I have some bad news for all you people walking around out there thinking you’re straight — if you’ve ever heard an Adele song, it turns out you’re probably gay. Feel free to take a moment to shake your fist at the sky; I know how traumatic this must be.
I mean, it feels like we just barely survived getting turned into a raging homosexual by the animated movie Frozen, and now along comes Adele to ruin everything. We were all just eating ice cream and watching ourselves cry in the mirror while ‘Someone Like You’ played, thinking that we were getting over a break-up in a totally normal way, when all along we were just getting gayer and GAYER.
That’s right guys, according to this retired doctor from Texas named John Smid, you have to throw away the things in your life that encourage you to be gay, which include snug-fitting underwear and Adele CDs. Just a few of the many things men ‘should avoid if they want to be straight’.
“Adele is very popular within the gay community. You have to listen to Christian music.”
Luckily, we probably caught this condition pretty early, so there’s still time to reverse the effects. The only symptoms you’ve likely experienced thus far are a subtle tightening of your jeans and a vague curiosity of where Liza Minelli is right now and what she is doing. But obviously if you’ve gotten as far as dancing with your hands over your head and wearing an infinity scarf, you should probably seek medical attention, because things have already gone too far and I CAN’T HELP YOU.
Godspeed in curing your gayness, though. If it makes you feel better, all 26.4 million people who purchased her last album, 21, are right there with you. Man, I gotta get myself to brunch.
*Gasps, dramatically claps hand over mouth.*’
HELP IT’S HAPPENING.