Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you guys! How are we celebrating this year? Drinking your first forty by 10:00am? Wake and bake? A pub crawl with green-dyed beer? Vomiting down the side of a cop car? Shouting at a parade?
Essentially what I’m saying is that the world is your oyster — but whatever you’re doing, I’m assuming it’s gonna involve alcohol. Because that’s like, the theme of St. Paddy’s Day! Unless you’re planning to chase the snakes out of Ireland or spend the whole day carrying a shamrock around and explaining the Holy Trinity, your options are pretty limited to getting day-drunk and blacking out with your face in a plate of corned beef.
But we’re not judging, okay? Just because my plans involve elbowing revelers out of my way to get on the subway and ride the chunder train home doesn’t mean that you should change a single thing about your holiday plans. (Except the part where you take a trip to the hospital for a tasteful stomach pump. Try to avoid that moment.)
But bottom line, you do you, okay? Because at the end of the day, these twelve celebrities are drunker than you’ll ever be. And probably most of them didn’t even ingest any alcohol, they’re just high on life. Really just sucking down that life and providing a real-life lesson to everyone that we must always drink responsibly.
Did you hear that? WE MUST ALWAYS DRINK RESPONSIBLY.
1. John Travolta
Girl, the next time you go to introduce someone at the Oscars, try not to wear your marble mouth, okay? I understand being up onstage is an exciting time in a young man’s life, but there is legitimately no such person as Adele Dazeem, and you kind of pissed of Idina Menzel. Splash some water on your face, bro.
2. Julianne Hough
“This is okay. It is okay if I wear this. Here I go out into the world wearing blackface.”
If those don’t sound like the words of a drunk person, I don’t know what does. Get as schwastey as you want tonight, just promise me that I won’t have to apologize to any Orange Is The New Black cast members tomorrow. Can you do that for me please?
3. Justin Bieber
You know how some people get wasted and go get an ill-advised tattoo that they regret for the rest of their lives? Based on his history and the state of his skin, I have to assume that Bieber does that every night, and just hasn’t quite gotten to the full-on regretting phase. It’ll come.
4. Tyra Banks
Have you seen this woman’s Twitter? She’s like that girl at the party who’s so good at holding your liquor that one moment you’re like, ‘OMG, she’s hilarious’ and the second you’re like, ‘Wait no, don’t put on a fat suit and pretend to be homeless for a week! That’s crazy!’
5. Alec Baldwin
I feel like Alec Baldwin is drunk-dialing the world right now with this rambling article in New York Magazine informing us that he’s leaving public life. He’s like the guy you dated in high school who get trashed and calls you eighteen times in a row while you’re across the country in college to let you know he’s going to bed. GO TO SLEEP ALEC YOU CAN PUNCH A PAPARAZZO TOMORROW.
You are absolutely the MVP of turning your life around, and I hope you’re really psyched about your growing family, because that’s awesome, but you drank enough on Jersey Shore to earn yourself a spot on this list for a thousand lifetimes. Congratulations.
7. Kanye West
“I AM A GOD.”
Go home Kanye, you’re drunk.
8. Giulianna Rancic
Oh my god, watch her one time on the red carpet of an award show and tell me I’m wrong. I don’t think she’s legit drunk, just something closer to being high on sugar and really excited to get to talk to Ryan Seacrest through an earpiece all night and sing into Hugh Jackman‘s face while congratulating him on Les Miserables.
9. Guy Fieri
There is no way that his menu is the work of a sober person. Absolutely no way. These are dishes designed by someone who stumbles home and falls asleep face down on the couch with the stove on.
10. Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth, you beautiful idiot, there is no way you wrote that cookbook while sober. Nothing is really food and everything costs like $120. Just admit you went to the grocery store blackout and you got all the same things, and you’ve modeled your entire diet on that error ever since. Your company is named ‘GOOP’ for fuck’s sake. ADMIT IT.
11. Shia LaBeouf
How come when I drunkenly sit in another room at a party, crying with a paper bag over my head and receiving visitors one by one to hold my hand and see what I want, it’s called ‘rude’ and ‘a cry for help’. But when Shia does it it’s called ‘art’. (But also still a pretty big cry for help.)
12. Paula Deen
Anyone who answers the question, ‘have you ever used a racial slur‘ with a vehement ‘of COURSE!’ has probably had a few too many. Especially if that person also has a habit of eating sticks of butter straight off the dairy-vine.
I hope that this has been informative, but also terrifying. Scare you guys straight.