• Fri, Mar 28 - 2:03 pm ET

10 Careers That Would Be Better for Emma Watson Than Acting

Emma Watson in Noah March 2014(Photo: Niko Tavernise – © MMXIV Paramount Pictures Corporation and Regency Entertainment)

So Noah comes out today, and to be honest I don’t even know what you’re still doing sitting in front of your computer. Shouldn’t you be at the movie theater right now absorbing this masterpiece?

Because yeah, if you haven’t picked up on my sarcasm yet, Noah isn’t supposed to be very good. It’s filled with heavy hitters like Russell CroweJennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, and Emma Watson, but from what we’ve been hearing, they aren’t enough to make a story of a really big storm and a giant boat compelling for over two hours. Even The Bible limited it to a couple paragraphs.

I honestly do hope I’m wrong, because if I’m not, it constitutes kind of a disappointing trend for Emma Watson. Appearing in much-hyped projects that fail to meet their potential has become kind of her M.O., and as much as I always want to enjoy her performances, I find them falling flat more and more. But I really really like everything about her besides the acting stuff, so I don’t want her to go away. Then who would I point to as a celebrity role model who successfully transitioned from childhood to adulthood in the spotlight without a single stay in rehab?

So because I’m rude but not that rude, I put together a list of things I think Emma’s really good at — besides everything — so she can get another job for which she’s more suited, and I can still friend-crush on her constantly without having to sit through her movies.

[Note: a reader suggested that the numbering was misleading, so please be aware that this list is in no particular order. Otherwise wizard would obvi be at number one.]

Emma Watson clapping as Hermione Granger in harry potter GIF

(via)

1. Model

Guys, she always looks good. ALWAYS. She can do editorial, commercial, avant garde, anything. And she does! She’s covered Vogue, worked with Burberry, and rocked a pixie cut that I honestly still have dreams about.

2. Student

Sure, this isn’t a paying job, but every estimate I’ve seen places Emma’s net worth over $30 million, and some of them go as high as $60 million, so she really doesn’t have to work for money ever again. But anyway, Emma goes to an Ivy League university, and got As on all ten of the tests she took for her secondary education tests. And that was after being tutored on set versus going to school every day like most kids.

3. Wizard

I mean c’mon, Hermione Granger was the cleverest witch of her year.

4. Bartender

She’s done it before and she could do it again.

5. Fashion Designer

She’s worked closely with a designer named Alberta Ferretti to create a line with People Tree already, so she definitely has the experience.

“I’m very hands-on. I’ve picked out the fabrics and last year I visited garment factories in Bangladesh. Everything is handmade.”

6. Stylist

Just so we’re all aware, Emma Watson doesn’t have a stylist…even though she consistently looks like one million dollars and I’m super jealous.

“I just dress for me. Fashion is something I genuinely enjoy. It’s a way of expressing yourself. It’s a lot of fun and I hope it’s not going to get to a stage where I feel: ‘Argh, clothes – how stressful!’ It’s become a way of life and I’m meeting amazing new creative designers all the time.”

When asked about her favorite designers, she has it all thought out:

“It depends what it’s for. For a premiere, I’ll wear some forward-thinking, trend-setting designers like Balenciaga or the latest from Chanel. I’m really into William Tempest. If I’m going casual, I’ll mix vintage with clothes from TopShop, Zara or Gap. Agnes B is also a favourite. I’ll mix and match, which makes it financially accessible to everyone.”

Let her at me.

7. Books On Tape Reader

Is anyone else completely obsessed with Emma’s voice, or is that just me?

8. Role Model

Just sign up to teach a few classes on staying self-aware in the face of immense fame, and you’d have a whole heap of young Hollywood actors at your doorstep in no time. Because I’ll drag them by the scruff of their necks, don’t think that I won’t.

9. Humanitarian

That fashion line that I described before? It was specifically created to benefit impoverished nations by purchasing textiles from them directly instead of using first-world equivalents.

10. Spokesperson

Emma just seems like such an intelligent, intellectual human being that any brand would be lucky to have her at its helm. I just…don’t quite feel the same about movies. Please don’t be mad,  I really love Emma!

