(Photo: Niko Tavernise – © MMXIV Paramount Pictures Corporation and Regency Entertainment)
So Noah comes out today, and to be honest I don’t even know what you’re still doing sitting in front of your computer. Shouldn’t you be at the movie theater right now absorbing this masterpiece?
Because yeah, if you haven’t picked up on my sarcasm yet, Noah isn’t supposed to be very good. It’s filled with heavy hitters like Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, and Emma Watson, but from what we’ve been hearing, they aren’t enough to make a story of a really big storm and a giant boat compelling for over two hours. Even The Bible limited it to a couple paragraphs.
I honestly do hope I’m wrong, because if I’m not, it constitutes kind of a disappointing trend for Emma Watson. Appearing in much-hyped projects that fail to meet their potential has become kind of her M.O., and as much as I always want to enjoy her performances, I find them falling flat more and more. But I really really like everything about her besides the acting stuff, so I don’t want her to go away. Then who would I point to as a celebrity role model who successfully transitioned from childhood to adulthood in the spotlight without a single stay in rehab?
So because I’m rude but not that rude, I put together a list of things I think Emma’s really good at — besides everything — so she can get another job for which she’s more suited, and I can still friend-crush on her constantly without having to sit through her movies.
[Note: a reader suggested that the numbering was misleading, so please be aware that this list is in no particular order. Otherwise wizard would obvi be at number one.]
Guys, she always looks good. ALWAYS. She can do editorial, commercial, avant garde, anything. And she does! She’s covered Vogue, worked with Burberry, and rocked a pixie cut that I honestly still have dreams about.
Sure, this isn’t a paying job, but every estimate I’ve seen places Emma’s net worth over $30 million, and some of them go as high as $60 million, so she really doesn’t have to work for money ever again. But anyway, Emma goes to an Ivy League university, and got As on all ten of the tests she took for her secondary education tests. And that was after being tutored on set versus going to school every day like most kids.
I mean c’mon, Hermione Granger was the cleverest witch of her year.
She’s done it before and she could do it again.
5. Fashion Designer
She’s worked closely with a designer named Alberta Ferretti to create a line with People Tree already, so she definitely has the experience.
“I’m very hands-on. I’ve picked out the fabrics and last year I visited garment factories in Bangladesh. Everything is handmade.”
Just so we’re all aware, Emma Watson doesn’t have a stylist…even though she consistently looks like one million dollars and I’m super jealous.
“I just dress for me. Fashion is something I genuinely enjoy. It’s a way of expressing yourself. It’s a lot of fun and I hope it’s not going to get to a stage where I feel: ‘Argh, clothes – how stressful!’ It’s become a way of life and I’m meeting amazing new creative designers all the time.”
When asked about her favorite designers, she has it all thought out:
“It depends what it’s for. For a premiere, I’ll wear some forward-thinking, trend-setting designers like Balenciaga or the latest from Chanel. I’m really into William Tempest. If I’m going casual, I’ll mix vintage with clothes from TopShop, Zara or Gap. Agnes B is also a favourite. I’ll mix and match, which makes it financially accessible to everyone.”
Let her at me.
7. Books On Tape Reader
Is anyone else completely obsessed with Emma’s voice, or is that just me?
8. Role Model
Just sign up to teach a few classes on staying self-aware in the face of immense fame, and you’d have a whole heap of young Hollywood actors at your doorstep in no time. Because I’ll drag them by the scruff of their necks, don’t think that I won’t.
That fashion line that I described before? It was specifically created to benefit impoverished nations by purchasing textiles from them directly instead of using first-world equivalents.
Emma just seems like such an intelligent, intellectual human being that any brand would be lucky to have her at its helm. I just…don’t quite feel the same about movies. Please don’t be mad, I really love Emma!