You know that thing where you meet someone and things just click? You get along really well, you have a ton of overlapping interests, and you just generally enjoy spending time with them? And then one day you’re casually having a conversation, and something comes out of their mouth that ruins everything. Just a simple sentence, and after it’s out there, nothing can ever be the same again.
In my personal relationships, it’s something like, “Oh gay people? No thanks!” or “The theory of evolution? Don’t believe in it, but I love the television show Two And A Half Men!” But for celebrities, all it tends to take is a casual, “You know she’s a Scientologist, right?” to make my stomach plummet unpleasantly.
Because I liked you so much before! Back before I knew you thought we were all thetans who forgot how to be immortal and now need to pay lots of money to buy all the secrets of how to get back to that point. I just don’t think I can ever truly appreciate your work in the same way now that I’m aware that you believe the laying on of Tom Cruise‘s hands can cure mental illness.
YEAH. You see the position you’re putting me in here, celebrities? It’s a tough one. And since I don’t want any of you beautiful sparkling readers to be put in the same position, I’m gonna fill you in on all the celebrities you might not have realized were Scientologists. Not like Tom and John Travolta and whatever…the secret ones. It’ll be disappointing, sure, and maybe even a little jarring, but it’s better that it happens this way. Quick like a Band-Aid, y’know? Plus it’s Scientology
founder maker-upper L. Ron Hubbard‘s birthday today, so there’s no better time.
LET’S DO THIS.
1. Danny Masterson
I was like…pretty sure I had a crush on Danny during That 70s Show, but our idyllic fantasy life was shattered when I found out he was a Scientologist. Forcing me to develop a short-lived but extremely embarrassing crush on Wilmer Valderrama. I know, I know. But at least it proves that even as a child, I knew Ashton Kutcher was bad news.
2. Laura Prepon
I won’t say Orange Is The New Black is ruined for me because that’s impossible, but my god, Laura Prepon, my GOD. How am I supposed to get sucked into the storyline of Alex Vause when you’re going around your real life trying to attain Level ‘Clear’?
3. Michael Peña
But…but Michael! You’re the best part of a bunch of semi-mediocre movies like Gangster Squad, The Lincoln Lawyer, and Shooter. Why are you doing this to me?
4. Juliette Lewis
JULIETTE NO. You’re a lady badass who doesn’t care what anybody thinks, and we already don’t have enough of you guys around.
5. Giovanni Ribisi
To be fair, Giovanni was raised Scientologist, so he never really got the chance to figure out his own ideas on the topic, but I still shed a single tear for him on occasion.
6. Elisabeth Moss
UGH GIRL NO WHY. Peggy Olson could have anything she wants! So why would she want to live in a world where she couldn’t be honest with her closest friends and family members just because they weren’t in the same religion as her? (Answer: she wouldn’t.) Also yes, I’m fully aware that Mad Men isn’t real and that I am insane.
8. Jenna Elfman
Sigh. I can never quite enjoy your perky blonde ways because I know a brain full of mysterious sci-fi secrets lurks behind your sparkling blue eyes.
9. Erika Christensen
Remember Swim Fan? Yeah, probably not. Pretty sure I’m the only one who ever saw that movie. But Erika’s on Parenthood more recently, a show which I hope shan’t be too dampered for you now that you know where her true loyalties lie.
10. Kirstie Alley
Oh how the mighty have fallen, Kirstie. And I’m not talking about Fat Actress. You could gain another two hundred pounds and I’d still rather that than have you be a Scientologist.