• Tue, Apr 1 - 3:05 pm ET

A Non-Virgin’s Guide To Understanding The Duggar Family

The Duggar Family season 8 19 kids and counting

The eighth season of 19 Kids and Counting premieres on TLC tonight 9 PM EST/8 PM Heaven. That’s right, the EIGHTH season. While you were out sinnin’ and sexin’ and sextin’, the Duggar Family somehow squeezed out eight seasons of their show. Which proves there isn’t a God. Or if there is one, he enjoys destroying The Learning Channel’s reputation just as much as the next trashy reality show producer. (Can I get a WHAT UP from the people who invented Toddlers & Tiaras?)

While I majored in The Duggar Family and minored in slut shaming my daughters, it’s come to my attention that not everyone knows as much about this family as I do. In fact, I’m learning (channel) that no one does. So as a favor to you and as a favor to any future conversation we may have, I’d like to go over some Duggar basics.

Who Are The Duggars?

They’re a religious family raising 19 kids in Arkansas.

Duh, I saw that in the title! Why do they have a show?

Because it’s inspiring to see Jim Bob Duggar and Michelle Duggar attempt to raise 19 children without any help. Not even during the school hours! Because, get this, they homeschool all their kids.

C’mon, no one watches reality TV shows because they’re inspiring. TELL ME THE TRUTH!

Okay fiinnnee. They’re VERY religious. Like ladies-must-wear-long-skirts religious. So you have some people watching who do genuinely like seeing how they handle all those kids. Then you have other people watching because it’s basically a free ride on the WTF Express. (First stop: the 1950s!)

Hey now, there’s nothing wrong with being religious. Why are you a judgmental ass?

Because they’re extremely judgmental toward people who don’t choose to raise their children the same way. Not only do they use their TV show as a platform for raising their children like prude little pilgrims, but they also try to influence our laws. Josh Duggar, their oldest son, currently works for The Family Research Council in Washington D.C. Which isn’t as much about families as it is about being pro-birth and anti-gay.

Wait, their son’s name is Josh? So that rumor about all the kids having J names is true?

Hmmm, let’s see. Their names are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger (I know, I know), Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, Josie. So yeah, that rumor is true.

Okay, fine, plenty of families work around one letter. But why did they go with Jinger BEFORE Jennifer?

This is what happens when you don’t know how to google “J names.”

So I’m kinda into dating one of their 400 children at some point in my life, anything I should know?

Oh just that they believe in old-fashioned courting. You know, the kind of courting where your parents get really involved. Some might say too involved.

Who would say that?

Probably anyone who’s ever had a desire to actually get to know a person before marrying them.

Well I’m sure their parents give them some privacy, when else would they k*ss?

K*ss? This family doesn’t even believe in full frontal hugs before marriage.

That makes no sense. What’s the point of being so involved in raising your children if you don’t trust them to be alone when they’re adults?

Because we all know that kissing leads to fondling which leads to sexing which leads to pregnancy which leads to Teen Mom offering your kid more money than TLC which leads to losing one of your 19 kids to another network which leads to changing the title of the show which leads you straight to Hell. 

But I thought they loved babies and were like super into women having them?

No you’re thinking of fetuses! They can’t get enough of those of those buggers. They’re like obsessed with fetuses. One time a fetus punched Jim Bob in the face and he allegedly said, “it was awesome.”

Is it true they’ve done nothing to actually lower the abortion rate besides pretend that God writes blank checks to single moms?

If you call comparing abortion to the Holocaust nothing, then sure, they’ve done “nothing.”

Anything else I should know about them? Like tell me something nice or sweet or romantic! Something that will make me feel warm and fuzzy inside!

Oh I have just the thing! One time Michelle Duggar told people that the secret to a happy marriage is having sex with your husband whenever he wants to have it. Which is like totes awwwdorable.

(Photo: TLC)

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