10 Celebrities You’ll Be Disappointed To Discover Are Scientologists

Tom Cruise electrifying Oprah GIF(via)

You know that thing where you meet someone and things just click? You get along really well, you have a ton of overlapping interests, and you just generally enjoy spending time with them? And then one day you’re casually having a conversation, and something comes out of their mouth that ruins everything. Just a simple sentence, and after it’s out there, nothing can ever be the same again.

In my personal relationships, it’s something like, “Oh gay people? No thanks!” or “The theory of evolution? Don’t believe in it, but I love the television show Two And A Half Men!” But for celebrities, all it tends to take is a casual, “You know she’s a Scientologist, right?” to make my stomach plummet unpleasantly.

Because I liked you so much before! Back before I knew you thought we were all thetans who forgot how to be immortal and now need to pay lots of money to buy all the secrets of how to get back to that point. I just don’t think I can ever truly appreciate your work in the same way now that I’m aware that you believe the laying on of Tom Cruise‘s hands can cure mental illness.

YEAH. You see the position you’re putting me in here, celebrities? It’s a tough one. And since I don’t want any of you beautiful sparkling readers to be put in the same position, I’m gonna fill you in on all the celebrities you  might not have realized were Scientologists. Not like Tom and John Travolta and whatever…the secret ones. It’ll be disappointing, sure, and maybe even a little jarring, but it’s better that it happens this way. Quick like a Band-Aid, y’know? Plus it’s Scientology founder maker-upper L. Ron Hubbard‘s birthday today, so there’s no better time.

LET’S DO THIS.

1. Danny Masterson

Danny Masterson Stephen Hyde from That 70s Show GIF(via)

I was like…pretty sure I had a crush on Danny during That 70s Showbut our idyllic fantasy life was shattered when I found out he was a Scientologist. Forcing me to develop a short-lived but extremely embarrassing crush on Wilmer Valderrama. I know, I know. But at least it proves that even as a child, I knew Ashton Kutcher was bad news.

2. Laura Prepon

Laura Prepon saying shut the fuck up as Alex Vause GIF(via)

I won’t say Orange Is The New Black is ruined for me because that’s impossible, but my god, Laura Prepon, my GOD. How am I supposed to get sucked into the storyline of Alex Vause when you’re going around your real life trying to attain Level ‘Clear’?

3. Michael Peña

Michael Pena saying enjoy your white people shit GIF(via)

But…but Michael! You’re the best part of a bunch of semi-mediocre movies like Gangster Squad, The Lincoln Lawyer, and Shooter. Why are you doing this to me?

4. Juliette Lewis

Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers GIF(via)

JULIETTE NO. You’re a lady badass who doesn’t care what anybody thinks, and we already don’t have enough of you guys around.

5. Giovanni Ribisi 

Giovanna Ribisi dancing in Ted GIFTo be fair, Giovanni was raised Scientologist, so he never really got the chance to figure out his own ideas on the topic, but I still shed a single tear for him on occasion.

6. Elisabeth Moss

Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson on Mad Men smoking and looking at her cat GIF(via)

UGH GIRL NO WHY. Peggy Olson could have anything she wants! So why would she want to live in a world where she couldn’t be honest with her closest friends and family members just because they weren’t in the same religion as her? (Answer: she wouldn’t.) Also yes, I’m fully aware that Mad Men isn’t real and that I am insane.

7. Beck

Okay but your music is good. And now I have conflicting feelings in my insides because I thought only smart people could make good music BUT ALSO YOU THINK ALIENS EXIST.

8. Jenna Elfman

Jenna Elfman on Dharma and Greg GIF(via)

Sigh. I can never quite enjoy your perky blonde ways because I know a brain full of mysterious sci-fi secrets lurks behind your sparkling blue eyes.

9. Erika Christensen

Erika Christensen in Swim Fan GIF(via)

Remember Swim FanYeah, probably not. Pretty sure I’m the only one who ever saw that movie. But Erika’s on Parenthood more recently, a show which I hope shan’t be too dampered for you now that you know where her true loyalties lie.

10. Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley feigning a blow job GIF(via)

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Kirstie. And I’m not talking about Fat ActressYou could gain another two hundred pounds and I’d still rather that than have you be a Scientologist.

Share This Post:
    • Lindsey Conklin

      Ugh Laura Prepon and Giovanni…why?!

    • Olivia Wilson

      Swim Fan was the best (sort of terrible) movie everrrr!

      • Alyssa

        Swimfan is a classic! I spent many a pre-teen sleepover watching it. I thought I was so edgy because it was “adult”… kind of.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Adult, maybe. Creepy, yes.

    • LadyClodia

      The person I was most disappointed in finding out was a Scientologist was Jason Lee. :(

    • echo7341

      Do not ruin my That 70′s show threesome fantasy (I’m a part of it of course)!

