A Non-Virgin’s Guide To Understanding The Duggar Family

The Duggar Family season 8 19 kids and counting

The eighth season of 19 Kids and Counting premieres on TLC tonight 9 PM EST/8 PM Heaven. That’s right, the EIGHTH season. While you were out sinnin’ and sexin’ and sextin’, the Duggar Family somehow squeezed out eight seasons of their show. Which proves there isn’t a God. Or if there is one, he enjoys destroying The Learning Channel’s reputation just as much as the next trashy reality show producer. (Can I get a WHAT UP from the people who invented Toddlers & Tiaras?)

While I majored in The Duggar Family and minored in slut shaming my daughters, it’s come to my attention that not everyone knows as much about this family as I do. In fact, I’m learning (channel) that no one does. So as a favor to you and as a favor to any future conversation we may have, I’d like to go over some Duggar basics.

Who Are The Duggars?

They’re a religious family raising 19 kids in Arkansas.

Duh, I saw that in the title! Why do they have a show?

Because it’s inspiring to see Jim Bob Duggar and Michelle Duggar attempt to raise 19 children without any help. Not even during the school hours! Because, get this, they homeschool all their kids.

C’mon, no one watches reality TV shows because they’re inspiring. TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Okay fiinnnee. They’re VERY religious. Like ladies-must-wear-long-skirts religious. So you have some people watching who do genuinely like seeing how they handle all those kids. Then you have other people watching because it’s basically a free ride on the WTF Express. (First stop: the 1950s!)

Hey now, there’s nothing wrong with being religious. Why are you a judgmental ass?

Because they’re extremely judgmental toward people who don’t choose to raise their children the same way. Not only do they use their TV show as a platform for raising their children like prude little pilgrims, but they also try to influence our laws. Josh Duggar, their oldest son, currently works for The Family Research Council in Washington D.C. Which isn’t as much about families as it is about being pro-birth and anti-gay.

Wait, their son’s name is Josh? So that rumor about all the kids having J names is true?

Hmmm, let’s see. Their names are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger (I know, I know), Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, Josie. So yeah, that rumor is true.

Okay, fine, plenty of families work around one letter. But why did they go with Jinger BEFORE Jennifer?

This is what happens when you don’t know how to google “J names.”

So I’m kinda into dating one of their 400 children at some point in my life, anything I should know?

Oh just that they believe in old-fashioned courting. You know, the kind of courting where your parents get really involved. Some might say too involved.

Who would say that?

Probably anyone who’s ever had a desire to actually get to know a person before marrying them.

Well I’m sure their parents give them some privacy, when else would they k*ss?

K*ss? This family doesn’t even believe in full frontal hugs before marriage.

That makes no sense. What’s the point of being so involved in raising your children if you don’t trust them to be alone when they’re adults?

Because we all know that kissing leads to fondling which leads to sexing which leads to pregnancy which leads to Teen Mom offering your kid more money than TLC which leads to losing one of your 19 kids to another network which leads to changing the title of the show which leads you straight to Hell. 

But I thought they loved babies and were like super into women having them?

No you’re thinking of fetuses! They can’t get enough of those of those buggers. They’re like obsessed with fetuses. One time a fetus punched Jim Bob in the face and he allegedly said, “it was awesome.”

Is it true they’ve done nothing to actually lower the abortion rate besides pretend that God writes blank checks to single moms?

If you call comparing abortion to the Holocaust nothing, then sure, they’ve done “nothing.”

Anything else I should know about them? Like tell me something nice or sweet or romantic! Something that will make me feel warm and fuzzy inside!

Oh I have just the thing! One time Michelle Duggar told people that the secret to a happy marriage is having sex with your husband whenever he wants to have it. Which is like totes awwwdorable.

(Photo: TLC)

Share This Post:
    • Jill O’Rourke

      Every time I read the name Jinger I laugh.

    • Kaitlin Reilly

      Please tell me that “full frontal hugs” is a real phrase that they have used. Love it.

