• Thu, Apr 3 - 4:57 pm ET

The Top Ten Responses You’ll Have To The News That Dave Letterman Is Retiring

Mindy Kaling David Letterman 1-10-14

In news that you didn’t see coming because Dave Letterman rarely crosses your millennial mind, you should know he’s retiring in 2015. I would say he just announced it, but that would be a lie. Because strangely enough, Mike Mills from REM broke it via Twitter. Why? And what? And who? (Yes, like you, I couldn’t name anyone from REM until a minute ago.)

In honor of this retirement news, I present to you the top ten things going through your head right now:

10. Oh weird, I didn’t know he still had a show. Good for him!

9. OMG, remember that time he cheated on his wife with his own show employees?! And more importantly, remember that time Kerry Washington called him out on it ON HIS SHOW?

8.  Okay. Sure. That’s a thing that’s happening. In other news, who will die in the season premiere of Game of Thrones.

7. Does this mean we can finally stop talking about his feud with Jay Leno? You know the feud I’m talking about right? It started in approximately 1862 when Dave Letterman insulted Jay Leno’s pantaloons and Jay Leno responded by calling him a dirty scoundrel.

6. I’m still stuck on the fact that Mike Mills broke the news.

5. Also that REM still makes music?

4. There was a guy on late night who wasn’t named Jimmy? How progressive!

3. I’m hungry. Did I eat lunch today? You know what, I don’t think I did. And even I did, there’s nothing wrong with eating two lunches.

2. So he really made one of these Top Ten lists every day, how about that!

1. Did you want to call Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and let them know there’s room for their late night show now or should I?

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