    • J_Doe5686

      Giovanni Ribisi being a Scientologist is pretty painful. I had a crush on him and is ruined! I knew about the others but . . . why him?

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Why, Giovanni? WHY?

    • Char

      I actually knew most of these already and every time I watch one of them on screen it kind of makes me sad. I think the ones I wasn’t aware of were Elizabeth Moss, Michael Pena, and Kirstie Alley.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Michael Pena was a surprise to me just writing the post today! Really bummed me out.

      • Char

        Yeah, that one was definitely unexpected. The Mastersons, I think I read somewhere, were also raised in Scientology like Ribisi. Don’t quote me on that, though. haha

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        I personally can’t watch a Tom Cruise movie anymore, which is a shame because he’s a great actor. But every time I see him now, I can’t separate him from whatever character he’s playing. All I see is him hopping on Oprah’s couch and telling Matt Lauer he’s glib.

    • Samantha Escobar

      #4 :(

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I know.

    • elle

      The only one on this list I wasn’t aware of was Michael Peña…..that one really surprised me. I remember when Elizabeth Moss and Fred Armisen got divorced many people blamed it on her being a scientologist. But judging from things Elizabeth and Fred have said recently I think that’s simply untrue.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Yeah, Michael was a big bummer to me as well. And I highly doubt that Scientology figured into that marriage. Yikes.

    • Char

      I met Erica Christensen at an event and she was a really sweet. Not that people who are Scientologists can’t be good people but I think it makes me question their sanity a teeny, tiny bit.

      But to each their own, I guess.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Yeah, I guess. Whomp whomp.

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        I’m not defending the Thetan people here, but seriously, what makes you think they’re insane but Christians aren’t? Most “Christians” are not people who follow the word of Jesus Christ, they’re kooks who believe that someone rose from the dead and walked on water. They’re just as crazy. Same for Jews and Muslims and every other religion.

      • Char

        Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty skeptical of all forms of organized religion. If this article was about Kirk Cameron and other Christian celebrities, I’d be questioning their sanity as well…and I do.

    • Lee

      I knew all of these, so sad. And I’m not proud of that, but I also have stopped listening to Beck because of his ‘religion’ (Sorry, but I don’t think scientology is a _real_ religion. I know, I sound terrible, I’m usually not this judgemental, but scientology brings out the worst from me…)

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        All organized religions are cults, so there is no such thing as a “real” religion. Just about every religion – even Satanism, to a point – has at least one or two sensible tenets that anyone can apply to their life. Scientology has a couple as well, and if they weren’t such obvious money whores and control freaks, people might take them a tad seriously.

    • Shae

      Beck was raised a scientologist as well, his parents were in the entertainment business so they jumped on that crazy train early. So, I give him a pass too for that fact.

      • Elizabeth Aspen

        And interestingly, he’s Giovanni Ribisi’s brother-in-law.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Ahhhhh interesting.

    • LaLa

      I’m pretty sure both Juliette Lewis and Beck were raised in the religion. That kind of (??) gives then a pass. I just really like them! They get a pass. I’ve decided.

      • elle

        I’m pretty sure Elizabeth Moss was too

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Passes all round!

    • Krystal

      Just an interesting piece of Scientology info. Beck is married to Giovanni’s twin sister Marissa. She used to be an actress, she played the red head in Dazed & Confused.

    • http://www.tinyroomproductionsonline.com onlyelise

      I can’t give passes… I just can’t. It’s well-documented that L Ron Hubbard spoke several times to other noted authors (Heinlein, CS Lewis, etc.), and in public forums, that the best way to make money was to invent a religion, and that he was going to invent on based on science-fiction. So he did.

    • thetagal

      Hi, Alexis. What’s your problem with Scientology? Do you really know anything about Scientology? Regardless of the Policies those “in” the Church apply, that has nothing to do with the body of knowledge about life, life sources and the mind that IS Scientology. Have you ever looked at the Axioms and Logics and Q’s of Scientology? Did you ever wonder what was right about Scientology that draws people toward it? Or do you just love kicking a dog when it is down? Kick the Church all you want, I don’t care, just don’t throw out the knowledge with the bathwater.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I have wondered all of those things, made my own opinions, and documented them accordingly.

        Are you a Scientologist?

    • PaintingChef

      Two others that broke my heart? Jason Dohring and Ryan Hansen from Veronica Mars. So sad…

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Ryan Hansen??? Are you serious?

      • PaintingChef

        And Chris Lowell too…

    • Pingback: Hilary Duff May Be Divorcing Her Husband, But She's Been Flirting With Scientology - Crushable

    • Pingback: Hilary Duff Explains Tattoo, Says It's Not About Scientology