The nation has been in mourning ever since we announced last week that Bradley Cooper‘s supposed fakelationship with Suki Waterhouse was to come to a tragic (and yet predictable) end. After all, award season is only so long, and once those plus-ones dry up, what’s the point of pretending to date?
But you guys needn’t fear, okay? There are still plenty more beards out there for Bradley to try on before he finds one that fits him perfectly, so don’t stress out. Remember, he’s already taken such models as Renee Zellweger, Zoe Saldana, and Jennifer Aniston out for a spin, so he knows what he’s doing.
And with that in mind, let’s turn our energies toward something more productive — creating a list of famous ladies for Bradley to draw from in the future. A beard roster, if you will. And before you flip out — no, I didn’t include Jennifer Lawrence. Not because she’s too young for him (shelf life on that line is pretty expired, given that Suki is only twenty-two to Bradley’s thirty-nine), but out of respect for Josh Hutcherson. I mean Nicholas Hoult.
WHATEVER WHOEVER LET’S DO THIS.
1. Gwyneth Paltrow, 41
This could be a small window, so act now — we haven’t seen an opportunity like this one since she married Chris Martin in 2003.
2. Katie Holmes, 35
You wouldn’t even need to go over the specifics of a contract-based relationship with Katie, because she comes fully-equipped with that knowledge from her six-year marriage to Tom Cruise!
3. Demi Moore, 51
She’s definitely available, and has proven she has a fondness for floppy-haired younger guys. And they could talk about all the fun names they’ve come across! Suki vs. Rumer etcetera etcetera etcetera.
4. Elisabeth Moss, 31
Not only did Elisabeth have the bar on marriage set incredibly low with Fred Armisen, but she’s also a Scientologist. What a fun new hobby for Bradley to pick up!
5. Cameron Diaz, 41
If I’m being honest, I feel like the two of them could actually work out.
6. Lupita Nyong’o, 31
She’s already been linked to half the guys in Hollywood, so why not throw a Bradley on the pile?
7. Miranda Kerr, 30
If things ever go wrong, she’s the best, most laid-back person ever to be divorced from. Just ask Orlando Bloom.
8. Taylor Swift, 24
Doesn’t everyone secretly want a Top 40 song about them?
9. Nicki Minaj, 31
Nicki’s so high-energy and attention-grabbing that you could probably take full-on naps with her on your arm, and everyone would be so distracted by her antics that they wouldn’t notice. Think of everything you could get away with! I dare you to poop in Giuliana Rancic‘s shoes on the red carpet.
10. Kim Cattrall, 57
It’ll be just like a Sex And The City episode! You’ll be Carrie and she’ll be Samantha!
11. Kristen Stewart, 23
Another lady with a fakelationship under her belt. I’ve also endorsed her for her ‘Publicity Stunt’ skills on LinkedIn.
12. Julianne Hough, 25
She really needs to come back from that blackface thing somehow. And if she can put up with ‘dating’ Ryan Seacrest, I’m pretty sure she can put up with anyone.
13. Lindsay Lohan, 27
Honestly she just can’t wait to be back on set. Like her favorite thing is working, she’ll do anything. And if that ‘anything’ happens to be fake-dating an A-List celebrity, she’ll be there every day
right on time only two hours late why is this happening to me I need a cigarette.