Bad News For Parents Who Like Their Straight Kids:Frozen Already Turned Them Gay

Anna Frozen Movie Sitting down

Remember that time you had two perfectly straight children who did perfectly straight things in your perfectly straight home? Well forget that time, because if you’ve taken your kids to see Frozen, they’re gay now. The more times they’ve seen it, the more gay they are. Suddenly all those fun family “Let it Go” singing sessions don’t seem so fun anymore. Not when you realize that the song was slowly indoctrinating your sons into become sissies and your daughters into becoming tomboys. Don’t look now but your son just sashayed and your daughter just built a snowwomyn…who doesn’t want kids but is instead thinking of climbing the corporate ladder. And what’s that? Did you hear that? It’s your baby’s first word, and it’s equality.

While this scene might seem exaggerated, it’s currently a reality in millions of homes across Amurica. At least according to Pastor Kevin Swanson. He recently recorded a podcast in which he accused the devil of buying Disney in order to indoctrinate your children into being lil’ gay sinners. Why wouldn’t the devil just indoctrinate your children by injecting gay juice into them when they’re sleeping? Well, like you, the devil’s caught up in the corporate rat race too. And Disney offered him a great benefits package that includes braces for his kids. So  the devil bought Disney back in the ’90s and started churning out movies that slowly, but surely, turned straight kids gay. And the scariest part is that parents don’t even realize that they’re condemning their children to an eternity in hell by spending a Saturday afternoon at the movies.

“I wonder if people are thinking, ‘You know, I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way.’ I wonder if the average parent going to see ‘Frozen’ is thinking that way.”

While I must’ve been in the bathroom during the notorious bestiality scene, it does explain why I’m suddenly looking at reindeer differently. After all, before seeing Frozen, I passed them in the street without giving them a second glance. But now I can’t help but stare at their antlers and their fur and oh goodness, now I’m into bestiality. Dratches! And to think that I thought the worst part of the day was ponying up the cash to see this movie gay propaganda in 3D!

(GIF: Tumblr)

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    • Jill O’Rourke

      I really thought you were joking about that devil buying Disney thing… and then I listened. Oh dear.

      • Jenni

        oh yeah, I should’ve made that clear that’s his actual theory.

    • Kaitlin Reilly

      Ummmmmm…? I haven’t seen ‘Frozen’ yet but can I accurately assume that in no way does it promote bestiality?
      This guy is a psycho.

    • ola

      I think he watched some different movie. That’s the only explanation for me.

      • ola

        or.. we ALL went to the bathroom during bestiality scenes. He was the only one who saw how evil the movie can be!

      • Jenni

        We’re so lucky to have him looking out for all the evil that lurks in animated movies.

    • Pink

      I looked up why they believe this, and it’s pretty outrageous. She has something to hide, and is afraid of what people will think about her if they know, so according to this theory she must be homosexual. I guess that means that every super hero and movies about them must be promoting the same thing, because they all hide something about themselves (at least for part of the movie)…guess iron man, Spider-Man, batman, superman, etc are also homosexuals

      • Jenni

        Oh no, they’re all gay tooo?? But everyone saw those movies. Shit, it’s too late for all of us, isn’t it?!?

    • FemelleChevalier

      He’s irked that Frozen has bestiality? Oh man, he must’ve been tear-off-my-shirt-and-roar-in-the-night mad at Beauty and the Beast.

      And 1980′s? Disney started in 1920′s and are used in pushing war propagandas just like any forms of media at that time. Also, the cartoons at that time are for adults and not for children. In actuality, Disney today has tamed some of their shows (to the point of dumbing it down, sadly).

      Most of their earlier animated movies are mellowed-down versions from folklores, Grimm, Hans Anderson, Victor Hugo, and other mythologies to make them children-appropriate. Those stories are bloody, gory, full of murders, rapey, and depressing to begin with, so they should’ve condemned the cultural influences instead of just Disney. Thanks to Disney, there are other versions offered that can be appreciated by both adults and children who can’t handle the gore.

      And they should at least researched instead of spewing opinions to push their bigotry. Opinions are okay, as long as they can back it up with facts and comprehensible logic (which they didn’t and couldn’t because their reasonings are moronic).

      P.S. A child who is “turned” is already not straight to begin with.

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    • Josh Weinstein

      These people DO REALIZE they are COMPLETELY INSANE, right?
      This is just beyond silly. If we are to believe their reasoning, then every movie that has self-acceptance, kindness or diversity as a theme anywhere in the movie is “indoctrinating children” to be gay.
      God forbid they see “Shrek, The Musical!” – their heads might explode!

    • loyalty4233

      I think this pastor needs to look into his teachings again becuase god loves everyone and frozen is showing absolutely. No signs of homosexuality. Or bestiality. Re watch the movie first off and second off name parts of the movie if your opening your mouth about a childs movie why dont you open your mouths about how priest raping children teaching them how its okay to let them sodomize them since you want to get technical about corupting our youth!!!!!

    • http://dumbminecrafters.blogspot.com Lee Kern

      people usually believe the media, whether it is about scapegoating an innocent video game or finding fault with people. but no one will believe this kind of article.

    • doll

      Pastor Swanson is ignorant on homosexuality. You can’t make someone gay! Also he is a conspiracy nut!

    • Lee

      I’m a lesbian, and I haven’t seen the film, but listening to the sound track tells me that this is yet another sickly film that excludes kids that will grow up gay. Every film I ever saw until I was beyond teenage told me that I had to find a man to live happily ever after. This won’t turn straight kids gay but it’ll frustrate the heck out of gay kids.