• Tue, Mar 18 - 4:42 pm ET

We Cast Sofia Coppola’s Just-Announced Version Of The Little Mermaid

Ariel from the Little Mermaid GIF(via)

It was just announced that Sofia Coppola is in talks to direct the upcoming live action version of The Little Mermaidso we figured we’d use this brief window before the cast gets announced to make some recommendations of our own.

We’ve previously done this with the upcoming version of Wicked that’s rumored to have Harry Styles as Fiyero, twelve other live musicals that NBC should do now that so many people hate-watched Carrie Underwood in The Sound Of Music Live!, and of course, the best and worst case scenarios for the remake of Little WomenIt’s getting to be kind of a pet project of ours, and we figure the sooner we throw out our picks, the better chance that Sofia has of getting in touch with them and scoping out their interest.

Oh and by the way, this film supposedly follows the original Hans Christian Andersen version, which is a darker tale, and one that doesn’t end happily. So we won’t be casting roles like Sebastian and Flounder, because the main focus of this film is likely to be Ariel’s family. Also since it’s Sofia, we can assume it’s gonna be pretty artistic, which we’re hoping leaves room for multi-ethnic casting. Because yeah, Ariel’s five sisters are all supposed to be related…but they’re also mermaids, so I think we can take a few steps away from realism, yeah? Yeah.

ARIEL – Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried porn star naked pictures boobs Linda Lovelace 2013(Photo: WENN.com)

She’s already proven that she can sing in Mamma Mia!, and even though she’s twenty-eight and not fifteen like Ariel is supposed to be, Amanda can play younger, and I have a feeling they’ll age up this cast anyway to avoid using a bunch of teenagers.

FIVE SISTERS

Ariel’s then supposed to have five sisters, each one year apart. So even though everyone’s already ten years older than they’re supposed to be, they largely fit the pattern of a year in between. And they all remind me of ethereal water creatures, so they have that going for them as well.

Lea Seydouz

French actress Lea Seydoux attending BAFTAs February 2014(Photo: Lia Toby / WENN.com)

Lea is a twenty-eight year old French actress from the incredible film Blue Is The Warmest Color, and I think she’d play beautifully off of Amanda as her next-oldest sister.

Freida Pinto 

Freida Pinto attending Cannes Film Festival May 2013(Photo: Lia Toby / WENN.com)

We’re just going down a list of graceful ladies here, creating a lovely cabal of mermaid sisters. And Freida is twenty-nine, so she’s next in line.

Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita Nyong'o attending the Critics Choice Awards wearing a white dress January 2014(Photo: Brian To / WENN.com)

If you don’t want to see this thirty-one year old as a mermaid, then I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman attending German premiere of Thor October 2013(Photo: Clemens Niehaus / Future Image  /WENN.com)

I know that this group of women couldn’t possibly all be sisters simply based on race, but isn’t there something similar to their face shape and vibe? I feel like it all works out, and at thirty-two, Natalie fits in perfectly as the fourth sister.

Zoe Saldana

Zoe Saldana attending amFAR Inspiration Gala December 2013(Photo: Brian To / WENN.com)

And finally, we have Zoe. Sure, she’s technically thirty-five, but she could pass for like ten years younger, so I’m into it. I’d  marry into this family in a heartbeat, flippers or no.

TRITON – Daniel Craig

Daniel Craig attending premiere of Skyfall October 2012(Photo: Daniel Deme / WENN.com)

I actually don’t think Ariel’s father’s name is technically ‘Triton’ in the original story, but I’m obsessed with Daniel Craig in this role. I feel like he’s the perfect combination of emotionally distant and shirtless.

SEA WITCH – Tilda Swinton

Tilda Swinton attending Berlin International Film Festival February 2014

(Photo: Clemens Niehaus / Future Image / WENN.com)

Is there anyone more adaptable or terrifying than Tilda? I feel like she could do this role in like three separate ways and none of them would fail to give me goosebumps.

PRINCE ERIC – Gilles Marini

Gilles Marini attending OK Magazine event in LA April 2013(Photo: WENN.com)

He’s only the most perfect prince in all the Disney kingdoms, so I felt he should be played by an utterly attractive human being…with just the teeeensiest touch of douchebaggery as well, because c’mon.

And that’s what I have! Any thoughts, you guys?

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  • elle

    Is it the Hans Christian Anderson one or the Disney one? I’m super into the idea of a dark, gothic based on Anderson’s Little Mermaid in Sofias aesthetic. But I think a Disney Little Mermaid sounds too Once Upon A Timey for me, and I’m not meaning that as a compliment since I just find that show so intensely boring….and Lol at “perfect combination of emotionally distant and shirtless”

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It’s the original Hans Christian Andersen version, which I’m super into.

    • elle

      That sounds amazing then. Really want this to happen.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Samesies.

  • Jenni

    What about Liam Neeson playing Liam Neeson in Taken playing Triton? Can’t you see the threatening phone calls with Eric now?

  • gayle

    Tilda! I go back and forth on Sofia Coppola as a director but I am curious to see this one because it surprises me how many people don’t know the original ending

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Yeah, it’s really gonna shock some people.

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  • PreciousLostThings

    I would actually go to the theater to see Lupita play a mermaid.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Absolutely.

  • Tova

    I’m onboard with anything that promises Daniel Craig topless.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      First in line.

  • Vanessa Kyle LaPlante

    NO! This is all wrong. ESPECIALLY Amanda as Ariel. Just no.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      But I can prove it! And you didn’t offer any suggestions!

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