Some of you younger folk may not remember this, but Perez Hilton used to be a very different sort of lad. Now he pretty much posts the same content as the rest of the pop culture blogs, but for a while he was quite the trailblazer, and not always in the most positive ways.
He started blogging ten years ago (!!!) in 2004, and within six months, had already been labeled as Hollywood’s most-hated celebrity website for his tendencies to out closeted celebrities, fat-shame kids, and insert himself into the news. All…things that I’ve been accused of doing on Crushable in my own precious way, ironically enough. Although I never did it with Microsoft Paint doodles on top of a copyrighted photo, so I feel morally superior somehow.
You know his doodles! He still does them on recent content, but they’re super tame and toned down now; mostly just speech bubbles or minor commentary on the photo. In short, stuff that’s vastly different from his old masterpieces full of leaping dicks and cum trails all over faces. That was really the stuff of the late 2000s, and I remember it almost fondly.
Which got me to thinking — what a loss it is that we never had Perez and his mouse of wonder during earlier decades. We have no idea the pearls of pixelated wisdom that he could’ve added to the biggest scandals of the 1990s, and that’s a DAMN SHAME. So maybe it’s time for me to fire up Microsoft Paint and rectify that myself, right? Really take a look at what those pivotal, controversial moments would’ve looked like with him doodling rude nonsense over the top of them.
WATCH OUT FOR FLYING JIZZ. And please save your offense for the end and mentally send it off to Perez where it belongs.
1. The Monica Lewinsky Scandal
(Photo: Brenda Chase / Stringer / Getty Images)
You and I both know that President Bill Clinton’s affair with then-intern Monica Lewinsky in 1998 had far-reaching political implications, but I think Perez would’ve had a field day with all the jizz references alone.
2. Princess Diana’s Funeral
(Photo: Anwar Hussein / WENN.com)
Perez has notoriously had difficulty reporting on tragic events, and I suspect that the 1997 funeral for Princess Diana would have been no exception.
3. The OJ Simpson trial
(Photo: David Livingston / WENN.com)
This is one I can actually get behind. It’s all we have, given that he was acquitted in 1995 for the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her boyfriend, Ronald Goldman.
4. Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan
(Photo: Pascal Rondeau / Getty Images Sport)
I’m betting Perez would’ve been giddy over the accusations flying after the attack on Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan in 1994. Perez loves a catfight.
5. JonBenet Ramsey’s murder
Guys, I totally understand your indignation, as this is totally inappropriate. But don’t blame me, blame Perez.
6. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee’s sex tape
(Photo: David Livingston / Getty Images Entertainment)
Turns out it used to be a big deal when celebrity sex tapes got leaked. At least it was in 1995, when these two filmed it on their honeymoon.
7. Pee Wee Herman’s indecent exposure arrest
(Photo: Joseph Marzullo / WENN.com)
In 1991, Paul Reubens was arrested for masturbating in a public theater…and I can hear Perez’s excitement over the pun potential with ‘pee wee’ and ‘penis’ from here.
8. Woody Allen
When Woody Allen’s marriage to Mia Farrow blew up and Woody married her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn in 1991, I can’t imagine Perez showing any restraint. As well he probably shouldn’t have.
Ugh, you guys. My Paint hand is sore. Gotta go take a big ‘ol nap and think about my choices.