There was a second there where I really wanted to sympathize with Gwyneth Paltrow over the end of her marriage to Chris Martin. But then I saw that she’d very pretentiously labeled their divorce as a ‘conscious uncoupling’ in her written statement, and that was all out the window.
“We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.”
Ugh, girl. C’MON. Obviously I still feel for the couple’s kids, Apple and Moses (and not just for the inherent burden in those names), but it’s hard to be on board with people who broadcast their superiority over the rest of humanity and the English language while simultaneously being completely inundated with cheating allegations. Double standard, anyone?
But luckily, now we can all get back to enjoying ourselves again, because the geniuses over at Slate (the same people who let you John Travolta-fy your name ala ‘Adele Dazeem‘!) have created a way for us to get in on the Pretentious Party. All you have to do is enter your name, your relationship status, and if necessary, the name of your partner into their amazing widget, and it spits out the ‘GOOP-ified’ version of what you should’ve been calling your union the whole time.
For example, my boyfriend Dan and I are ‘open-heartedly affixed’, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are ‘spiritually teamed’, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears are ‘unreservedly uncoupled’, and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are ‘fated to be magnanimously intertwined’. I could honestly do this all day.
Oh and then my favorite part? This quote:
*Correction, March 26, 2014: The Relationship Status Goop-ifier originally misstated that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are deeply unyoked. Paltrow and Martin are consciously uncoupled.
I think I’m in love with a website.
(Photo: Stephan Schraps / Future Image / WENN.com)