing what will happen next. I can count at least 16 times I thought I was having a suspense-induced heart attack while watching something. I can count at least 15 times that the heart attack turned out to be heart burn and I remembered why I stopped having good-job-getting-halfway-through-the-week-french-fry-eating contests with myself.
I also assure you there have been many times when I couldn’t watch a show live and I stressed about staying spoiler-free until I had a chance to watch it. But with that said, I don’t understand people who scream about spoilers being revealed in articles about shows they know they’re behind on. Time and time again, we’ve had readers react with threats to the fact that we spoiled a show for them. Just up and ruined it for them FOREVER. (As if we’re that powerful here at Crushable.com/professionalliferuiners4hire)
So rather than rant all the live long day about people who complain about spoilers, I put together a simple user’s guide to avoiding them.
Option One: Watch every episode the second it airs
If you watch every episode as soon as it airs, it’s almost impossible to be spoiled. Not only will you live a spoiler-free/stress-free life, but you’ll be able to join in on exciting conversations the second they start happening. There’s nothing more exciting than seeing a Twitter hashtag and knowing what it’s about.
Option Two: Avoid the internet until you watch the episode
So you have a “life” and can’t watch every single episode the second it airs. Finnnneeeee, I suppose that’s the case for some (or everyone who’s anyone on Sundays). It sucks, but you’re going to have to avoid the internet until you watch it. Especially if it’s a huge episode that everyone’s talking about. Such as last week’s shocking (and I do mean SHOCKING) episode of The Good Wife. Addicted to the internet? Well that brings me to Option 2.5: throw out your computer. Don’t buy a new one until you catch up on the show. Can’t afford option 2.5? Well let me recommend that you go with Option One then.
Option Three: Don’t click on ANY articles that have the show’s name in the title
Apparently some people need to go on the internet for non-television-related reasons. Sure, I’ll buy that, for now. But seriously, don’t ever assume that a site will say spoiler alert before spoiling a show for you. I know, I know, in a perfect world every site will have pop-ups that say “WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! TURN BACK NOW! THERE’S STILL TIME! NOT A LOT! BUT SOME! HURRRRYYYYYY” But we don’t live in an ideal world. We live in one where everyone you love gets killed on The Game of Thrones. Sorry not sorry for that spoiler.
Option Four: Stop watching TV
You can’t be spoiled if you don’t even know what is on TV to be spoiled. I would say take up reading, but that potentially involves spoilers too. So how about knitting? Tindering? Going undercover Sister Mary Clarence style?
Option Five: Remove your eyeballs
Look, I get it. You can’t help but go on the internet and click on stories about shows you watch. But if that’s the case, it’s time to remove your eyeballs, just pop those little sight marbles out of your head and store them in a safe place until you’re all caught up. May I recommend a creatively decorated mason jar a la Pinterest?
Option Six: Go back in time and watch the episode
Yes, time travel might be expensive. And yes, it might currently be “non-existent,” but don’t let that stop you from going back in time and watching the episode live. A true TV fan will do whatever it takes to be caught up on a show.
Option Seven: Unlearn how to read
It’s as easy as ajsf9aawl kfaioerwaohfis, you know?