You know what they say about those Kardashians, right? You gotta start ‘em young, weaning them onto fame early so that they grow up craving its taste. Kris Jenner had the benefit of growing those enzymes right in her breast milk, but the rest of the family has to be a little more creative when conditioning their young ones to flourish under the nourishing warmth of the spotlight.
And Kim Kardashian obviously doesn’t want North West to grow up like Kendall Jenner — unable to pull the trigger on even the most regrettable of real tattoos — so when Kim spotted an opportunity to get North’s first nudie pic published, she took it. Even though North is still less than a year old, it’s 2014, okay? There’s no such thing as being too young to stir up controversy, so when Anna Wintour‘s momentary lapse in judgement leads to a Vogue cover featuring you and Kanye West chastely touching hands for what looks like the first time ever, there will be no better opportunity to give your baby’s first naked pic some real traction.
And thus, I present to you — this gem. Aside from the fact that North is butt-ass naked, ready to follow in her mother’s footsteps, there are a lot of other elements that we’re gonna go over, so make sure you absorb all the details of this masterpiece.
First, did anyone else have a moment of thinking that Kanye was naked as well? Because that definitely happened for me. And now kindly turn your attention to Kim’s tattered wedding dress, her strategic showing-off of that $8 million engagement ring as she cups a bum, and the look of utter consternation on North’s face. She knows exactly where she is and the ways she’s being exploited. I can just hear her little voice now once she learns to talk saying, “Y’know, people can be famous for more than just being naked, Mom. Mom? MOM. You passed out while gazing into the camera lens again.”
And let’s end with a reminder that this is Kanye’s couch, and we’re all just sitting on it.