    • CMJ

      Okay – I have never watched the show….is Jinger pronounced like “Ginger?”

    • Erin

      This is awesome. And seriously….Jinger??

    • arielmarie

      Don’t diss on Jinger. :) I have high hopes for her being one that breaks out.

    • Katy Hearne

      His name is Jim Bob?

      • Jenni

        Yep. Because life is stranger (or jtranger) than anything we could ever write.

    • Katie

      I am sad for the person who wrote this. The Duggars appear happy, well adjusted, loved and respected. The author of this seems bitter, angry and insecure. Who would you rather be?

      • Jenni

        The author, but I’m very biased.

      • 0katykate0

        My cousins are raised this way. I have 8 cousins just from one aunt and uncle… They do a great job of making life seem like a sickeningly sweet pilgrim episode of the Brady bunch but they believe in corpril punishment, sexism, and are the most judgemental pieces of crap. My cousins actually know the duggars because they to to the same homeschool functions. Trust me when I say this is no way for a child to grow up. Espically if he/she is gay. Which my eldest cousin is dealing with.

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    • Reese

      I really regret all that time I’ve wasted sinnin’ and sexin’ and sextin’! I could learn so much from these people.

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    • Christi Moncrief Baldridge

      You’re talking about the Duggars being judgemental?? What the HELL is this whole article doing? Being judgemental. But Liberals never see that. I’m not uber religious. I don’t even go to church but I do believe in God. I believe there’s a Heaven and Hell. But let me inform u of some things it seems the writer of this article and many of the posters fail to realize
      1. They ARE NOT judgemental. They will tell u..u live your life..th you live theirs. If somehow they happens to lead someone to Christ through their TV show then all the better.
      2. They are debt free. They decided when they first married that if they couldn’t pay cash for an item then they didn’t need it. They own several real estate properties that provide income for the family as well we being licensed in real estate and having owned some businesses previously.
      3. They CHOOSE to wear dresses. It’s not FORCED. Every daughter is given the choice..and every daughter has made the choice to dress modestly and show that she has modesty about her body and chooses to dress appropriately. Not go around looking like a stripper. This is TH RE I choice.
      4. They believe that every child is a gift from God and choose to not use birth control..just like Catholics don’t practice birth control. I don’t see any of u bashing Catholics though. They are more than able to support themselves and do not rely on the gov..like so many do, to help support their family.
      5. They home school their kids because the public school system SUCKS. It’s all about standardized testing. Not learning about history, science, math, reading and writing. Home schooled kids are 10x smarter than those taught at home. I went to public schools. And I believe and stand behind that comment I just made.
      6. Their kids are well behaved in public. If they are in church or somewhere in public and one of their kids has a meltdown, they take them elsewhere to calm them down. Not leaving it a public spectacle as most do.
      7. They just happen to have a TV show..just like Honey Boo boo. If u don’t like it..don’t watch it. If u don’t agree with their beliefs..don’t watch it. The courting rituals they go thru is meant to protect their children from being hurt emotionally as well as physically. It’s not arranged marriages. It’s to help their children mature and learn and grow…to be with someone with similar interests and beliefs. They choose to not give away their hearts to every person who comes along…they save their first kiss for their wedding day. The time spent courting gives them time to KNOW each other on a spiritual level. It prevents broken hearts..broken marriages, drama all over Facebook and taking each other to court fighting for custody.
      So again..If you don’t like the show..simply don’t watch it. Ive watched the show since it used to be a TLC special every now and then. Back when Michelle was about to have her 13th or 14th child. But judging it…you’re doing the same thing you’re accusing the Duggars of. Have u thought about that?

      • Person

        I tried to read your list of reasons but I was just so put off by your grammar and spelling.

        And I don’t know what homeschooled kids you’ve been meeting but most of them are dumb as rocks.

      • mayqueen

        a little late, but OP, you are fucking bonkers

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