• Fri, Mar 21 - 4:33 pm ET

The 7 Funniest Lines From Reviewers Who Thought Divergent Was Terrible

Divergent Kiss

Not that this gets in the way of our feelings about Shailene Woodley’s career, but it looks like her first big Blockbuster release, Divergent, isn’t actually that great of a movie. I haven’t seen it yet, partly because I’m pretty out of the Divergent loop, but since I enjoy dystopian stuff so much, I was strongly considering going to see it. However, if I’m basing that decision on any of the recent reviews by these critics, this is one butt that won’t be in a movie chair at a showing of this movie.

If you’re not yet sure what the movie is about, don’t feel too badly because neither am I. But what I’ve gleaned from its commercials and from conversations with rabid fans of the book series, it follows the story of 16 year-old Tris (Woodley) who discovers that she is a special little law-breaker because her personality doesn’t fit into any of her society’s five factions. If you think that that sounds way too much like the plots of The Hunger Games or Harry Potter, brace yourself because there are apparently much bigger issues with this movie. And here are 7 very funny lines from movie reviews complaining about them.

(I’m not totally sure if there are spoilers to follow, but just in case, cover your eyes, ears, and computer screen. But, I should warn you, it will be very difficult to read these hilar quotes that way.)

1. “Given the recent failure of teen fantasies like ‘Beautiful Creatures,’ ‘The Host’ and ‘Ender’s Game,’ you’d think Hollywood would be more careful about picking franchises. Instead, we get a version of Veronica Roth’s best-selling YA trilogy that plays out like patched together fan fiction.NY Daily News

What’s that that I hear? Is it — it’s — it’s shots being fired, I knew it!

2. “They leap onto moving trains! They jump between buildings! Why not wait for the train to stop? No one’s ever heard of stairs?”Vanity Fair

The rest of the review talks about how little sense the entire movie (premise and all) makes, and I think that this excerpt is the best possible depiction of that. Why don’t they just do things practically? Isn’t imminent death enough stress to manage?

3. “Here’s a tip when it comes to creating villains in your stories — they’re (sic) one and only character trait can’t be that they are an asshole. Eric, is an asshole. Nothing more, nothing less. He shows up, he’s an asshole and he keeps that going throughout the entire feature to the point you’re dreading his involvement in any future scenes.”Rope of Silicon

Isn’t it weird how the protagonists are sociopaths and the villains are unrelenting jerks? Like, who are we supposed to be rooting for here, huh guys?

4. “Unfortunately, most of her training takes place in ‘The Pit,’ which looks very much like an ’80s health club, complete with rock-climbing walls.”The New York Post

Best mental image ever, thanks NY Post pals.

5. “At 143 minutes, though, the movie feels overly long, and by the end, you may want to hop onto one of those trains yourself and hope it arrives somewhere a lot less grim.” – Boston.com

Too bad you wouldn’t be able to take a plane somewhere nicer because flight services have apparently been suspended indefinitely in their society.

6. “Director Neil Burger amps up every snap, crackle and pop, but there’s no escaping the fact: what we have is science fiction that devotes its considerable resources to imagining the future of SAT tests.” - The Guardian

Hm, it seems like a sort of crappy idea altogether when you put it that way…

7. “In all candor, and with all the amity I can muster, “Divergent” is as dauntingly dumb as it is dauntingly long.”The Wall Street Journal

And, I should stress, it’s quite dauntingly long.

(GIF: Giphy)

You can reach this post's author, Olivia Wilson, on twitter.
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  • FemelleChevalier

    Maybe it’s similar to choosing between two evils and choosing the less evil?

    • Olivia Wilson

      Hmm, I’m not sure which part you’re talking about. You mean the movie as a whole?

    • FemelleChevalier

      Oh, I meant your commentary in #3 about the sociopathic traits of the protagonists. I haven’t really read the books myself (not yet sure if it’s worth it), so I’m just blind-pitching some probable reasoning for the rooting part.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Ahh, gotcha! In that case, yep, I agree that we probably have no other choice than to choose which trait we hate less.

  • Tootsie1151

    You guys obviously haven’t read the book…..you would know why he was asshole…kinda

    • Olivia Wilson

      I get what you’re saying, but I that the review I quoted there also makes a fair point.

      If we’re just going off of this one movie —which I think makes sense since the movie should be able to stand alone without relying on the book to fill in such large blanks— it’d be nice to either have other interesting character traits or for it to explain why that character is such a jerk.

  • AJ

    you’re an idiot. why would you base an opinion off of a book/movie because of a couple bad reviews? those reviews are most likely written by old cynical white men that think every young adult novel is a Hunger Games/Harry Potter/Twilight-wannabe. and that is simply not true.
    the dauntless jump on and off moving trains because that’s the tradition of their faction. they value bravery. they live for the adrenaline.
    yeah, eric is an asshole. plain and simple. you’re SUPPOSED to be dreading his involvement in future scenes. nobody liked him in the book, and nobody liked him in the movie. what, were they supposed to give him some tragic backstory and make him all complex? no.
    yes, i’ll admit the movie was a bit long. but i, and pretty much all the other people who have actually read the books, were very grateful for it. if it means that all the details from the book are going to be included, i wouldn’t care if the movie was 6 hours long.
    unfortunately, i know not everyone is going to agree with me and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. but please watch (or read) it before you make assumptions and if you’re going to criticize it, make sure your criticisms are true and make sense.

    • Olivia Wilson

      While I do appreciate being given the darling nickname “idiot,” I think you should chill out a little. I clearly said IF I’m basing my opinion of the series on these reviews, not that I hate it and shun it because of them.

  • Ro

    “the dauntless jump on and off moving trains because that’s the tradition of their faction. they value bravery. they live for the adrenaline. ”

    FUCKING THIS, THANK YOU. Literally ALL of those review segments are the sound of the point WOOSHING over the critics’ heads because they’re too fucking daft to understand the concept of human nature and tradition and values at their core. For fuck’s sake, you know what the worst of it is? That 13 and 14 year olds have the depth enough to value the concept, but 30 year old wall street straight jackets who haven’t even had an interesting sexual fantasy in ten years, don’t have the maturity to see passed their own pretentiousness.

    Don’t see the God damn movie if you don’t have an appreciation for young adult science fiction, (speaking to the ‘general you’ here, likely the authors of all the quoted reviews – not the idiot who reviewed a movie based on other reviews – because holy fuck do NOT get me started on that). If you already hate the genre – WHY BOTHER? What point are you proving? You’re not into the theme in the first place because you have no fucking imagination and the joy’s been sucked out of your corpse of an American Hustle, Wolf of Wallstreet bullshit chest, so what value is your opinion in the first place? Nil. Zilch. Nothing. So suck it up, ass face, maybe no one cares what you think when you’re clearly a fantasy bash in the first place. Get off your soap box. And now I shall get off of mine.

  • Runey Favour

    I enjoyed the movie, though I guess these critics make good points. I’ve only seen it once and that was a while ago when it came out, so I don’t recall the bad parts so much. Also, I didn’t read the books so I can’t go comparing it to them.

    Also I can’t really get over the error in number 3. “They’re”? Really?! The critics can’t use “their”?