Miranda Kerr Supposedly Got A ‘Break Up Boob Job’, Which Is Apparently A Thing Now

Miranda Kerr attending Vanity Fair Oscars party March 2014

March 2014, post-break-up boobs.

(Photo: Brian To / WENN.com)

In case you were nervous that there’s nothing extra for you to worry about today, ‘break up boob jobs’ are apparently a thing now, and you have to get one immediately if you have any hope of following in Miranda Kerr‘s footsteps.

Miranda separated from her husband Orlando Bloom late last year, which you actually might not have been aware of, because the two of them are so amazing chill with each other even post-split. How is that possible, to be so mature with someone you just broke up with? Well, according to my own expert analysis of speculation by doctors who don’t actually treat Miranda, I’m thinking it’s because she funneled all her negative energy into down into her new breasteses, and that’s where she’s hiding it. Stash those grumps in your mammaries!

According to Dr. Anthony Youn, who spoke to Radar Online:

“Miranda appears to have undergone a very tasteful breast augmentation. She appears to have gone from an A (cup) to a small C (cup) and her breasts help to create a very nice, curvy figure. Kudos to her plastic surgeon for a job well done!”

You guys, I (cup) didn’t even know we were doing this now…getting breast augmentations after we break up with people. The Victoria’s Secret Angels are supposed to call me every time they start a new trend, but apparently that hasn’t been happening. At least not according to Dr. Fred Pescatore, who’s also not Miranda’s doctor:

Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom attending Vanity Fair Oscar Party February 2013

February 2013. Pre-break-up boobs.

(Photo: WENN.com)

“In these pictures, the dresses are very similar in design and there is no boob except in the last picture which again is an open design without a bra. There is no way to go from nothing to something without an operation or weight gain which she hasn’t done.”

Ugh. I don’t want to distract from Miranda, because obvi this is like…her day and everything, but I need to talk about me for a second. Honestly at this point, with everything from revenge cleavage to break up boob jobs popping up, I just shouldn’t even get into a relationship, because I won’t be able to afford to get out of it.

…unless we can lower the bar back down to break-up Ben & Jerry’s and revenge Netflix, in which case I am 100% on board.

Share This Post:
    • Samantha Escobar

      Revenge Cleavage sounds like the name of a band I would’ve loved in college. Aw, who am I kidding, I would totally still listen to them.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Maybe if we all go through enough cycles of Break-Up Ben & Jerry’s, we’ll gain that necessary boob weight Dr. Pescatore is talking about.

    • Kathy

      Maybe this is part of her big plan to get Orlando back?