I regret to inform you that Ariana Grande slipped in a puddle of her dog’s pee and broke her toes. Upon first reading that sentence, you might have giggled at the absurdity. That’s understandable. Anything involving dog pee is inherently silly. But I also hope that if Ariana texted you with this information you would show concern for her health and wish her a speedy recovery. And then probably ask how she got your number, but that’s irrelevant here. What is relevant is that Ariana’s manager Scooter Braun got that exact text message and decided it would be HILARIOUS to post it on Instagram and laugh at it.
Here’s the screenshot Scooter shared, which shows not only Ariana’s explanation of her injury but also Scooter’s totally sympathetic response. Oh sorry, did I say sympathetic? I meant the opposite of that. His photo caption really added to the whole “HAHAHA sucks for you” feeling of the situation: “Monday morning texts from @arianagrande are always the best. Lol. Gotta love this girl. Feel better Ari.” I guess he just wanted to save his well wishes for the end so they would have a bigger impact.
So to sum that up, he thought this was literally LOL-worthy and told her that her injury made him “pumped” for the next week. Did it inspire him to work harder in his own life not to slip on dog pee? Is he planning to pitch a music video idea inspired by the incident? Is he a sociopath? No one can say.
You know I’m gonna have to now bring Justin Bieber into the discussion because A.) I’m required to bring Justin Bieber into every discussion because of a witch’s curse, and B.) Scooter is also Justin’s manager. Although you could also probably call him his babysitter and his BFF and his deadbeat dad and his goof-off brother and his Dr. Frankenstein. He plays a lot of roles. I’ll save my conspiracy theory that the pee was actually Bieber’s for when I have more evidence to present. But I will say that the douche doesn’t fall far from the douche tree. I bet Bieber’s reaction would be something along the lines of: “Haaaa LMFAO. [smolder at nonexistent camera] [crotch grab] [wink].”