If Perez Hilton Had Covered The 8 Biggest Scandals Of The 1990s

Perez Hilton getting a spray tan GIF(via)

Some of you younger folk may not remember this, but Perez Hilton used to be a very different sort of lad. Now he pretty much posts the same content as the rest of the pop culture blogs, but for a while he was quite the trailblazer, and not always in the most positive ways.

He started blogging ten years ago (!!!) in 2004, and within six months, had already been labeled as Hollywood’s most-hated celebrity website for his tendencies to out closeted celebrities, fat-shame kids, and insert himself into the news. All…things that I’ve been accused of doing on Crushable in my own precious way, ironically enough. Although I never did it with Microsoft Paint doodles on top of a copyrighted photo, so I feel morally superior somehow.

You know his doodles! He still does them on recent content, but they’re super tame and toned down now; mostly just speech bubbles or minor commentary on the photo. In short, stuff that’s vastly different from his old masterpieces full of leaping dicks and cum trails all over faces. That was really the stuff of the late 2000s, and I remember it almost fondly.

Which got me to thinking — what a loss it is that we never had Perez and his mouse of wonder during earlier decades. We have no idea the pearls of pixelated wisdom that he could’ve added to the biggest scandals of the 1990s, and that’s a DAMN SHAME. So maybe it’s time for me to fire up Microsoft Paint and rectify that myself, right? Really take a look at what those pivotal, controversial moments would’ve looked like with him doodling rude nonsense over the top of them.

WATCH OUT FOR FLYING JIZZ. And please save your offense for the end and mentally send it off to Perez where it belongs.

1. The Monica Lewinsky Scandal

Monica Lewinsky(Photo: Brenda Chase / Stringer / Getty Images)

You and I both know that President Bill Clinton’s affair with then-intern Monica Lewinsky in 1998 had far-reaching political implications, but I think Perez would’ve had a field day with all the jizz references alone.

2. Princess Diana’s Funeral

Prince Harry and Prince William(Photo: Anwar Hussein / WENN.com)

Perez has notoriously had difficulty reporting on tragic events, and I suspect that the 1997 funeral for Princess Diana would have been no exception.

3. The OJ Simpson trial

OJ Simpson(Photo: David Livingston / WENN.com)

This is one I can actually get behind. It’s all we have, given that he was acquitted in 1995 for the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson and her boyfriend, Ronald Goldman.

4. Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan

Tonya and Nancy(Photo: Pascal Rondeau / Getty Images Sport)

I’m betting Perez would’ve been giddy over the accusations flying after the attack on Olympic figure skater Nancy Kerrigan in 1994. Perez loves a catfight.

5. JonBenet Ramsey’s murder

JonBenet Ramsey(Image: CNN)

Guys, I totally understand your indignation, as this is totally inappropriate. But don’t blame me, blame Perez.

6. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee’s sex tape

Tommy and Pamela(Photo: David Livingston / Getty Images Entertainment)

Turns out it used to be a big deal when celebrity sex tapes got leaked. At least it was in 1995, when these two filmed it on their honeymoon.

7. Pee Wee Herman’s indecent exposure arrest

Pee Wee Herman(Photo: Joseph Marzullo / WENN.com)

In 1991, Paul Reubens was arrested for masturbating in a public theater…and I can hear Perez’s excitement over the pun potential with ‘pee wee’ and ‘penis’ from here.

8. Woody Allen

The Paris premiere of 'Blue Jasmine'(Photo: WENN.com)

When Woody Allen’s marriage to Mia Farrow blew up and Woody married her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn in 1991, I can’t imagine Perez showing any restraint. As well he probably shouldn’t have.

Ugh, you guys. My Paint hand is sore. Gotta go take a big ‘ol nap and think about my choices.

Share This Post:
    • gdhh

      Alexis, your drawing skills rival the greatest. Although I cannot erase woody allen’s tiny thin paint woody out of my mind.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        It paint worms its way right into your thoughts.

        And thank you. I am truly honored by your praise of my skills. Microsoft Paint is a forgotten art.

    • elle

      Lol, spot on Perez impersonation. Oh perez, you really are the worst. Let’s not forget his love of outing every celeb he could either.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I knowwww. That’s how NPH got outed!

      • Tova

        I didn’t know that! And I ignore my three year old so I can read all the latest on “celebrity” gossip.

    • Char

      Omigosh, I used to LOVE reading Perez Hilton circa Britney Spears’ breakdown (which one? you’re probably asking. All of them). This is bringing back a lot of badly drawn MS paint doodle memories.

      Thank you for this.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Of course! I’m right there with you on the Brit-Brit memories.

    • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

      Satan’s semen and Mayor of Splooge Town just made me lose it entirely. Brava!

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hahaha thank you! So pleased to hear it.

    • Elizabeth Aspen

      I was having such a shitty day – this was exactly what I needed, thanks !

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        And now you’re having a jizzy one! Haha, so glad to hear it.

    • Olivia Wilson

      This is beautiful and amazing; I almost shed a tear.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Hahaha, thank you Olivia.

    • FemelleChevalier

      This is jizztastic!

      …that sounds way better in my head. This is still awesome, though. :)

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed!