Kimye Only Vaguely Knows How To Touch Each Other On Their Bridal Cover Of Vogue

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian in wedding dress and tux on Vogue cover April 2014In case you needed some proof today that money can’t buy you love or happiness, look no further than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West gracing the cover of Vogue in all their awkward bridal finery.

Maybe these two are head over heels in love with each other for more than just the boost in Instagram followers and potential increased viewership to Keeping Up With The Kardashiansbut you sure can’t tell from this photo. There they are, each decked out in outfits that I have no doubt individually cost more than a year of rent for me, with a ring on Kim’s finger that we know rang in at $8 million and dwarfs the hand of their daughter North West, AND THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TOUCH EACH OTHER.

Like, what is going on with your hands there, guys? You’re reminding me of a couple of dolls, or some kind of creepily realistic cake-toppers. In fact, I didn’t want to say this, but I’m getting shades of Danielle and Kevin Jonas with the way you’re both so reluctant to let your hands rest on the other person in a natural way. You know, as if you’ve seen each other in person before this photo shoot and enjoyed that time spent.

Honestly I don’t get it. Were they planning to Photoshop North over that bizarre hand cluster? Just fix it in post? How could this possibly have been the most casual and in-love that their doll hands looked in all the takes from this shoot? Kanye is holding hands with himself. Was he pissed he won the coin toss to decide who got to stand in front? Even though it’s Kim’s first Vogue cover ever! TOUCH EACH OTHER ON THE HANDLES YOU GUYS.

And just so we make it through every other issue I have with the cover and don’t get completely sidetracked by Hand-Gate 2K14, I need to point out they’ve also put a hashtag right on the cover saying #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple. Which really should’ve been followed up by a tasteful #nodisrespecttobenaffleck, because you know that he and Jennifer Garner are gonna open up their early copy and be really disappointed they didn’t make it. All those farmers markets for nothing!

(Image: Vogue via Refinery 29)

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    • Jill O’Rourke

      It’s like they’re trying to recreate the Ghost pottery scene without the potter’s wheel and failing miserably.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        So. Uncomfortable.

    • Frannie

      She’s just not that into him.

    • Stephanie Stevens

      Why can’t people just accept the fact that they want to exploit, I mean share their love with the world…Smh, people are so cynical…

      • Daniel Hill


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    • PreciousLostThings

      He’s holding hands with his true love (himself) and she’s as always staring right at the camera seeking acknowledgement and approval. Seems legit to me.

      • Daniel Hill


    • FemelleChevalier

      Narcisissm 101: Holding hands with yourself is the norm.

    • SRR126

      So this is what your brain occupies itself with throughout the day.
      I guess the whole cancer curing gig was already taken.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Yeah and also I forgot to go to med school.

      • Daniel Hill


    • Daniel Hill

      The fact that they are on the cover at all is repulsive. Why? Because they represent the worst American culture has to offer- narcissism and image without substance or depth. Good for Kanye and Kim on their wealth, marriage, and success. I don’t have a problem with that at all. But why put these two on the cover, when so many other choices are available- not the least of which is recent Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o. Putting Lupita on the cover would have been a class-act move, and would have elevated Vogue, at least in image, to something more than a shallow fluff machine, capable only of celebrating the most shallow of celebrities, and insulting the public’s intelligence by assuming that that is what they want to see.

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