If you haven’t heard yet that they’re talking about doing an Indiana Jones reboot, then let me be the first to tell you — they’re doing an Indiana Jones reboot. And as if that wasn’t enough to get pulses up, Bradley Cooper‘s name is being tossed around for the title role, as a replacement for Harrison Ford.
Guys. People are really upset about it. Even though it hasn’t been confirmed — and in fact it’s even been denied, that hasn’t stopped people from overreacting on a massive level. You know, the usual stuff saying he’s not right for it, and that they’re gonna boycott the movie, and blah blah blah.
So just to put things in perspective, in case he does end up getting the role, here are fourteen actors who’d be way worse. Let’s all untwist our panties in unison, okay?
1. Ben Affleck
There would come a knock on the door during the first read, and he’d just be standing there like, “Hi there. I heard there was a leading male role here, and I may not be right for it, but that’s never stopped me before.”
2. Benedict Cumberbatch
I love the guy, but he’s a thinker, not a doer. That’s why he’s so perfect as Sherlock.
3. Ryan Reynolds
Way too pretty and doll-like. And I have all these visions of him mugging straight into the camera if he got into a pickle.
4. Harrison Ford
“HELLO I’M BACK AND ONLY SEVENTY-ONE LET’S GO ROUND FIVE.”
5. Jason Segel
I have a feeling I’d love watching this movie for the first twenty minutes or so, and then the novelty would’ve worn off. But that said, let’s make this a web series post-haste please!
6. Jaden Smith
You laugh, but if Will Smith somehow became a producer on this, he’d make it happen.
7. Jesse Eisenberg
YESSSSSSSSSS. What would this movie even be…and why am I obsessed with it.
8. Channing Tatum
But only for the musical version.
9. Jennifer Lawrence
The going trend right now is to put her in any movie that producers want to get legs, but please resist the urge, Hollywood. The reason that you have such a clear image in your head of her running in a leather coat is The Hunger Games, not a sign that this could totally work.
10. Tim Burton’s Johnny Depp™
Not the regular version, the Burton version. I can literally feel my brain stretching and aching just imagining the costumes.
11. Ashton Kutcher
No matter how many notes he was given on this performance, I have a feeling it would end up being like 40% Kelso, 58% Tarzan, and 2% Indiana Jones, but if he invented Apple.
12. Daniel Day Lewis
He’d probably do a great job, he just takes things so seriously that I’d be worried someone would be literally murdered on set.
13. Robin Williams
What is the thing that Indy fears most? Because I think we’d need to have a lot of that on hand, just in case we couldn’t get him to shut up
at some point all the time.
14. John Travolta
And finally, the crown jewel — a casting choice so frozen-faced and wrong that it literally made my coworker grimace and groan aloud when I brought it up.
Are you ready for Bradley now? Yeah, that’s what I thought.