10 Ways The Kardashians Won’t Celebrate Rob Kardashian’s Birthday Today

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Poor Rob Kardashian. He really is the “Who’s that? Wait, there’s another one?” of the Kardashian family. His first name doesn’t start with a K and he doesn’t have a sex tape or an adorable baby or a post-baby body to show off after having said baby. Even his own family seems to forget about him. It just so happens to be Rob’s 27th birthday today, and I think it’s pretty easy to predict what the Kardashians will and will not do to celebrate it. Mostly what they won’t do, because this is Rob we’re talking about. ROB KARDASHIAN. I just told you. Did you really already forget? #PoorRob.

1. They won’t give him a puppy.

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For Kendall Jenner’s 18th birthday, Rob gave her a Great Dane puppy that she comically carried around town with her. I think it’s safe to say she won’t return the favor. Unless she just gets tired of taking care of it and regifts it. “No, this is totally a different dog. Where’s mine, you ask? Uhhh, it ran away. It’s dead. It’s invisible. Stop asking stupid questions.”

2. They won’t hand out expensive gift bags.

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For Kylie Jenner’s sweet 16 party, they gave out $150,000 dollars in gift bags. Rob’s gift bags, if they existed, wouldn’t be worth nearly that much. They’d probably each contain a cough drop from the bottom of Khloe’s purse, one of North’s used pacifiers, and a little leftover botox.

3. They won’t get him a modeling contract.

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For a time there, Rob pursued modeling. But then he let himself go a little bit, and until he gets his post-sandwich body back like Kris Jenner wants him to, there will be no nipple-baring photo shoots for him. That’s Kendall’s job now.

4. They won’t give him more screen time on Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

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It’s just not gonna happen, Rob, so stop asking. Even if it is your 12th birthday. 16th? 58th? How old are you again?

5. They won’t pay for his law school tuition.

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Mostly because he’s not going to law school even though he said he was. And even if he did end up going to law school, hahahaha like they’d pay for it. They have hideous hand-painted purses to buy.

6. They won’t bake him a cake.

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You think Kris Jenner would A.) remember Rob’s birthday, B.) bake a cake, and C.) let him eat sugar when he’s on a strict “don’t be fat” diet? I don’t think so.

7. They won’t break it to him that losing weight doesn’t increase your penis size.

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In case you forgot, there was a time when Rob Kardashian was under the impression that losing weight led to increased penis size, which was one of his motivators for getting slimmer. As we’ve established, Kris Jenner needs him in fighting form so she can take over the world, so she’s not going to break it to him that the penis thing isn’t actually a thing at all. #PoorRob.

8. They won’t plan an elaborate marriage proposal.

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For her birthday last year, Kim Kardashian received an extravagant marriage proposal from Kanye West that her mother Kris Jenner had a (huge evil monster) hand in planning. Not so for Rob Kardashian. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

9. They won’t buy any of his socks.

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Ah, Rob Kardashian and his sock line. The only love story that matters. Not only am I expecting his family to purchase approximately zero of the socks he’s made, but I would expect them to buy socks from a competitor and then show them off at his birthday party.

10. They won’t remember it’s his birthday.

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Okay, so let’s face it. This whole post is kind of pointless, because it’s not like the Kardashians will remember what today is anyway. They’re too busy planning their green St. Paddy’s Day outfits to even think about anything else. I don’t care if they’ve already tweeted their birthday wishes. That was so clearly done by the robot butler I assume they have.

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Jenni

      I wonder if Rob lives in the attic or in the basement. Or in the shed out back. These are things that keep me awake at night.

    • Kaitlin Reilly

      To be fair, KRob would look pretty silly on a birth certificate.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        I really wish that was his name now. “The K is silent.”

    • Elizabeth Aspen

      Yesterday was my birthday and even though my mom and I have never gotten along, she still managed to give me 50 bucks, a bedspread she crocheted herself, take me out to an expensive dinner, and bake me a cheesecake.

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Rob Kardashian just called to ask that you please stop rubbing it in.

    • The Great Seymour(Butz)

      on one of my birthdays my mom took me to vet and i came back without balls

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