Oh, celebrities. They’re so predictable. If they’re not saying “My job really isn’t as glamorous as it seems” or “We’re not dating, we’re just really good friends,” they’re trying to convince us that running around after your children gives you the body of a Victoria’s Secret model. The “I chase after my kids” line is one of my favorites in Hollywood. Also one of my least favorites, because really? I’m not even a mom and it annoys me.
Granted, it’s kind of annoying in the first place that all female celebs get asked about after they have a baby is “How did you lose the weight?” But a little honesty wouldn’t hurt. Telling us that following your child around on the playground burns enough calories for you to look like that doesn’t make us normals feel better. If that were really all it took, every mom in existence would have a supermodel’s body. Please, tell us you work out constantly and can’t eat anything delicious. Don’t make it look effortless. Here are just nine examples of the “running after my kids” excuse. To be fair, a lot of them also add that they diet and exercise, but that’s really all they needed to say in the first place. Not to mention the fact that a lot of them probably leave the chasing to the nannies…
1. Rebecca Romijn
What she said: “I do Bikram three days a week, and I run after my twins every day — a workout in itself! I was doing yoga five days a week, but then I started to realize that my body was fatigued and my back was hurting. I think it’s important to listen to your body and know when you’re overdoing it.”
Okay, so you do yoga. Why can’t you just say that? I’m not a mom, so I don’t know for sure, but exactly how much running around do children do each day? I imagine for a lot of the time they’re stationary, no? If it’s enough to give you a body like that, maybe invest in a leash.
2. Angelina Jolie
What she said: Saying she is feeling “great” and is “very happy” that her kids are healthy, these days Angelina is all about running “around with all of the other kids” and “breastfeeding, which I think is a part of your body’s recovery.” “It’s genetics,” Angelina notes. “Certain people are different in their shape. But I’m breastfeeding and I think that’s it. That’s how your body naturally responds.”
Angelina certainly does have a lot of kids, so any running around is multiplied, but are the acts of playing with your kids and breastfeeding really the only things keeping her looking like Angelina Jolie? For realsies?
3. Alessandra Ambrosio
What she said: “Breastfeeding was really good [too], and running after my kids … I love to do Pilates and SoulCycle and go on walks and surf at the beach.”
Okay, so you do Pilates and SoulCycle. Why do you have to add that as an afterthought, like “Meh, I just run after my kids. And oh yeah I also do routine exercise because I’M A VICTORIA’S SECRET MODEL”?
4. Melissa Joan Hart
What she said: “You don’t have time to eat because you’re chasing them all the time! … You kind of lift them in the car seat, out of the car seat, in the highchair, out of the highchair.”
Ahhh so much chasing and lifting and moving and not eating. So relatable.
5. Nick Cannon
What he said: “I chase my kids around and I also lift weights.”
It’s not just the ladies who use the “my kids keep me fit” excuse. It’s also the daddies. But seriously, how fast and how often are these kids running around that they’re such an effective exercise routine? Are all these celebrity children wearing jet packs?
6. Jessica Simpson
What she said: “With both kids, I’m running up and down my stairs a million times. Kids can keep your metabolism going. Eric and I go on walks together. I try and walk about 4 miles a day consistently. It makes me feel better.”
Okay, so you walk four miles a day and you’re also a paid spokesperson for Weight Watchers. But oh oh oh you also chase your kids up the stairs. Why are these children moving so much, and why do you always have to chase them? Are you handcuffed together?
7. Penelope Cruz
What she said: “Just running after them, running after the kids, I think.”
This one’s the worst because she doesn’t even add that there’s an exercise or diet routine. Just running after them. THANKS PENELOPE I’LL GO FIND A COUPLE OF KIDS AND THROW OUT MY TREADMILL.
8. Kim Zolciak
What she said: (in response to her daughter’s tweet about how much weight she lost after having twins) “[It's] from chasing after you.”
Kim has six children, so much like Angelina that would mean more chasing, but Kim was apparently a size 4 just nine days after giving birth. And she supposedly gained 50 pounds during the pregnancy. That’s a lot of kid-chasing.
9. Karolina Kurkova
What she said: “Chasing after Tobin definitely keeps me on my feet! Kids have so much energy…they help to keep you active when you least expect it.”
I’m sure Karolina Kurkova never expects to be active since she’s not a famous supermodel or anything. Oh wait…