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  • Dan_nb

    Emma has gotten good reviews for her performance in Noah. Many critics say she stood out and was great. The New York Times, Time Magazine, among others praised her. That said, you are entitled to have your opinion, but I think this article pretty pointless since you haven’t even watched Noah…

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      If I change my opinion after I see it, I’ll make sure to write that up as well! But it’s a fair guess, considering they canceled screenings across the New York area. That’s usually a good indicator that the movie doesn’t have the momentum they were hoping for.

    • Dan_nb

      Noah got 76% fresh at Rotten Tomatoes… Sounds like a good indicator for me.

    • Mara

      Actually some of the critics were saying it was dumb of Paramount to cancel screenings since it’s receiving good reviews and by cancelling they gave the allusion that it sucked. I guess they weren’t confident in the film but it obviously turned out okay. Emma’s getting decent to good reviews for her performance for the most part.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      That’s great! I’m glad to hear it.

  • elle

    There is something so likable about Emma that I genuinely want her to succeed but she is just such a mediocre actress. People just tend to give her a pass because she was Hermione. I’ve always thought she should start up a lifestyle blog/magazine like GOOP geared to her late teens/early twenties fans because I can see her being really good at that, and she has always come across as relatable.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Oooh yeah I’d be totally into that, and relatable is an excellent word to describe her.

  • Mara

    Emma Watson, like KStew, has the “Orlando Bloom” thing. When they reach a certain pinnacle of fame due to big blockbuster franchises….they will have work for at least seven to ten years (even if it’s tiny indies that no one sees like Orlando does). I kind of feel like Emma has the public/critical divide though. She got good reviews for the Bling Ring and “solid” reviews for Noah (although she’s never carried a film) but the public doesn’t seem to care for her as an actress (they just like her as a person/model/public figure). Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if she became the new Keira Knightely because she has a fanbase and there aren’t that many young actresses out there right now that can pull of the English Rose period film type of thing.

    • Kathy

      I agree with Mara! Emma has the luxury of time that other young actresses don’t have. She can pick her roles based on what she likes, not what’s going to make money. Her fans will stick with her for at least another 5 years, maybe longer. So Emma should team up with a good partner, like a producer or director, and find the right projects. In addition, Noah is going to be bigger than you realized when you wrote this, because it’s already had a great opening weekend (No.1). This movie will stay in the theaters for at least a month I think.

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  • http://filmcutting.com Film Cutting

    In my opinion this is a notable example of a good sense of mock-serious humor. Thanks for your idea!

  • jessie

    I watched Noah last night and though I really like Emma as a young person in the world of young actresses (she’s beautiful and smart), in terms of her acting, she was the worst part of this film. I always cheer for her, but I’m always disappointed that she hasn’t lost herself in a role. I always know its Emma trying to be another character, rather than seeing the character first. Her eyebrow acting was back and overacting was cringe worthy. I don’t believe she has the natural talent to carry a movie and/or even be convincing (yet). I think she got lucky with Harry Potter, but doesn’t have the acting chops. Or she hasn’t made that leap yet. I hope she does. But I’m not sure she will.

  • Harley

    I assume the whole “role model” bit was sarcasm as well. she’s a classless hypocrite, but no surprise there, so is almost every popular/overrated star just like her in Hollywood. and looks good? even if she looked like Grace Kelly, that has nothing to do with modeling. Models need to look INTERESTING and exotic, like Gisele Bundchen, Twiggy, Iman. even if you find Emma attractive, she’s far from interesting and exotic looking.

    can we please just let the Watson bandwagon herding sheep into Hollywood disappear, already? I’m kind of happy she’s finally become somewhat irrelevant so her horrible acting won’t be talked about so much, so let’s keep it that way.

  • Lolita

    http://www.vanityfair.com/vf-hollywood/emma-watson-noah

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jacobs-matthew/noah-review_b_5055721.html

    That says it all. I watched Noah, although I didn’t liked it, the performances were absolutely amazing, Emma Watson included. Watch it first before you judge amateur journalist. Haters are gonna hate I guess, and I didn’t see any eyebrow acting or over acting in my part, haters.

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